The S*ite Crab officers come out with.

A sample of phrases heard from Crab officers here at work!!! :D

I think we need to hit the ground running, keep our eye on the ball, and make sure that we are singing off the same hymn sheet. At the end of the day it is not a level playing field and the goal posts may move. If they do, someone else may have to pick the ball up and run with it. We therefore must have a golf bag of options hot-to- trot from the word ‘go’. It is your train set but we cannot afford to leave it on the back burner, we’ve got a lot of irons in the fire right now

We will need to un-stick a few potential poo traps but it all depends on the flash-to-bang time and fudge factor allowed. Things may end up slipping to the left and, if they do, we will need to run a tight ship. I don’t want to re-invent the wheel but we must get right down in the weeds on this one.

If push comes to shove, we may have to up stumps and then we’ll be in a whole new ball game. I suggest we test the water with a few warmers in the bank. If AFHQ can produce the goods then we are cooking with gas. If not, then we are in a world of hurt. I don’t want to die in a ditch over it but we could easily end up in a flat spin if people start getting twitchy. To that end, I want to get round the bazaars and make sure the movers and shakers are on side from day one.

If you can hit me with your shopping list I can take it to the head honchos and start the ball rolling. If it goes pear-shaped, it is no good throwing our toys out of the pram or our teddy in the corner. Instead we may have to fine-tune it n order to do a re-gain. We’ll be hung out to dry if becomes a showstopper.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and I think we have backed a winner here. If it a gets blown out of the water, however, I will be throwing a track. So get your feet in to my in-tray and give me chapter and verse as to how you see things panning out. As long as our ducks are in a row, I think the ball will stay in play and we can come up smelling of roses. Before you bomb burst and throw smoke, it is imperative that we play with a straight bat this time around. We need to nail our colours very firmly to the mast and look at the big picture.

We’ve got to march to the beat of the drum. We are on a sticky wicket. I’ve been on permanent send for long enough and I’ve had my two cents worth. I don’t want to rock the boat or teach anyone to suck eggs. We must keep this very firmly in our sight picture or it could fall between the cracks. I don’t want to be seen to be re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic but if the cap fits, wear it. At the end of the day, it’s like a big game of Space invaders, the aliens are getting closer and if we don’t zap them it’ll be game over for the lot of us.

There are a number of wolves close to the sledge, and alligators close to the canoe, which need to be shot. As you are aware, it’s a bit like punching a cloud round here. The heads of shed often play fast and loose, so it’s stand by to repel boarders, I’m afraid.

So for now we have our backs to the wall and nose to the grind stone, I’ve opened Pandoras box so we must face the music with this wind of change.

Right!, Unless anyone wants to flag-up any bullet points I’ll be in my office. My door is always open and I m as flexible as a palm tree in a hurricane. The ball is in your court; don’t let the wheel come off. If it unravels, your arse is grass and I’m a lawnmower



Lantern Swinger
There was a Rock Ape officer doing a recruitment presentation at my old college some years ago. He looked exactly like Swiss Toni and spoke exactly as per JFH's samples. :D I was not long in the country at the time and I just couldn't bring myself to believe that it wasn't an elaborate wind up! Little did I know . . . To be fair to the man he did seem to have a very resilient complexion : constant sniggering from the teacher's row did not phase him one bit.

Off topic but if any of you are ever in Wallington, there is a used car dealership called Geyfords. Either Swiss Toni is modelled on the owner or he is modelled on Swiss Toni. Has to be seen to be believed. 8O


War Hero
I once attended an Information Security briefing (aka sales pitch from bloke who allegedly, at some point worked at\in the Whitehouse doing something or another). His presentation was just like JFH posted and, to this day, I still haven't got a fcuking clue what he was on about.


Book Reviewer
I must have sat through hundreds of hours of presentations like this in the afterlife. The RAF are experts in management.


War Hero
I was over seeing a lesson being taught by our newly arrived American EOD diver, he spoke shite, but his pet saying was " this is the long pole" of etc etc.

A German officer was sat in the class and asked me "What is this long pole" and I explained that it was the main point, ie like a long pole when building a wigwam tent.

He stood up and said to the yank, "If you vould pleez talk about diving and not fukcin wigwam building, ve vould know what you are fukcin talkin about" !!

We all pissed ourselves whilst Alma J Chicken Sh!t composed himself ...


War Hero
Book Reviewer

I've yet to read your post but is it along these lines:

- Blah blah waffle bullshit
- Look how much i earn
- i'm a cunt nes pas?
- Bollocky bollocky bollocks
- Tally ho. Pass the brylcreem
- Bury yourself up to your back wheels in my rear turret big boy


War Hero
Book Reviewer
sgtpepperband said:
BR: You've got a commission anyway, right? So you probably know all these sayings already..? :? :wink:

The Army version though SPB. Everything ends with "Deal with that will you Sarn't Major? There's a good fellow" It's a hard life being badged Life Guards.

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