The Random Thread of Bollocks (NSFW)

Taztiff

War Hero
Nicked

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "£750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "£1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
 

taffscrivs

War Hero
Gypo looks through the church window and spies the vicar having a toss by the altar. He waits for him to leave the church and says, 'Hello Reverend, want to buy a lurcher for £200?' 'No thanks my son, I don't need a dog.' he replies. Gypo says, 'I could tell everyone I saw you wanking in church'. 'Oh alright then, I'll buy the dog but don't you tell anybody what you saw.' Gypo gets this ancient lurcher out of his van. It's only got one eye, is lame and looks like it could die at any moment, but the vicar has no choice and he is the new owner. He walks through the village with this manky dog on a piece of string and meets the local copper. 'Morning Vicar got yourself a dog?'
'Yes,' says the vicar 'I bought him from a gypsy for £200'. 'Bloody hell.' says the copper, 'He must have seen you coming!'
 

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STOP PRESS It can be revealed that draft invitations to the pre-opening transit in a top of the range Mercedes, accompanied by the red-top press corps, are already at the printers.

For security reasons the female VIP's name & title remains a closely-guarded secret...


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