Last night I had a few drinks with a number of friends. Well, I say a few drinks but to be fair I was monkey trousered by 2200. Anyway, we left the mess in a cheery state and headed back to an oppos cabin to continue slagging off everyone that wasn't present and manking about how outrageous it is that we get paid so much for doing so little. On arrival at said oppos cabin, he nipped out to get some fags. Naturally, with the three of us left alone in a cabin who's owner wasn't present, we began to rifle through his stuff. We found the usual, jazz mags, some MASSIVE lasses knickers with what looked like egg in them, a picture of a random bloke in noz 1's (?). Basically we were overturning his cabin, pissing in his beret and putting it in his freezer etc. Then I came across one of those electro-shock ab things. You know, the things for fat lazy cunts who can't be arsed to actually do any phys. It was one of the posher ones, with indivisual sticky bits rather than jus being some kind of belt. Now me being me, the first think that the others said was "Put it on your tongue" So I did, and it fucking hurt. This was followed by putting it on my head, that hurt too. Then things went to their natural conclusion, I whuipped down my pants, stuck one pad on my left bollock, one on the right and shoved a third down my foreskin. With trepidation, I started at level one; "ooooh, nice!" Well, by level 6 I had an enotmous boner, I had to tape the third pad onto my stormtroopers hat and had weird pain / pleasure overload. A final blast on level 9 by my mate sent me crashing to the deck in agony, but inside I was loving it. The cabin owner returned just as we were crying with laughter and trying to guess whether I would be hospitalised or Jizz first. All day today I've been thinking about that experience, and harbour a firm desire to spend 200 quid on what is little more than a torture device that I intend to strap to myself and fry my genitals off. I am a sick man, there is now no hope for me. I ask you all to help me from straying down this dark path of hamsters, ball-gags, asphyxiation and scat.