The Friday Gag

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by drunken_engineer, Sep 12, 2008.

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  1. Something to launch you into the weekend.
    Enjoy. :boogie:

    A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
    He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
    In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
    'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
    'But, where did you get the tools?'
    'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
    The guy is stunned.

    'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
    While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
    'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

    Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

    No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

    'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
    When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
    'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really f eel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'

    She stares into his eyes. He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...

    'F ##king hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

  2. One simply has to set priorities! ^~
  3. With priorities like that I would have thought the crabs would have died out naturally by now.
  4. Quivering Blue-Hair

    A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dildoes h-here?"

    The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do."

    The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

    "Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

    Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

    "Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."

    "D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

    "Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."

    " W-well h-how-w do y-you t-t-turn it o-off
  5. :thumright: :thumright:
    Friday fun - you can't beat it.
  6. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
    The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! “Where on earth did you get that?†asks the barman.The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the barman and says: “Here. Rub it.â€So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish. Just one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!â€The barman gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!†A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The barman turns to the man and says, “Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.â€â€œTell me about it!!†replies the man. “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch piaist?â€
  7. :headbang: :hello1: :headbang: :hello1:
    Like it.
  8. Woman goes to doctor complaining that hubby does not make love to her anymore,
    ''Does hubby like mustard'' asks the doc
    she replies ''Yes he loves it''
    '' The tube I have here, looks like mustard,tastes like mustard but is, in fact the most powerfull aphrodisiac known to man''
    Woman thanks the doc and rushes home to make hubbies favorite meal, bangers and mash.
    Hubby arrives home, ''I have made your favorite meal and bought a fresh tube of mustard''
    ''Ace'' sez hubby as he sits down to tuck in.
    Woman rushes upstairs to await aroused hubby, before she even reaches bedroom the sound of laughter comes from kitchen, she returns downstairs to investigate, hubby is cheesed down on the floor in fits of laughter, when he calms down she asks what is so funny.
    ''I put some mustard on the sausage and it shot up the cats arse''

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