The Random Thread of Bollocks (NSFW)

slim

War Hero
Nicked from ROMFT

SHOPPING FORECAST

Tesco, good,occasionally busy later
Sainsburys, moderate to good, rough in the toilet roll aisle.
Asda, slight to moderate, heavy crowds in the evening.
Mark's & Spencer and Co-op, fair.
Waitrose fair to moderate,spillage in aisle 7.
Aldi and Lidl rough at first, easing later.

And that is the end of the shopping forecast.
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
MAJOR MOTOR MERGER Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, & the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome!
 

Sumo

War Hero
MAJOR MOTOR MERGER Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, & the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome!
Is that a call girl then?
 

SONAR-BENDER

War Hero
IT'S A PURE DEAD GIVE-AWAY THAT YOU'RE SCOTTISH IF


1. You consider scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine as good weather.
2. The only sausage you like is square.
3. You were forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at secondary school.
4. You have a wide vocabulary of Scottish words such as numpty, aye, aye right, auldyin, baltic...
5. You destroyed your teeth years ago using Buchanan's toffee, Wham bars, Penny Dainties, MB Bars, Cola Cubes etc
6. You have an enormous feeling of dread whenever Scotland play a 'numpty' team like the Faroe Islands.
7. You happily engage in a conversation about the weather with someone you've never met before.
8. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia , Deacon Blue and Big Country, you still love it when you're in a club abroad and they play something Scottish.
9. You used to watch Glen Michael's Cavalcade on a Sunday afternoon with his side kick Lamp Paladin.
10. You got Oor Wullie and The Broons annuals at Xmas.
11. You can tell where another Scot is from by their accent - "Awright, pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Sun ? Cheers, magic pal." Or "Fit ya bin up tae ? Fair few quines in the nicht, eh?", etc
12. You see cops and hear someone shout 'Errapolis'.
13. You have participated in or watched people having a 'square go'.
14. You know that when someone asks you what school you went to they only want to know if you are catholic or protestant.
15. You have eaten lots and lots of random Scottish food like mince 'n tatties, Tunnock's Caramel Logs, oat cakes, haggis, Cullen skink, Lees Macaroon Bars, etc.
16. A jakey has asked you for money.
17. You think nothing of waiting expectantly for your 1p change from a shop keeper.
18. You know the right response to 'Ye dancing ?' is 'Y'askin?' followed by 'Ahm askin' and finally 'Then ahm dancin'.
19. Whenever you see sawdust it reminds you of pools of vomit as that's what the jannies used to chuck on it at school.
20. You lose all respect for a groom who doesn't wear a kilt.
21. You don't do shopping... you 'go the messages'.
22. You're sitting on the train or bus and a drunk man sits next to you telling you a joke - and asking 'Ahm no annoying ye ahm a?' and you respond 'Naw, not at a', yer fine. This is ma stoap, but'.
23. You can have an entire phone conversation using only the words 'awright', 'aye' and 'naw'.
24. You have experienced peer pressure to have an alcoholic drink when out - regardless of the circumstances.
25. You know that ye cannae fling yer pieces oot a 20 storey flat, and that seven hundred hungry weans'll testify tae that. Furthermore you're sure that if it's butter, cheese or jeely, or if the breid is plain or pan, the odds against it reaching earth are 99 tae wan.
26. You know that going to a party at a friend's house involves bringing your own drink.
27. Your holiday abroad is ruined if you hear there is a heatwave in Scotland while you're away.
28. Your national team goes 2-0 up again the Czechs in a qualifier in Prague and your mate says we'll end up losing 3-2 here and you think "Probably".
29. You can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Colquhoun and Auchtermuchty.
30. Your favourite pizza is deep fried and battered from the chippy.
31. You're used to 4 seasons in one day.
32. You can't pass a chip shop or kebab shop, without drooling, when you’re drunk.
33. You can fall about drunk without spilling your drink.
34. You measure distance in minutes.
35. You can understand Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like them in your own family.
36. You go to Saltcoats because you think it's like being at the ocean.
37. You can make a whole sentence out of just swear words.
38. You know what haggis is made with and still eat it.
39. Somebody you know used a football schedule to plan their wedding day date.
40. You've been at a wedding where the footie results were read out.
41. You aren't surprised to find curries, pizzas, kebabs, Irn Bru, nappies and fags all for sale in one shop.
42. Your seaside holiday home has Calor gas under it.
43. You know that Irn Bru is an infallible hangover cure.
44. You understand all the above and are going to send it to your pals.
45. And finally, you are 100 per cent Scottish if you have ever used these terms - "How's it hingin'?", "clatty", "boggin", "cludgie", "dreich", "bampot", "bawheid", "baw bag" and "dubble nugget".
 
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