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The Random Thread of Bollocks (NSFW)

URGENT COUNCUL UPDATE:
NEW LOCKDOWN RULES FROM 3rd DECEMBER 2021
WOKINGHAM AND SURROUNDING AREA:
YATELEY: It’s still ok to fight with your neighbour as long as you wear a mask and social distancing rules are adhered to.
CAMBERLEY: Burgling homes in your local area is still permitted as long as you sanitise. Track and trace technology must be used.
SANDHURST: You can only visit your dealer when dropping your kids off at school. Dealers must wear visors and sanitise all bags.
CROWTHORNE: You can still have sex with your sister, but you must be home by 10 pm.
BLACKWATER: Vigilante groups of 6 only permitted outdoors between the hours of 10 pm and 6am, PPE must be worn during physical contact & raves.
BRACKNELL: Sitting in the park is encouraged, but please note, although a bottle of white lightning has higher alcohol content than hand sanitiser, it is not a suitable substitute.
WOKINGHAM: Prostitute services will still be permitted to stay open as an essential service. Due to concerns of an economic collapse in the area.
FLEET: Is now classed as a ‘NO GO ZONE’. If you must travel through this area please follow all diversions, stay in your car at all times. Masks are not required as nothing is open.
WOKING: All middle-class drug fuelled swinging orgies must adhere to the rule of 6. Masks must be worn. Gimp masks are deemed suitable.
ASCOT: Flashing your genitalia on the racetrack is permitted strictly between the hours of 9am-10am, sterile gloves must be worn at all times, anyone found flashing outside of these hours will be quarantined for 14 days.
Puma face masks must be worn in BAGSHOT, FRIMLEY, HARTLEY WINTNEY , BISLEYAND BINFIELD whilst in Waitrose. Sticking your head up your own arse is also an acceptable form of face covering and applies to all areas.
ALDERSHOT : No need to wear a mask or self isolate, Covid can’t find your house , everyone is immune and hard as nails.
FARNBOROUGH : Everyone must stay at home and self isolate until manufacturers can supply and distribute gloves with 6 fingers.
Spread the word and stick to these guidelines folks and Christmas will still be on the cards.
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