The road to pervers ruin.....

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by guestm, Feb 23, 2010.

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  1. Last night I had a few drinks with a number of friends. Well, I say a few drinks but to be fair I was monkey trousered by 2200.

    Anyway, we left the mess in a cheery state and headed back to an oppos cabin to continue slagging off everyone that wasn't present and manking about how outrageous it is that we get paid so much for doing so little.

    On arrival at said oppos cabin, he nipped out to get some fags. Naturally, with the three of us left alone in a cabin who's owner wasn't present, we began to rifle through his stuff.

    We found the usual, jazz mags, some MASSIVE lasses knickers with what looked like egg in them, a picture of a random bloke in noz 1's (?). Basically we were overturning his cabin, pissing in his beret and putting it in his freezer etc.

    Then I came across one of those electro-shock ab things. You know, the things for fat lazy cunts who can't be arsed to actually do any phys. It was one of the posher ones, with indivisual sticky bits rather than jus being some kind of belt.

    Now me being me, the first think that the others said was "Put it on your tongue" So I did, and it fucking hurt. This was followed by putting it on my head, that hurt too. Then things went to their natural conclusion, I whuipped down my pants, stuck one pad on my left bollock, one on the right and shoved a third down my foreskin. With trepidation, I started at level one; "ooooh, nice!"

    Well, by level 6 I had an enotmous boner, I had to tape the third pad onto my stormtroopers hat and had weird pain / pleasure overload. A final blast on level 9 by my mate sent me crashing to the deck in agony, but inside I was loving it. The cabin owner returned just as we were crying with laughter and trying to guess whether I would be hospitalised or Jizz first.

    All day today I've been thinking about that experience, and harbour a firm desire to spend 200 quid on what is little more than a torture device that I intend to strap to myself and fry my genitals off.

    I am a sick man, there is now no hope for me. I ask you all to help me from straying down this dark path of hamsters, ball-gags, asphyxiation and scat.
  2. It's a long dark road that you are preparing to travel. It may end in a ship's hold in several hundred feet water with just you and your gas reclaim helmet and of course your oxy-arc burning equipment. There is no way that you can avoid being the meat in the sandwich between the electrical circuit and the ship's hull. Your fillings will fizz spectacularly and your knob end will glow.


    I read your post with interest and found it entirely believable except for the bit where you asserted that you had friends [as in plural] :thumbleft:

    Happy Trails
  3. Shocking behaviour.
  4. You could always nip to your friendly greenies mess and borrow either a bridge meggar or a BM 80 for your electrical jollies
  5. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    I think the only thing you did wrong that night was failing to shit in his fridge.
  6. And what the fcuk is wrong with scat?
  7. Valid point, they were more forced acquaintances than friends to be fair. I hate them all and they hate me equally.

    I'm off down stores to get some 12v batteries.
  8. Edited for electro shock double-post.

    Mmmmmmm, voltage.
  9. Remember - real men wire in series not parallel and use batteries with lots of amp-hours.

    Follow my advice and you will deffo end up with more than a passing resemblance to your avatar.
  10. Had a flashback to some geezer who decided to touch the overhead powerlines with a scaffold pole.

    Smoking!!!!! 8O
  11. Remember that adver or public information programme with that cunt who went to fetch his frisbee?

  12. I do. I like the smell of charred flesh in the morning. 8O

    As an aside the pulsed electrical current entered in his right arm and exited by his left bollock.

  13. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    Real men take on submarine main battery cells. Can't remember ever getting a bonner after the belt. 8O
  14. My dad did that with a steel ladder, lasted at least 30 mins before his heart said 'fcuk it'
  15. :roll: Did dock officer at the Old Bailey in the case of an Irishman who used a replica firearm to abduct a brown hatter shagged his arse and then plugged him into the mains and turned the power on. He got 5 years. :( I also remember the most attended clear lower deck warrant regarding an O.D. who had both ears trapped in vices and also got his arse shagged. 8O He loved every second of it but he did come from rural Norfolk. :wink:
  17. SS if I were you mate, with your family luck I would not bother with the lottery. 8O :?
  18. Right here's a true perverse dit.
    I went to a party in Nuneaton about 5 years ago and there was this bird who was the mum of one of the young uns at the bash.
    So shuffty my oppo goes up top with her to service the gorge. When he is done another oppo goes up and throws a lump up her.
    When I went up she was hanging out the window slagging off anyone who passed up the road. I pulled the sash cord window down on her and slipped her a crippler and then went to the heads. When I came out another bloke was stoking the fire and so I stood and watched trying to spot a similarity in our modus operandi. It kind of got me going so I gave her one up the transom for good luck and then so did a few others.
    In the pub the following Friday, the young lad was giving it big as to how he had boned the bird in the window twice. This was after I had fessed up to the fact I had done a double header.
    Then the identity was revealed by a mate of ours from Brum who did not know that the lad was her son and another bloke at the table was her hubby a fact not known to me.
    Fuckin hell I recon I could have done the 1.5 miles in half the required time and kept it up for a week.
    I have managed to avoid the hubby for years but the son comes in the pub and still boasts about how he boned mummy. Mummy don't give a shit and they are the nearest to a Jerremy Kyle family I know.
    I have NO opinion. 8O :oops: :oops:
  19. Rumrat, I fucking love you.
  20. Fcuking Awesome Rumrat.

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