THE SECRET LANGUAGE OF THE CHILD Theyâ€™re bloody cash-guzzling, shit-squirting, snot-bubbling bother-moneys with worms in their pockets and scabs all over their stupid, fat knees. But, hey! Theyâ€™re the future. So teach them well and let them lead the way. Or summink. WHAT IT SAYS: â€œI love you, Daddy.â€ WHAT IT MEANS: Thatâ€™s the least you can hope for, because all of your hopes and dreams were snatched from you the moment I was created. You could have been a lover or a fighter or a poet. But youâ€™re not - youâ€™re working 58 hours a week in a DIY superstore just to pay for my colouring books. There is no â€˜youâ€™ any more. Everything is â€˜meâ€™, and whatâ€™s more, Iâ€™m going to be sick on your jumper in half an hour. WHAT IT SAYS: â€œWhen I grow up I want to be a princess, Daddy.â€ WHAT IT MEANS: failing that, a lap dancer. Itâ€™ a quick way to make big cash and a great way to meet footballers or similar moneyed-up idiots. Then I can settle into a life of grabbing luxury, where Iâ€™ll gladly spend 700 quid on a vile marble statue of a sleeping kitten for the garden. WHAT IT SAYS: â€œLook at me Daddy, I can skip!â€ WHAT IT MEANS: Youâ€™d better keep looking too, because if I grow up feeling neglected and unloved Iâ€™ll embark on a string of attention-seeking stunts culminating in self-harming and suicide attempts. Youâ€™ll find your unconditional love tested to the very limit, and youâ€™ll most likely end up whiskeying your liver out and battering Mum about with a sockful of coins in the early hours of weekend mornings. WHAT IT SAYS: â€œDaddy, can I have an ice cream?â€ WHAT IT MEANS: And after that Iâ€™ll have some sweets. And then Iâ€™ll have some crisps. And then Iâ€™ll have some Ply-Doh. And then Iâ€™ll have a Superman costume. And then Iâ€™ll have a climbing frame. And then Iâ€™ll have a bike. And three football strips a year. And an Xbox. And a skiing holiday with the school. And a horse. And driving lessons in my own car that you can fucking well buy me. And then Iâ€™ll go to university, which will cost you about ten grand and Iâ€™ll never ring you. WHAT IT SAYS: â€œPush me on the swings, Daddy. Push me higher! Higher!â€ WHAT IT MEANS: This is how I get my kicks now, but then again I am two years old. In about ten years time Iâ€™ll be flogging your valuables for crystal meth and nicking cars before racing them haphazardly along quiet country roads. Theyâ€™ll only be able to identify my body through dental records and theyâ€™ll have to pull my face out of a tree just to do that. Go on, push me higher, Daddy. Higher! Higher!