Navy Net - Royal Navy Community

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

The Secret Language of the Child

sgtpepperband

War Hero
Book Reviewer
THE SECRET LANGUAGE OF THE CHILD

They’re bloody cash-guzzling, shit-squirting, snot-bubbling bother-moneys with worms in their pockets and scabs all over their stupid, fat knees. But, hey! They’re the future. So teach them well and let them lead the way. Or summink.

WHAT IT SAYS: “I love you, Daddy.â€

WHAT IT MEANS: That’s the least you can hope for, because all of your hopes and dreams were snatched from you the moment I was created. You could have been a lover or a fighter or a poet. But you’re not - you’re working 58 hours a week in a DIY superstore just to pay for my colouring books. There is no ‘you’ any more. Everything is ‘me’, and what’s more, I’m going to be sick on your jumper in half an hour.

WHAT IT SAYS: “When I grow up I want to be a princess, Daddy.â€

WHAT IT MEANS: failing that, a lap dancer. It’ a quick way to make big cash and a great way to meet footballers or similar moneyed-up idiots. Then I can settle into a life of grabbing luxury, where I’ll gladly spend 700 quid on a vile marble statue of a sleeping kitten for the garden.

WHAT IT SAYS: “Look at me Daddy, I can skip!â€

WHAT IT MEANS: You’d better keep looking too, because if I grow up feeling neglected and unloved I’ll embark on a string of attention-seeking stunts culminating in self-harming and suicide attempts. You’ll find your unconditional love tested to the very limit, and you’ll most likely end up whiskeying your liver out and battering Mum about with a sockful of coins in the early hours of weekend mornings.

WHAT IT SAYS: “Daddy, can I have an ice cream?â€

WHAT IT MEANS: And after that I’ll have some sweets. And then I’ll have some crisps. And then I’ll have some Ply-Doh. And then I’ll have a Superman costume. And then I’ll have a climbing frame. And then I’ll have a bike. And three football strips a year. And an Xbox. And a skiing holiday with the school. And a horse. And driving lessons in my own car that you can fucking well buy me. And then I’ll go to university, which will cost you about ten grand and I’ll never ring you.

WHAT IT SAYS: “Push me on the swings, Daddy. Push me higher! Higher!â€

WHAT IT MEANS: This is how I get my kicks now, but then again I am two years old. In about ten years time I’ll be flogging your valuables for crystal meth and nicking cars before racing them haphazardly along quiet country roads. They’ll only be able to identify my body through dental records and they’ll have to pull my face out of a tree just to do that. Go on, push me higher, Daddy. Higher! Higher!
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
Sumo IRA still being track by secret squirrels Current Affairs 2
MoD_RSS Appointment of the new Chief of the Secret Intelligence Service (MI6) MoD News 0
Stirlin The Troubles....a secret history. Films, Music, TV & All Things Artsy 1
Stirlin Secret Agent Selection WW2 Films, Music, TV & All Things Artsy 4
soleil 1911 - 1915: "The Royal Navy's Secret Campaign Against 'Unnatural Crimes'" History 11
soleil Secret and Silent: Conference (15/16th June 2018) and Exhibition Submariners 0
SARKING Secret History HMS Glorious History 1
P Apprentice Charleine on 'ejaculation pillow' - I saw worse at Secret Santa! The Gash Barge 11
wafuloyal wafu secret santa HELP! The Fleet Air Arm 17
Stirlin Patagonia.....Earths Secret Paradise. Films, Music, TV & All Things Artsy 6
Ageing_Gracefully Book Comp: CHURCHILL'S SECRET WARRIORS Competitions 9
soleil BBC: "Mail Rail - What Is It Like On The 'Secret' Tube?" History 0
soleil Daily Record: "Gary Barlow Makes Secret Visit To See Our Troops In Afghanistan" Bases / Shore Est 21
soleil Mail: "Secret Command Centre Used By Winston Churchill Goes Up For Sale" History 1
soleil Telegraph: "'Top Secret' D-Day Orders To Naval Captains Emerge" History 3
I Secret/Specialist branches or roles in the navy ? Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 21
F Listen.........do you want to know a secret Current Affairs 13
BreathingOutOnTheWayUp Cuban missile crisis: The other, secret one History 1
soleil Pompey News: "Secret Repairs For HMS Daring After She Suffers Breakdown" The Fleet 5
soleil Telegraph: "Belgrano Was Heading To The Falklands, Secret Papers Reveal" History 43
finknottle Secret Pakistan Current Affairs 12
T SAS war diary: The SAS secret hidden since World War II Current Affairs 2
WreckerL Pusser's secret battlecruiser History 4
finknottle A Royal Marine died after a secret mission off the coast of Portsmouth Current Affairs 0
BARNEYRNSM The secret life of buildings CH4 on at the minute. Submariners 6
Naval_Gazer BBC2 - 'Britain's Secret Seas' showing RN divers in action Films, Music, TV & All Things Artsy 0
soleil BBC: "Inside The Royal Navy's Secret Submarine Factory" Submariners 5
trelawney126 MP's Reclaim, repaid Expenses in Secret Deal Current Affairs 1
soleil Guardian: "Flaws In Nuclear Submarine Reactors Could Be Fatal, Secret Report Warns" Submariners 29
B Secret Britain – The Hidden Bits of our History by Justin Pollard The Book Club 2
NotmeChief Russian 'secret agents' arrested in US Current Affairs 0
Seaweed Secret Pirate Interceptor Boat Trials The Quarterdeck 3
T Top secret submariners to be recognised Submariners 9
Guns Secret Handshakes and rolled up trs legs Diamond Lil's 14
stan_the_man Secret Santa Diamond Lil's 5
D Government attempts to keep torture case secret Current Affairs 0
soleil What is the secret of successful tenpin bowling? Sports and Adventure Training 11
Ballistic Britain's new secret weapon Diamond Lil's 1
soleil Sinking of HMS Poseidon 1931 - secret salvage op? History 0
JamesH Secret film from Labour HQ Diamond Lil's 4
A SECRET SECURITY CLEARANCE? Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 14
T Inquests to be held in secret, at Minister's whim... Current Affairs 11
sgtpepperband More secret files found on train Current Affairs 13
Scran_Bag A Wardroom secret discovered after 66 years ? Diamond Lil's 10
witsend secret life of our moderator Diamond Lil's 5
Vesper Polishing Shoes, any secret formulas? Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 74
Random Smut-swapping sailors leak secret missile specs Diamond Lil's 2
slim Former British diplomat makes public secret evidence on Iraq Current Affairs 28
S How long do you keep a secret? Submariners 20
MoD_RSS Early years support package to help close Covid language gap MoD News 0
Similar threads


















































Top