The Random Thread of Bollocks (NSFW)

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
The father replies,
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went..?"
 

Ballistic

War Hero
A normal day on Facebook
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook group?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jackasses.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
249 to post meme's and gif's (several are of someone eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)
19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
12 to post F.
8 to ask what F means.
16 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.
3 to say "can't share"
2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"
36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.
6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
 

huwshpis

War Hero
A normal day on Facebook
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook group?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jackasses.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
249 to post meme's and gif's (several are of someone eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)
19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
12 to post F.
8 to ask what F means.
16 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.
3 to say "can't share"
2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"
36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.
6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
Thank f**k I'm not on faceache any more! :)
 
A normal day on Facebook
etc etc
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
Not forgetting those RR's who gaily & daily trawl through Facebook to re-post here heaps of 'witty/interesting/insert crap of choice' gems for the enrichment & enlightenment of other poor souls here :SAD FACE:
 

SONAR-BENDER

War Hero
The Rugby World Cup - A Guide for football fans

During the Matches you will see some disturbing sights. Players are going to get Hit. They are going to get Hit Extremely hard, and they are going to get up again without complaining, and without rolling around in agony. This is normal in Rugby, and is called Manning the Fuck Up. You will also notice that the Players will not surround the Referee and call him A Wanker. They will also not call the Touch Judge A Blind Wanker. Finally, the Crowd will not sing 'The Referees A Wanker'. I know its Odd, but we kind of like it that way.

The Rules. This obviously is A tricky one. Four Years ago the Call of choice from Footie Fans was 'Over the Top Ref'. You were never right then, and chances are you wont be now. Far better to go with 'In at the Side'. Since neither the Players, the Ref or the Crowd ever get this right, there is every chance you may pull this one off. Just don't shout it during A Scrum or A Line-out as you will look A Complete Dick. Forget Offside, this is A Random Concept carried around in each Referees Head. Even we don't know what he's given it for. Finally, don't bother shouting 'Not Straight' at A Scrum. No International Scrum has been fed straight since 1987, and that was an Accident.

Watching in the Pub. This will be equally strange for You. Supporters of both Teams will be present and wearing their 'Colours'. They are not going to attempt to Kill or Maim each other, And they will not abuse each other with Foul Language. The Atmosphere will be pleasant (unless too many of you arseholes turn up....) It will most definitely NOT be A wise move for you to 'Offer someone out'. In the unlikely event that someone from A Rugby Club 'Offers you out', The wisest course of action will be to leave via the Toilet Window.
I hope you find this useful, and please try not to be too much of A pain in the Arse. Enjoy!!
 

Sumo

War Hero
@SONAR-BENDER not so sure, can get rather heated, in my living room when rugby is on, apparently, me knowing the rules as well as any ex players doesn't go down well when they have only been spectators, unless oldest son shows up, he is still playing, he also looks at the ref and says, wot me offside ref? Then it's me and he Vs the others, they just out number us 11_2.
 

Ballistic

War Hero
The Atmosphere will be pleasant
No it won't. The twats who descend on my pub will see to that.

My local will be full of braying arseholes who only appear every 4 years, barging the regulars out of the way and abusing the bar staff because their Guinness is taking too long to pour.

Fortunately, the mutual backslapping fest, ("Oh, aren't we so-o-o-o much better than those football hooligans"), takes place mostly around the late forenoon this year so I won't be involved.

Bunch of cunts.
 

Sumo

War Hero
No it won't. The twats who descend on my pub will see to that.

My local will be full of braying arseholes who only appear every 4 years, barging the regulars out of the way and abusing the bar staff because their Guinness is taking too long to pour.

Fortunately, the mutual backslapping fest, ("Oh, aren't we so-o-o-o much better than those football hooligans"), takes place mostly around the late forenoon this year so I won't be involved.

Bunch of cunts.
Fence sitting again?
 

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