The crevice

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by 2_deck_dash, Mar 15, 2010.

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  1. It's been a while since I have posted a poo dit so I thought I would regale you with this little episode I had this morning:

    I went for my usual Monday morning sesh on the seat of ease (during work time obviously) and carried out all my usual preps for firing;

    Clean seat, give cursory wipe just to make sure - check
    Adequate reading material, discarded copy of the Sun, suppose it'll do - check
    Pre flush to ensure clean splash back - check
    Buffer wodge of bog roll to reduce splash back - check
    Sufficient supply of bog roll for clean up operation, one fresh roll - check

    Satisfied that it was safe to continue with the evolution, I sat down and enjoyed curling out a Cleveland Steamer while I flicked through the Sun.

    As I finished up and got to the last pages of the Sun, (the bits with the adverts for hearing aids and wax jackets) I inspected my load, satisfied with the Bungle's finger I had created, I commenced phase two of the operation, the cleaning up.

    As I started to wipe, I realised that there was a considerable amount of residue. I continued through none the less, trying a varied combination of scrunched bog roll and neatly folded bog roll. Every time I wiped, there seemed to be more and more shit and wiping only exasperated the problem, smearing greasy turd across my hoop and balls. I started to near the end of the paper realising that I was going to run out long before I had cleansed myself fully.

    Since I had now used an entire bog roll, I decided to flush in order to minimise the chance of blocking the shitter. The next problem that presented itself was how I was going to replenish the arse wipes? Listening out for the tell tale grunts and splashes of another bog user, I realised the coast was clear, so I opened the door and did the penguin walk to the next cubicle with my trousers round my ankles. I locked the door in cubicle number two and sat down. To my horror there was no bog roll. Once I again I repeated the penguin walk into cubicle number three, where luckily there was a nice new fresh roll of Andrex glinting in the sunlight.

    Another half a bog roll later, I finally finished up, clearing all residue and I trotted back to my desk with a sparkling hoop that would've been ready for Captain's rounds.

    It dawned on me that this extended wiping seems to happen a lot to me and I wondered if maybe I have an abnormally deep crevice? Is anyone else blessed with such an affliction?
  2. I think the problem is your hoop has been smashed so often your snippet valve is knackered. You need to see the doc and get some new seals fitted mate.
  3. Yeah, you're probably right. My balloon knot hasn't been the same since I 'fell' on that jam jar.
  4. That was you?, I've seen the clip, put me right off me jam sarnies. I thought they were strawberry pips, they must have been your klingons
  5. It strikes me that you didn't stay seated for long enough. Did you, whilst wiping your arse, find that another 'Reggie' was waiting to be 'taken to the seaside'? You also make no mention of your legs being completely numb, to the point where you cannot stand or walk without the use of something to hang onto. Nor do you mention completing the crossword, wordring and sudoku. For these reasons I conclude that you had not in fact finished when you first stood, and merely used the entire bog roll to effectively shit into the palm of your hand whilst standing. Next time, I suggest you remain in your seat until the performance is finished.
  6. You may have a point actually, the crossword was too difficult today so I gave up. Maybe that's why.
  7. Allow me, then, to give you a helping hand;

    1 Down - Curl.

    Hope this is useful.
  8. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    I'm with WreckerL on this one, AngryDoc will be along shortly to give his professional opinion, I'm sure Sol will draw his attention to the thread as its not in the Medical forum 8O
  9. Fcuk me 2DD please don't tell me you struggle with the Sun crossword, you said you did rather well on OMs course
  10. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    It's not just you mate. I too have had this problem. It's like tabbing around Brecon, it never fucking ends. I've had it where my shoulder has ached and my old mud eye has been in agony from the wiping. No matter how soft the comfy bum, after repeated wipes you might as well use sand paper.
  11. Thats why I always crap first thing in the morning at home, about 3 wipes then in the shower.
  12. I use this stuff in the employee's bogs:

    I'm thinking of getting one of these for the management suite:

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