The Random Thread of Bollocks (NSFW)

Police Warning

STAY AWAY FROM WEYMOUTH! Witnessed totally disgusting behavior on the beach at Weymouth yesterday. A man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids then she smacked him one on the head and it all kicked off between them, the police turned up and the policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke but the man actually managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it.
Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages
 
The true and sad tale of a skimmer?


I can't afford a decent holiday & don’t get subbies and hotels on jollies. So I'm just going to drink until I don't know where I am.
 
Apparently an American sailor type said this and I think it, it sums us up to a tee

"Those Brits are a strange old race; they show affection by abusing each other, will think nothing of casually stopping in the middle of a fire fight for there "Stand-Easy" and eat food that I wouldn't give to a dying dog! but fuck me, I would rather have one British Submariner on side than a entire battalion of spetznaz!!!... Why? Because the British Submariners are the only people in the world who when the chips are down and there seems like no hope left, instead of getting sentimental or hysterical, will look you in the eye, strap on their kit, charge their weapons, light up a smoke, have a "Stand-Easy" and calmly and wryly grin "well what are you waiting for wanker!" let’s get on with it then.
 
Apparently an American sailor type said this and I think it, it sums us up to a tee

"Those Brits are a strange old race; they show affection by abusing each other, will think nothing of casually stopping in the middle of a fire fight for there "Stand-Easy" and eat food that I wouldn't give to a dying dog! but **** me, I would rather have one British Submariner on side than a entire battalion of spetznaz!!!... Why? Because the British Submariners are the only people in the world who when the chips are down and there seems like no hope left, instead of getting sentimental or hysterical, will look you in the eye, strap on their kit, charge their weapons, light up a smoke, have a "Stand-Easy" and calmly and wryly grin "well what are you waiting for ******!" let’s get on with it then.
Seen that before only substitute submariner with Marine. A sundodger in a firefight! He's blagged a lift on the wrong transport!!
 
Bull.jpg

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs

“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”
 
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