The Random Thread of Bollocks (NSFW)

Alfacharlie

War Hero
Moon was mental, I think they topped him up with drugs, wound him, put the sticks in his hands and released the spring!

i wouldn't be surprised if they modelled Animal of the Muppets on him.
Too true. ‘Dear Boy’, his book is pretty much surreal. Plus, his part in Oliver Reeds book, ‘Evil Spirits’. Two great reads.
But, ‘the Moon’ in ‘I Can See For Miles’ is genius.

Then we had Jedward......:mad::mad:
 

Dredd

War Hero
Super Moderator
I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World.
So I took them to a fish market and said "Shhhh, they're all asleep."

I was in the reception area at a hotel full of chess players bragging about how good they are.
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.


"Did you know Marie Osmond is about to appear in the world's worst film?"
"Warner Brothers?
"I already have."

I never knew my sister owned a taser.
I was stunned when I found out.


At university I studied archaeology.
I just scraped through my exams.

I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention, disguised as the doctor from the Starship Enterprise.
Security guards stopped me. They knew I wasn't the real McCoy.

The doctor said to me "It looks as though you may have an iron deficiency."
I said "How do you know?"
He said "Your shirt's all wrinkled."

Before my surgery, the anaesthetist offered to use a knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.

I bought a universal remote control today.
I think this is going to change everything.

A penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman "I've lost my brother, have you seen him?"
The barman replies "I don't know - what does he look like?"

Retrospectively, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online.
Heinz site's a wonderful thing.

I tried calling the tinnitus helpline yesterday but it just kept ringing.

Just attended a conference on cosmetic surgery.
It was lovely to see so many new faces.

A warning to the person that stole my glasses- I've got contacts!!

There's a new record for the world's biggest egg: 7.4 kilos.
That'll take some beating.

I had dinner with the world chess champion the other night at our local restaurant. I asked him to pass the salt. The table cloth was checked.
It took him 25 minutes.

As a baby, my parents bathed me in cheap Australian lager.
It wasn't until I was eighteen that they finally told me I'd been fostered.

I saw that TV show, 'Fifty Things To Do Before You Die'.
They missed the obvious one: Shout for help.

The guy who owned the local cinema has died.
His funeral will be held next Monday at 14:20, 18:10 and 20:40.

My film about baby Moses is looking good.
I've just seen the rushes.
Tim Vine walt
 
Before
1580278249953.png
Now
1580278394036.png
The furore


The Chinee embassy said the cartoon crossed the "ethical boundary of free speech" and demanded that the paper and cartoonist Niels Bo Bojesen "reproach themselves for their mistake and publicly apologise to the Chinese people".

Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen said freedom of expression in Denmark includes cartoons.

[Which all goes to prove that the Danes sense of humour is not one to be sneezed at...]

Taxi! Lickshaw for BOOTWU!!
 
Last edited:

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
Before
View attachment 47953
Now
View attachment 47954
The furore


The Chinee embassy said the cartoon crossed the "ethical boundary of free speech" and demanded that the paper and cartoonist Niels Bo Bojesen "reproach themselves for their mistake and publicly apologise to the Chinese people".

Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen said freedom of expression in Denmark includes cartoons.

[Which all goes to prove that the Danes sense of humour is not one to be sneezed at...]

Taxi! Lickshaw for BOOTWU!!
83483063_10159439914403761_8871990153799794688_o.jpg
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
A Harley Street plastic surgeon is using pieces of recycled mattresses in his breast augmentation procedures.
Yes, it's mammary foam.

Why did the soldier turn up late for duty, dressed in civilian clothes having had to get a bus to barracks.
He'd lost his khakis.
 

Sumo

War Hero
A Harley Street plastic surgeon is using pieces of recycled mattresses in his breast augmentation procedures.
Yes, it's mammary foam.

Why did the soldier turn up late for duty, dressed in civilian clothes having had to get a bus to barracks.
He'd lost his khakis.
Groan.png
 

Sumo

War Hero
My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
 

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