Sung to the tune of "When Constabulary duty's to be done". The Doctor's Lament The portions of a woman that appeal to man's depravity Are fashioned with considerable care; And what at first appears to be a simple little cavity Is really an elaborate affair. Now doctors of distinction have examined these phenomena In numbers of experimental dames, And given to these ornaments of feminine abdomena A number of delightful Latin names: There's the vulva, the vagina and the good old perineum And the hymen, which is present in some brides; And there's lots of other gadgets you'd just love if you could see 'em The clitoris and God knows what besides. Now isn't it a pity that when common people chatter Of the mysteries to which I have referred, That they give to this so vital and so elegant a matter Such very short and unattractive word. (All together now) "CNUT!"