The Bristol Stool Chart

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Blackrat, Jul 1, 2013.

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  1. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    For those not in the know, it's this thing;

    What the fuckitty fuck does this all mean? The other day, i had a Type 7, which was like rusty tap water but today, i had a Type 3 which resembled King Kongs finger. I haven't a clue about any of this stuff, but i've passed all seven types within the last month.

    Come on everyone, what type are you?
  2. Type 6 for a few days, not been feeling too good. Now back to type 4.
  3. I know bristol is a shit hole but why does it have a poo chart named after it?
  4. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Because Birmingham didn't have the same ring to it.

    Did you see what i did there?
  5. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Mate of mine got confused and checked the Ikea stool chart. He claims he's been shitting these things;


    He must have an arse like a windsock.
    • Like Like x 2
  6. If there was any another reason for me to be put of sausages, it would be because 3 types of shit are described as being like sausages.
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2013
  7. Oi!


    born in Bristol

    Anyway, on topic, I don't think I've ever done a type 1 but am familiar with the remainder. Maybe it's the red wine, but I'm lucky with my shits - always nice and easy.
  8. tiddlyoggy

    tiddlyoggy War Hero Book Reviewer

    I once did a shit that was shaped like a microphone. I don't see that on the chart. I had been "bunged up" for a few days. The colossal effort to rid myself of this lump could have been one of Hercules' trials. When this projectile finally left my rectum, it shot out way faster than any missile shoot I've witnessed (no fucking WEO bought me a bottle of bubbly either). I know you keen RR readers are wondering how this story ends. Well of course, I left it sat in the pan and went and got my mess mates to come and see my achievement first hand with the narrow end still proudly protruding the surface rather like the iceberg that did for Titanic.
    • Like Like x 2
  9. I absolutely promise you this is a gen dit. A crab student pilot on my course went for his morning constitution. Let's just say he had more than your usual share of difficulty launching the blind mullet! He fired such a HUGE torpedo that he actually split his arse :grin: I have to give him his due; after a short while of keeping quite, he had to spill the beans because we were all wondering about his new 'style' of walking. Of course, we were hugely sympathetic but I can still picture the poor bugger hobbling to the line hut to sign out his jet and then having to wander half the airfield before he could finally sit down.
  10. Has the above yarn got anything to do with wrens being called split-arses?
  11. I don't know but he's Scottish if that helps. Maybe it morphed from 'tight arses' into 'split arses' :grin:
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Type 3 when I got up this morning.
    Type 4 10 minutes ago.

    Judging by the gurgling noises my guts are making I forecast a type 5 or 6 before too long :pottytrain5:
  13. wet_blobby

    wet_blobby War Hero Moderator

    In true military fashion it needs a type 14.

    That's the compo shit, it's a combination of type 1 and type 4 with a gentle lubrication of blood to ease it on it's way.
  14. I am getting the message that for many of you curling one down can be a harrowing experience but you will be pleased to know that the answer is a simple one. Take a good bowl of Scots Porage Oats every morning and you will soon find your pain has turned into pleasure and on completion you take a look in the porcelain and admire those perfectly formed and coloured beauties that exited your bottom with no discomfort whatsoever.

  15. Glasgow has a coma scale.
    • Like Like x 1
  16. AAF

    AAF War Hero

    No 4 with a keyway cut into it, remains of perianal abscess makes it's mark.
  17. Otherwise known as rentboy ring
  18. Why is there no depiction of a brick on the chart? I have shit one on more than one occasion.
  19. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Just take a look at your head.
  20. You rushed that one out lad without thinking it through, as I have been called a brick more than once to describe me as a person who is honest, dependable, reliable, generous etc. Ha ha He he Ho ho.

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