The Random Thread of Bollocks (NSFW)

Ballistic

War Hero
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Stirlin

War Hero
4 mates were coming up to their 40th Birthdays. They decided to celebrate with a drink and a meal. They chose Weatherspoons in Uttoxeter because it had cheap beer, ok food and the bar maids were easy on the eye.

Fast forward 10 years to their 50th and they decided to do it again. They chose Weatherspoons in Uttoxeter because it had cheap beer, ok food and there was easy parking.

Fast forward to their 60th and they chose Weatherspoons in Uttoxeter because it had cheap beer, ok food, parking and there was no music.

Fast forward to their 70th and they chose Weatherspoons in Uttoxeter because it had cheap beer, ok food, easy parking, no music and there was a lift to the toilets.

Another 10 years go by and they are coming up to the big 80.

They chose the Weatherspoons in Uttoxeter because they had never been there before
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset.
_"You are a disrespectful pi*g!"_ she cried. _"How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"_
The husband calmly replied, _"Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened."_
_"Fine, go ahead",_ the wife sobbed, _"but they will be the last words you say to me!"_
The husband began:
_"Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."_
_"She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days."_
_"Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously."_
_"She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away."_
_"I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."_
_"I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste."_
_"I gave her the se*xy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."_
The husband paused, took a quick breath and continued:
_"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, *“Please sir... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use...
 
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