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The Random Thread of Bollocks (NSFW)

Chris P

War Hero
There were near riots when they put the price of Scrumpy up from 13p to 15p. They dropped it to14p over Christmas and put it back up Jan75.
We used to get it 5bob a gallon from the farm over the back of the airfield at VL late 60's, rough and strain it through your teeth, couldn't handle too much of it !!!
 

Ballistic

War Hero
 

Sumo

War Hero
Made me laugh


B&Q JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITON: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITON HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here'?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no. On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes. absolutely.
-------------------------------------------
After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter - a good find for many retirees. I lasted less than a day . About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bognor babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q." I then said,"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
***Old People Rock!**
 

taffscrivs

War Hero
Similar vein, A young couple and their 5 year old son move into a brand new house on a new estate where construction is going on all round them. The little boy is fascinated by all the builders and the foreman tells his parents he can stay on site and watch and he'll keep him safe. The boy returns home at teatime and tells his parents about his exciting day and says he wants to be a builder when he grows up. His mum asks, 'Are you going back tomorrow?' Little kid replies, 'Yes if it don't piss down with rain and them bastards from Jewsons deliver the fecking bricks on time!'
 

Wightsparker

War Hero
NEWSFLASH South Island Devastation.


Our sincere condolences are extended to @Wightsparker, who's sales of I of W Rock have already plummeted throughout these recent lockdowns.
I knew someone would understand.....sniff.

I seem to recall that when the Arch Rock collapsed someone organised an April Fool jape which involved an article in the local paper asking for volunteers to turn up at the site and help the then MP re-build it............and yep, large numbers turned up. :)
 
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