The Bristol Stool Chart


War Hero
Book Reviewer
For those not in the know, it's this thing;

What the fuckitty fuck does this all mean? The other day, i had a Type 7, which was like rusty tap water but today, i had a Type 3 which resembled King Kongs finger. I haven't a clue about any of this stuff, but i've passed all seven types within the last month.

Come on everyone, what type are you?


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Mate of mine got confused and checked the Ikea stool chart. He claims he's been shitting these things;

He must have an arse like a windsock.


Lantern Swinger
If there was any another reason for me to be put of sausages, it would be because 3 types of shit are described as being like sausages.
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I know bristol is a shit hole but why does it have a poo chart named after it?


born in Bristol

Anyway, on topic, I don't think I've ever done a type 1 but am familiar with the remainder. Maybe it's the red wine, but I'm lucky with my shits - always nice and easy.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
I once did a shit that was shaped like a microphone. I don't see that on the chart. I had been "bunged up" for a few days. The colossal effort to rid myself of this lump could have been one of Hercules' trials. When this projectile finally left my rectum, it shot out way faster than any missile shoot I've witnessed (no fucking WEO bought me a bottle of bubbly either). I know you keen RR readers are wondering how this story ends. Well of course, I left it sat in the pan and went and got my mess mates to come and see my achievement first hand with the narrow end still proudly protruding the surface rather like the iceberg that did for Titanic.
I absolutely promise you this is a gen dit. A crab student pilot on my course went for his morning constitution. Let's just say he had more than your usual share of difficulty launching the blind mullet! He fired such a HUGE torpedo that he actually split his arse :grin: I have to give him his due; after a short while of keeping quite, he had to spill the beans because we were all wondering about his new 'style' of walking. Of course, we were hugely sympathetic but I can still picture the poor bugger hobbling to the line hut to sign out his jet and then having to wander half the airfield before he could finally sit down.
Type 3 when I got up this morning.
Type 4 10 minutes ago.

Judging by the gurgling noises my guts are making I forecast a type 5 or 6 before too long :pottytrain5:


War Hero
In true military fashion it needs a type 14.

That's the compo shit, it's a combination of type 1 and type 4 with a gentle lubrication of blood to ease it on it's way.
I am getting the message that for many of you curling one down can be a harrowing experience but you will be pleased to know that the answer is a simple one. Take a good bowl of Scots Porage Oats every morning and you will soon find your pain has turned into pleasure and on completion you take a look in the porcelain and admire those perfectly formed and coloured beauties that exited your bottom with no discomfort whatsoever.

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