The Random Thread of Bollocks (NSFW)

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
John Wayne threw you in a river?? :eek:o_O
Not quite it was an older and much larger cousin. I kept falling in to the harbour for various reasons, eventually Mother got too hear of this and banned me from going to the jetty where we ran the boats from at Lyme, until I could swim. Foolishly I asked said cousin on how to learn to swim, he gave me some flippers and once I had them on threw me off of the jetty, into water that was way out of my depth, after sinking a couple of times I obeyed his shouted instruction of "Kick your legs!" and hey I was swimming.
 
...as a bonus that was also how @janner enhanced his Tap Dancing skills for all time.



[Some might recall that old messdeck cry "All those who can't tap dance are Que..." which had everyone on their toes tap dancing furiously like F Astaire as if their very lives depended on it.}
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
What's all the fuss about eh? We used to get it delivered to our street when I were a lad. And we used to eat Polio mints and her next door had no problem pushing her old man to the bookies every Saturday, and he was in an iron lung. National Service - that'll sort 'em out.

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janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World.
So I took them to a fish market and said "Shhhh, they're all asleep."

I was in the reception area at a hotel full of chess players bragging about how good they are.
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.


"Did you know Marie Osmond is about to appear in the world's worst film?"
"Warner Brothers?
"I already have."

I never knew my sister owned a taser.
I was stunned when I found out.


At university I studied archaeology.
I just scraped through my exams.

I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention, disguised as the doctor from the Starship Enterprise.
Security guards stopped me. They knew I wasn't the real McCoy.

The doctor said to me "It looks as though you may have an iron deficiency."
I said "How do you know?"
He said "Your shirt's all wrinkled."

Before my surgery, the anaesthetist offered to use a knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.

I bought a universal remote control today.
I think this is going to change everything.

A penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman "I've lost my brother, have you seen him?"
The barman replies "I don't know - what does he look like?"

Retrospectively, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online.
Heinz site's a wonderful thing.

I tried calling the tinnitus helpline yesterday but it just kept ringing.

Just attended a conference on cosmetic surgery.
It was lovely to see so many new faces.

A warning to the person that stole my glasses- I've got contacts!!

There's a new record for the world's biggest egg: 7.4 kilos.
That'll take some beating.

I had dinner with the world chess champion the other night at our local restaurant. I asked him to pass the salt. The table cloth was checked.
It took him 25 minutes.

As a baby, my parents bathed me in cheap Australian lager.
It wasn't until I was eighteen that they finally told me I'd been fostered.

I saw that TV show, 'Fifty Things To Do Before You Die'.
They missed the obvious one: Shout for help.

The guy who owned the local cinema has died.
His funeral will be held next Monday at 14:20, 18:10 and 20:40.

My film about baby Moses is looking good.
I've just seen the rushes.
 

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