Navy Net - Royal Navy Community

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

The day I thought I had been raped


Evening ****ers. Did you miss me? No? Good.

It occurred to me that I may not have spun this dit on here, but apologies if I have.

One night a little while ago I was down the pub having a few Guinnesses. Having had a few, drinking alone, and noticing a vista of beauty at the bar I wondered over to say hello. This beauty must have been close on 20 stone, had a face like a shirt found at the bottom of a pongos kit bag, and smelled as if she had bathed in a vat of cheap perfume. She was perfect.

Being young and cocky, and drunkly irresistible I employed my best line of "Alright? Fancy a... drink?" having had a moment of wisdom before substituting the last word for "shag". Not only did my sweetheart accept, but she also paid. As I said. Perfect.

We got chatting, and it emerged that (at the time) I was applying for the marines. She told me she lived next door to someone in the navy, yet didn't know how he fit in a submarine because he's 6ft 6. Using my lightning quick powers of deduction I realised I knew this man giant as a very good friend. When I told her this she decided to end the conversation saying it would be a bad idea, bought me another drink, then left.

Shortly after a man comes up to me and says he saw the whole thing, tells me to keep my chin up, and buys me a Guinness. The landlady smirks at me as she hands the drink over and walks off. She never did like me much, but tolerated me because of the quantities of money I put behind the bar. Maybe because I shagged her sister.

After about 20 minutes of talking to this bloke I realise something in his voice is a little amiss. A little Graham Norton-esque. I notice this is he is paying for another pint for me. I figure a free drink is a free drink, and crack on. This continues until he has brought me about 5 or 6 pints. Coupled with the few from earlier I'm beginning to feel rather drunk. I realise for my safety I need some scran. I seize my opportunity when he "nips to the loo" as he put it. I call the landlady over, tell her I now realise why she was smirking and that I want to buy a carvery. I quickly grab my food and hide in a corner where my new best mate can't see me.

I watch him return to the bar, look around for a few seconds, finish his drink, and leave. I finish my scran and head back to the bar. The landlady calls me a coward and gives me the drink he bought for me before he left. I stay until I'm well and truly drunk and start the long stumble home.

The next morning I wake up, sit up, and realise that it's not my head that hurts. It's my arse. It was ****ing agony. As I begin the piece the night back together I remember old Graham Norton from the bar. I begin to panic. I look around my room and he's not there. I check the kitchen - still no sign of him. Did I? Didn't I? The last thing I remember was dropping half my carvery and stealing someone's yorkshire pudding. ****. How much did I spend last night anyway? I check my wallet and find a receipt from the chinky on the way home.

I shuffle to my phone and call my friend who works in the chinese. The conversation was something like this:
"Erm, yeah hi. Listen, did I buy something from the chinese last night?"
"Err, you can't have eaten it all. You bought loads"
"Yeah, yeah. Was I with anyone?"
"No, I don't think so"
"Did anyone follow me?"
"You're being paranoid"
"Alright. I'll level with you. I woke up and my arse feels like it's inside out. Do you know what happened?"
At this point she starts laughing. Lots. When she finishes she explains:
"I know what happened. When you came in you were very very drunk. It was nearly home time and you were arguing about the price of the crispy duck. I bet you that if you could fit my whole G-string up your arse you could have the duck free. Obviously you agreed, you cheapskate. We went to my car and you tried. Well, you succeeded. The problem came when you went to take it out. You see, there was a gem in the back. It got stuck. In your drunken state you thought the best idea was to give it a quick pull and just rip it out, like taking off a plaster. THAT is why your arse hurts you stupid bastard".
I don't ****ing know!

Perhaps you edited the post. That's what happens when you do. ^^^see?
Last edited:


Welcome back Noshmon. The Pumpkin seeds I sent didn't end you then?
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
sgtpepperband In case you thought they'd been quiet... Diamond Lil's 8
MoD_RSS Puppy lovers should paws for thought to avoid being ‘Petfished’ this Christmas, warns Chief Veterinary Officer MoD News 0
MoD_RSS UK statement on freedom of thought, conscience, religion or belief at HDIM 2019 MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Press release: Pupils find out there’s more to being an engineer than first thought MoD News 0
G The thought of joining Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 8
dustyjack And the winner is......who'd have thought it? History 5
H If you thought the journey to HMS Raleigh was tough!!! Nearest & Dearest 117
MG Maniac Breaking News! Just when you thought it was safe to come out the water! Current Affairs 1
BillyNoMates They thought it was all over. Diamond Lil's 14
stan_the_man Never thought I would post something like this Diamond Lil's 74
SONAR-BENDER Sad thought processes The Gash Barge 10
stan_the_man I saw this headline and I thought fcuk me I thought Saville had snags Diamond Lil's 1
EarlyChop Just thought you might like... Diamond Lil's 3
Ghost I thought this sort of behaviour was limited to the deepest, darkest South West! Diamond Lil's 1
bigglesbandicoot Just thought Diamond Lil's 8
The_Caretaker Just a thought Miscellaneous 0
stan_the_man Found this and thought of you guys Current Affairs 7
soleil RN Website: "HMS Portland Paws For Thought" The Fleet 0
stan_the_man Found this and thought of you sea dodging feckers Diamond Lil's 9
Stirling Who would have thought..... Diamond Lil's 7
jesse Food for thought Current Affairs 16
NotmeChief Are the Swiss having second thought about Polanski Current Affairs 2
C If you thought the first series of Warship was bad.... The Fleet 6
chieftiff Bank holiday weekend - thought for the day Diamond Lil's 0
trelawney126 Shafted. And we thought they were on Holiday Current Affairs 3
T Worst Jobs You Never Thought You Would Be Doing In The Navy Diamond Lil's 57
Montigny_La_Palisse An interesting thought - RR calendar for Hols4Heroes? Diamond Lil's 248
sgtpepperband Thought For The Day... Current Affairs 27
BillyNoMates And I thought it was a wind-up. Diamond Lil's 12
U Thought for the day... The Corps 16
Naval_Gazer Food for thought Sports and Adventure Training 1
R Thought for the day Current Affairs 7
Gombear Thought Police strike again Current Affairs 17
Topaz Just thought I say... Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 6
D RN officer lying dead, was thought to be drunk Current Affairs 21
sgtpepperband And you thought YOU had a bad day... Diamond Lil's 1
asdic207 Interesting Thought Diamond Lil's 3
chieftiff Thought it was strange but! Site Issues 14
J Thought I'd introduce myself Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 17
josiecats liked it thought of you guys Diamond Lil's 4
W Thought I would post this for the navy people... Made me :) Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 12
josiecats Saw this And Thought Of.........!!! The Gash Barge 5
H True ER Stories....and you thought you were having a bad day Diamond Lil's 9
bigbaddog Never thought I'd see.... The Gash Barge 2
H Food for thought The Quarterdeck 0
angry_mac Thought Id hide from the missus this weekend Diamond Lil's 10
bigbaddog Just a Thought Diamond Lil's 29
Jarhead OMG Dubya's even stupider than we thought Diamond Lil's 33
Maxi_77 And we thought we had congestion problems Current Affairs 5
M I thought I would emply some woman logic!!! Bases / Shore Est 7
Similar threads