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The daftest thing(s) you've ever done....mostly.


War Hero
Those silly non-dangerous kind of things that you have done either in the
distant past or quite recently. Two incidents of stupid spring to mind.

The first has already been posted - that being me getting up after a night-shift
to get ready for another night shift, having a shower, drying off and then using
a can of Tesco air freshener to spray my arm pits with instead of the tin of Lynx
on the bathroom shelf.
The other one involves being on nights and sort of nodding off at stupid'o'clock
in the morning on my desk then waking up suddenly in desperate need of a pee.
Off I staggered to the heads and seeing as I was still in a sort of knackered coma,
I started to take a wazz in the gash bin that was supposed to be used for the paper
towels instead of the urinal which was next to it. Sixty seconds into urination -
I realised what was happening but it was too late to stop.
If there's any cleaners reading this.....I am truly sorry.
I was very, very tired.



War Hero
Ever put your boots on in a big hurry and tied a left boot and right boot lace together? You'll look and feel pretty daft when take your first step and go arse over head!


War Hero
Going commando in just a pair of white footy shorts to a neighbours BBQ , must have had some undercooked food as when we went to the local after BBQ I let out what I thought was a fart , large pile of watery shit on pub floor.
Managed to get home , shower and back to local for last orders.


War Hero
When I first started my property refurbishment side career, I connected the main water supply direct to the cistern heater tank (instead of from the water supply from the loft tank). Switched on main supply, filled tank, then it started to creak and expand and whilst I ran to turn on a hot tap to decrease the fucking split wide open and dumped 20 gallons of water all over the floor before dropping the kitchen and hall ceilings. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck !!
Next day signed up at local adult education college for a plumbing course !!


War Hero
Super Moderator
Was duty onboard and had a few too many CSB's when I got called to the donk shop as a 44ov portable DB fan wasn't working. I took the access plate off and saw the sign on it saying switch off before opening, which I duly did but not checking it was dead.

I stuck my hand in and then flew across the donk shop, got up, and, on wobbly legs, switched it off at the socket.

Top tip, 440v up your right arm pit sobers you up in a nanosecond (assuming you survive that is)
Picked up a tow line from a tug in Singapore, pulled it through the fairlead and round the wrong side of an awning stanchion, then over the bollard.........too late to do anything about it, tug took the weight and pulled the stanchion and guardrails over the side.
Oh how the Buffer and the Jimmy laughed..................not!!!:confused:
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War Hero
Baghdad 2006, US base called 'Camp Victory' - posing for 'warry' photos under a sign marked 'sniper alley'.

Didnt realise it was called that for a reason... :)


Bleary-eyed, and blind as a bat without vision correction apparatus affixed to one's mug, mistakenly opted for Deep Heat rather than the Colgate (red tube variety). Unless you've done the same, the "discomfort" is something that you would not wish to repeat.
Leaving harbour in Newcastle and the Capt decides to 'spring off' then turn us round. Fwd spring gets jammed on the bollard while paying out. So now we've got 6,500 tonne of RN Destroyer on the fwd spring. I stupidly make the decision that I can release it by hitting it with my hand!! I was right did release, dislocated my thumb to a sickening angle. I quickly turn to the Buffer for help and sympathy, only to receive a bollockin and a belt round the ear hole as hard as the spring jumping off the bollard, en route to the sick bay!!!!:confused:


Putting a stornophone behind a trap in the s/R's heads when they are being used as the ladies loo when the s/R's have tarts on board then saying "Not down here love , we're working" over the stornophone. The panic in the heads flat 30 seconds later was awesome to behold!!
Working on a Canberra jammer system and found a spike on the scope and hit transmit, seemed to work ok.

Walked back into the line hut and the Watch Chief suggested (well insisted) I pop up to the tower and explain why I was jamming the approach radar :(

Yep, I got a bollocking :)


War Hero
Shouting from the casing of HMS Courageous to a numpty officer who had just climbed out of his Landrover ;
"Oyyy!! You can't Park that thing there mate! Your in a fuckin' exclusion zone!"
The year was 1976 or thereabouts, the officer was the CO of HMS Bronnington and his name was Charles.
That's Prince Charles.

The OOD who was up top at the time tore me several new arseholes.

Prince Charles got back in the vehicle and fu**ed off to park somewhere else though, so it was a win for the upper deck trot (me).


War Hero
Super Moderator
On a similar vein to Billy's post, it wasn't a daft thing but an embarrassing one.

One one boat the local engineer was coming down to look at our electrolyser, I was the maintainer. when he turned up it was an old shipmate of mine, now a civvy. The conversation went:

Me..hello Tony, long time no see, how's civvy street treating you

Tony..Not too bad, at least I don't go to sea

Me..I expect the wife is happy to have you home every night, or is she pissed off you're home every night? (me laughing)

Tony..I doubt it, she died last year


There's never that hole in the deck you'd wish would open up.


War Hero
Got a wee bit tiddly at a mates wedding do and had this stonking good idea. The bride and groom were just about to take to the dance floor for that first bop as a married couple, but I had bimbled over to the d.j. (a bit topped up with JD and coke), whispered in his ear and staggered away giggling like a loon.
The happy couple took to the dance floor, ready for a slow dance, but instead they were greeted with the theme tune from the TV series "Champion, the wonder horse" instead.
Have you ever seen loads of people (submariners) trying desperately not to piss themselves laughing?


Ashore in Amsterdam. Visited one of those booths where you put money in a slot and watch naked women dancing about. Money runs out, I go to leave. Open door with left hand. Some dirty sod has gizzed all over the door handle. My hankie was in my left trouser pocket! Bloody upsetting I can tell you.


War Hero
My eldest son's wedding - didn't know any of her relatives - comes time for my piece

Hi, My name is Les, I am Phillip's Father and for those of you who don't know me, I will be starting the fight in the bar after the meal.............................

Took him a while to get over the embarrassment ..................................................

True dit


Lantern Swinger
Ashore in Amsterdam. Visited one of those booths where you put money in a slot and watch naked women dancing about. Money runs out, I go to leave. Open door with left hand. Some dirty sod has gizzed all over the door handle. My hankie was in my left trouser pocket! Bloody upsetting I can tell you.
When I served at Comcen Whitehall we used to go to Soho to carry out this respectful sport and we called it 'blimpin' @ about 50p per time I seem to remember. Last one to cum got the round in, or was it first to cum???
I remember some essence looking black bird offering me the chance to take things a step further downstairs for a price but I kindly declined given that I was on a leaving run with one of my oppos and needed all my cash, after a few attempts at persuading me to no avail she called me a C**T and told me to Foxtrot Oscar. No complaints as it was a great run ashore..


War Hero
Early 70s, working in MoD Main Building. Telephone on desk of retired officer rings, and rings. The RO was on a long lunch. Eventually, I ambled over and answered it.
Wightsparker: "Hello, this is Lt Cdr XXXXX's telephone, can I help?"
Caller: (in a voice reminiscent of the late Derek Nimmo) "Oh, is Lt Cdr XXXXX there?"
Wightsparker: (suspecting a wind-up and tempted to say that if he HAD been there he would have answered the phone himself) "No, he's at lunch. Can I ask who's calling?"
Caller: (still in Derek Nimmo voice mode) Oh, this is the Chaplain of the Fleet here."
Wightsparker: (now convinced of a wind-up) Well, you can f**k off, for a start.
Longish pause. Then:
Caller: I'm terribly sorry, I AM the Chaplain of the Fleet, and I'm afraid I can't help the way that I speak. "
Wightsparker: ( shrinking to about three inches tall ) "Splutter, stammer, really sorry etc etc........"

I'd like to think I learnt something from the experience, but of course I didn't.
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