The Reverend Bertram Fortescue-Blitherington 666 "The Old Vicarage" Jehovas Avenue Upper-Proddington Hants. To whom it may concern, I feel I must write to you to voice a matter of the utmost importance. My youngest son, Tarquin Fortescue-Blitherington (aged 11yrs), has, of late, shown some alarming changes to his once, charming and youthful demeanour. These alterations to his flawless character have been gathering momentum over the past six months and it was difficult for both myself and my good lady wife, Ariadne to ascertain the root cause, that is until I happened upon him operating the Vicarage Personal Computer. I thought (at first) that he was continuing his studies into the popularity of "Thomas the Tank Engine", but on closer inspection, I have discovered that he has been reading something called *Rum Nation* or some such. This has had a somewhat alarming effect on the lad. It was necessary to maintain a diary of events (which I have forwarded to the Bishop for review). Some of the more salient points being: (1). At breakfast, Tarquin has steadfastly refused his usual bowl of Chocolate Reddy-Brek, prior to going off to school and has been asking, in fact demanding that my dearest Ariadne provide him with "Shit-on-a-raft", "Elephants Footprints", "Harbour-Cotters", "Cheesy-Hammy-Eggy", "Yellow Peril" and something that I shall refer to as "A person of African and/or Negro origins penis". (2). He now calls my Verger a "No-Badge Nozzer", and been observed to make him "Skirmish the Church Graveyard" at six'o'clock in the morning. (3). Last week, he performed what he called a "Zulu Warrior" at the Upper-Proddington Ladies Guild Bring-and-Buy Sale, which unfortunately caused an elderly member to have a seizure. When I questioned him about his disturbing behaviour he said he could not, in fact perform "The Dance of the Flaming Arseholes" because he is not allowed to play with matches. (4). At the Village Fete, he spent his pocket money at a T-Shirt stall, and was seen to be wearing a T-Shirt with the logo *MSGSMILEY IS A TWAT* emblazoned across the front. I do not think that this is the latest pop group. (5). He often wakes myself and my good lady wife up at 6:00 am shouting "Hands off Cocks, and on with socks!". He then runs away and takes his younger sister Griselda out on to the Vicarage patio where he makes her run around it with her pogo-stick held above her head, stating to me that "She's doing Nines for breaking my train-set". (6). His tutor, Miss Dogsbody has informed me that he may be becoming dyslexic because he has been observed to write "cnut" "fcuk" and so forth on the walls of his classroom with wax crayons. (7). Finally, he has alarmed visiting Church dignitaries be greeting them with the words "Hello, my name is Tarquin - but my username is CheesyGusset" These are but a few of the changes we have observed in our dear boy, and having perused the *Rum National* thing, we feel that these mutations in Tarquins' psyche are a direct result of him stumbling upon your web site. A complete diary of Tarquins behavioural problems has been submitted to the Bishop. Tarquin is currently undergoing therapy - I shall be sending you the bill for his treatment. Yours Faithfully, Rev. Bertram Fortescue-Blitherington.