The Random Thread of Bollocks (NSFW)

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
A three badge AB was leaving the navy but couldnt take home his parrot of 15 years close company simply cause his wife refused to allow it into the house.
So, Jack being Jack, he decided to donate it to a local pet shop on the sole stipulation it could only be sold to an old age pensioner who lived on their own. This because the parrot could talk the hind leg off a donkey and would be great company for an OAP.
The Pet shop owner was a nice guy and promised Jack he would strictly follow his wishes and that he need not fear for his parrots welfare. As Jack left he turned and said just one thing to be aware of. The parrot can swear like a bloody trooper but always precedes it with the words "Away Seaboats Crew"! - if when hearing that you just chuck something wet over his head he will shut up And off home Jack went.
Weeks later a little old lady came into the petshop and left very happy with the parrot. They talked together all the way home and the lady was fully aware of the swearing clause.
Anyhow she had the parrot nearly a week and they were both very happy together, rattling on like nobodys business with not a swear word to be heard.
Anyway on the Friday morning the Vicar always came round for coffee at 1100hrs. He duly turned up on time and sat down in the armchair next to the parrot on his roost in the lounge. The old lady came in with a tray of biscuits and two cups of coffee and just as she placed them on the little coffee table, the parrot, (for the very first time) squawked: "Away Seaboats Crew"!
Without sparing a second to think, the little old lady picked up the nearest cup of coffee and threw it over the parrots head! The parrot wildly shook its head, then squawked: "And bring your f***ing oilskins, its pi**ing down outside;"!
 

taffscrivs

War Hero
A man was walking along by Bristol Zoo and sees a bloke running towards him.
He asks: 'Why are you running so fast?'
Bloke says; 'A lion's escaped from the zoo!'
Man asks; 'Which way did it go?'
Bloke replies 'You don't think I'm fecking chasing it do you?'
 

Sumo

War Hero
An oldie

2 men in the jungle, one wearing good strong walking boots, the other wearing trainers.

The guy in the boots says, you should be wearing good boots, his mate says I am wearing trainers just in case we see a Lion, so I can run.

The guy in boots says, you will never out run a Lion, his reply I don’t need to, I just have to out run you in your heavy boots.
 
A bit of a grey area then? Very light grey wall board, which becomes a grey board, and a very dark grey marker?...might work....as I say, a grey area....
 

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