The new RN in the 21st century

[skyvet]

I don't know the origin of this story as it was emailed to me, but I offer it for your perusal ..........



The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having
initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless,the
Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed
them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
>
The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS
Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
>
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health

and safety and human rights laws.
>
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high
standards of behaviour.
>
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
>

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt

and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
>
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic
industrial tribunal.
>

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race,
gender, sexuality and disability.
>
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on
Working Hours, even in wartime.
>
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.
>

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed

in wardrooms and messes.
>
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash";

so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
>
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all
ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.
>
Saluting of officers is now considered
elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
>
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
>

Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or
moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.
>
The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign

may offend minorities.
>
The Union Jack must never be seen.
>
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook

from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
>
>
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.
>
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports
on England 's south coast.
>
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking
and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."
>

His final words were,
"Britannia waives the rules."
>

 

[SONAR-BENDER]

I used to work in the Type 45 offices in Filton. This was probably written then, as I co-wrote another very similar one and another chap actually created 'ship's crests' for them too! Sadly, I can find no copies of the crests any more - they are probably on a floppy somewhere!

 

[Wightsparker]

You actually admit writing material which pokes fun at the EU and diversity legislation? As Sir Humphrey might have said, "A very bold decision, Prime Minister."
I would expect a visit from the Thought Police.

 

[skyvet]

Apologies!
I'd never seen this one before - I really must get out more!

 

[Sumo]

I used to work in the Type 45 offices in Filton. This was probably written then, as I co-wrote another very similar one and another chap actually created 'ship's crests' for them too! Sadly, I can find no copies of the crests any more - they are probably on a floppy somewhere!

What's a floppy? Is it the opposite foot to a flippy?

 

[SONAR-BENDER]

You actually admit writing material which pokes fun at the EU and diversity legislation? As Sir Humphrey might have said, "A very bold decision, Prime Minister."
I would expect a visit from the Thought Police.

I live in Spain, the most un-PC country in the world. One may still call a spade a shovel, or whatever! Mind you, they have been observed taking huge amounts of EU aid.........

 

[Sumo]

I live in Spain, they have been observed taking huge amounts of EU aid.........

Someone has to spend it? Didn't we use to call that foreign aid?

 

[fishhead]

Someone has to spend it? Didn't we use to call that foreign aid?

No, that where we give an absurdly rich dictator money to but himself a new fleet of Mercedes and one for each of his wives. The remainder to be spent on a town house in Knightbridge. The peasantry may get a new village pump if they're lucky a few scrawny brown cows to show the TV crews when the come snooping.

 

[Trainer]

That is basically a Richard Littlejohn piece....

 

[repoman]

What's a floppy? Is it the opposite foot to a flippy?

Sumo, for quite sometime, my daughter used to call me 'A Drive'. Being computer illiterate it took a couple of years to realise I was being referred to as 'A 3 1/2" floppy!! The wife of course knew all along, and concurred with her of course.

 

[Funky off the kent]

Hello Skyvet, I don't recall reading anything so bloody hilarious in a
Long, long time. You are blessed with the typical matelots sense of humour.
Thanks a million, God bless all who sail in you.