The Random Thread of Bollocks (NSFW)

skyvet

GCM
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Can't beat popping downtown for lunch!
 

Stirlin

War Hero
A story about a female stalker caught my eye in our local rag , here she is.....

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it was this bit that caught my eye

'' she was found collapsed on the site after drinking Covid-19 sterilization fluid and a bottle of red wine. ''
WTF......
 

Dusty70

War Hero
A story about a female stalker caught my eye in our local rag , here she is.....

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it was this bit that caught my eye

'' she was found collapsed on the site after drinking Covid-19 sterilization fluid and a bottle of red wine. ''
WTF......
I worked in the NHS and we had to change the hand dispensers to ones without alchohol (1%) throughout the hospitals as weirdos were coming in off the street and drinking them

bit like my oppo drinking Brut in the 70s......................
 

LifebuoyGhost

Lantern Swinger
Sheffield council have just had a report on Street names/buildings and statues they need to change/ remove because of - very very - slight links to slavery - but for once the Lab/LibGreen coalition decided to ask the locals if they should go ahead - the sensible people of Sheffield and the vast majority that couldn’t give a toss told them to Eff off - so everything stays the same - including this hostelry that I’ve had the pleasure of getting pissed in once or twice in the past
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So for once the wokes got shafted - what a refreshing change
 

Topstop

War Hero
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First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary
medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting.

When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
Worked in a Hospital before joining the Andrew, same thing with diabetic urine sample testing with student nurses.
 

slim

War Hero
URGENT COUNCUL UPDATE:
NEW LOCKDOWN RULES FROM 3rd DECEMBER 2021
WOKINGHAM AND SURROUNDING AREA:
YATELEY: It’s still ok to fight with your neighbour as long as you wear a mask and social distancing rules are adhered to.
CAMBERLEY: Burgling homes in your local area is still permitted as long as you sanitise. Track and trace technology must be used.
SANDHURST: You can only visit your dealer when dropping your kids off at school. Dealers must wear visors and sanitise all bags.
CROWTHORNE: You can still have sex with your sister, but you must be home by 10 pm.
BLACKWATER: Vigilante groups of 6 only permitted outdoors between the hours of 10 pm and 6am, PPE must be worn during physical contact & raves.
BRACKNELL: Sitting in the park is encouraged, but please note, although a bottle of white lightning has higher alcohol content than hand sanitiser, it is not a suitable substitute.
WOKINGHAM: Prostitute services will still be permitted to stay open as an essential service. Due to concerns of an economic collapse in the area.
FLEET: Is now classed as a ‘NO GO ZONE’. If you must travel through this area please follow all diversions, stay in your car at all times. Masks are not required as nothing is open.
WOKING: All middle-class drug fuelled swinging orgies must adhere to the rule of 6. Masks must be worn. Gimp masks are deemed suitable.
ASCOT: Flashing your genitalia on the racetrack is permitted strictly between the hours of 9am-10am, sterile gloves must be worn at all times, anyone found flashing outside of these hours will be quarantined for 14 days.
Puma face masks must be worn in BAGSHOT, FRIMLEY, HARTLEY WINTNEY , BISLEYAND BINFIELD whilst in Waitrose. Sticking your head up your own arse is also an acceptable form of face covering and applies to all areas.
ALDERSHOT : No need to wear a mask or self isolate, Covid can’t find your house , everyone is immune and hard as nails.
FARNBOROUGH : Everyone must stay at home and self isolate until manufacturers can supply and distribute gloves with 6 fingers.
Spread the word and stick to these guidelines folks and Christmas will still be on the cards.
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