The Bloody Crabs

Sorry this is a bit of a rant. Why in god's name do we, as the Royal Navy, have to Rely on Crab Air to get anywhere?? I would like, on just one occasion, to be able to step onto a plane, deploy to a theatre of operations, maybe even have a couple of hot stewardesses on the flight without any grief, delay or hassle. Just one sodding time.

When will the government get it right and give us Heron flight back with a couple of Airbus or equivalent passenger planes? They at least could be relied upon to get you from A to B quickly and efficiently.

I hate the F@*king crabs.

Anyone got any good dits on the grief caused to them by the RAF?

 

They bombed my herd of goats, now my family will starve and I must sell my children for medical testing.

 

Why do we even need an RAF? I could easily put forward a credible case for their disbandment.

 

While this is not an RAF dit, I feel your pain.

Early 80s and the boat was in Singers. We had been away many months and this was a quick R+R stop before heading home. I was one of the fortunate few who were to fly home, clear leave and meet the boat on arrival in Sydney. All good. Until we discovered that instead of a comfortable 8 hr QANTAS flight we would be trusting ourselves to the tender mercies of Crab Air.

We duly mustered at the Singapore Air Force base (formerly known as RAF Seletar from memory), and made ready to board our flight. As our aircraft was to be a C130 we must have made an amusing sight dressed in overalls, jumpers and foul weather jackets in the sweltering tropical heat! At this point we discovered from an evilly grinning Air Movements Officer that instead of a direct flight home we would be taking the scenic route via Malaysia.

After a couple of cold and noisy hours we were deposited at RAAF Butterworth, about half way up the Malay peninsula opposite Penang.
This was to be an overnight stop so we were (eventually) allocated some vermin infested quarters in the transit lines that appeared to have last been used by the Imperial Japanese Army in 1945. Well, any port in a storm as they say, and we were cheered by the prospect of a quiet ale or two in town that night.

The following morning we mustered at the Air Movements Section, just as an exquisite tropical dawn was breaking. Too bad we were much too hung over to appreciate it. There, to our surprise, we were told that we were not able to get the flight that day. It seems a Mirage fighter had blown up its engine and getting it back for repair was a higher priority than a dozen smelly submariners. When can we get a flight we asked. 3, maybe 4 days we were told by the totally uninterested staff, but stand by to go at any time. The up side of all this was I got to go back to my bug ridden rack and sleep for the rest of the day!

Three days passed slowly, drinking, eating and sleeping, finally we got the word - tomorrow for sure. To celebrate we naturally went on the piss and at some stage I drank a large amount of water from a tap in an alley behind a bar. This was to have repercussions later!

We were keen to get way and glad to finally be on our way, even the thought of another overnight stop in Darwin hardly dented our mood. Then I felt the first rumbling in my guts. The Malaysian water was coming back to haunt me. Anyone who has travelled on a C130 will know of the tin surrounded by a curtain, perched up by the tail that passes for the heads. By the time we got to Darwin some 10-12 hours later I was intimately familiar with it and by arse and other bits were frozen from being bared for so long.

On arrival in Darwin, while the others went to the mess for yet more beer,I went to the sickbay and got some pills from a sympathetic scablifter. These helped somewhat but the final 6 hour leg to Sydney was still uncomfortable. At least my misfortune provided some ongoing amusement for my shipmates.

Arriving at RAAF Richmond on the outskirts of Sydney we were surprised to find out transport waiting for us. I held out long enough to get to my place, bolted up the stairs, pushed past the missus and just made the heads. My wife still talks about this homecoming.

I still blame the crabs for being the root cause of all this!

 

I have never, ever taken off at the time the Crabs propose. Last time I endured their 1st class service to Afghanistan it was a 32 hour delay going and an 14 hour delay coming back. At this very moment due to unserviceability and crew duty (Fcuking gayers) there is a 48 hour delay getting us to the USA.

You have no idea the level of hatred I have for these civvies in rig, all of them.

 

Crab air has always done the International routes as far as I remember. Heron flight was used for UK transfers and possible the odd flight to Norway or the like.

The Herons and Doves they used were never capable of long haul flights.

Did they ever get Wet Dreams after 92, (when I left), they may have been able to fly a tad farther!!!

 

yep Heron flight had Jetstreams but heron flight disbanded in September 2008. Jetstreams sent back to Culdrose. Not sure why?? probably money :roll:

 

Took nearly a week to get me home from Yuma Arizona. Told us we would be home on the 20th, got into Brize at 1400 on the 24th Dec. Jet-lag over Christmas.

 

Joined a VC10 flight with crab air from Brize to Singaore in 06. It took us 56 hours. Mind you that was because we had to stop at Cyprus for fuel, then an overnight stop in 5* hotel in Abu Dhabi, a stop at Sri Lanka for more fuel, another 5* overnight stop this time in Kuala Lumpur and then a short trip down to singers. All in all a very civilised trip. All paid for by crab air. After 5 weeks in singers it was time for them to fly us back but they had double booked the flight so we were given the option of flying back with BA, which we did. 13 hours after leaving singers we we landing at Heathrow. However, our cars were at Brize. So after a £180 taxi ride ( Paid for by MOD ) later we were at Brizeb.

 

Its not doom and gloom. Was on the way to a base in Nevada (Small place no name!!!!) and we overnighted in the Azores, then New Jersey then a quick stop in Nebraska. We we got back on the plane (Herc) we were told that our final destination was closed for the day so we will have to go into Vegas!!!! 5* luxury on the RAF credit card.

But they are still sideways walking, brillcream wearing civvy pricks in uniform.

 

Succinctly put old bean, I want to kill them all.

 

Travelling on a Tristar to Belize via Washington in 1991.
The bloke beside me (civvy contractor/mod) is minding his own business looking out of the window and is miles away. Crab Air Stewardess is offering a second helping of food (wasn't all that bad if you were hungry). He didn't hear her offering the extra scan as his mind is somewhere else at the time. I give him a prod so that he can take up the offer. Air Stewardess repeats herself for the third time.
Bloke. "Oh, I'm sorry," he said. "I was looking out the window."
Stewardess. "Were your ears looking out the window too."

Laugh !! I didn't know where to look.
:boogie:

 

Not all crabs.

We had a tame one at RAF Death Star. (Mount Pleasant Airfield).

He thought our Wasp was a Tri-Star and gave us victuals accordingly. If we tried to take off with the supplied scoff on board we would never have made it into the hover!!!!!

Think food - Think Crab :wink: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

RAF Brize Norton…

Need I say more? :evil:

 

[quote="Waspie]

Think food - Think Crab :wink: :lol: :lol: :lol:[/quote]


In my experience the best chefs/cooksin the sevices by far.

 

No personal experience on my own part but there's a quite entertaining pongo condemnation of the Movers here, if you've some time. (Talk about biting... 8O )

 

In my experience the best chefs/cooksin the sevices by far.[/quote]

They bloody should be as well. No field kitchens or moving decks in the land of crabs.

 

Spent 10 days stuck in Souda bay trying to get back to Cottesmore after fixing one of our down bird harriers on its way back to uk.

The tanker we were due to get went us every day we tried to board it!

Eventually the final straw was the nose wheel steering broke and they had to defuel the jet it was carrying 92 tons of fuel and can only be jacked with 32 tons or less!

Pilots spoke to all the local flying schools asking if they wanted free fuel 62 tons of it, but no one could defuel that quantity, in the end the RAF approached the british embassy and had to carry out a 10 hour high powered ground run at the end of the runway to burn of the fuel.

Luckily our jengo (DAEO) got his GPC out and flew us back into the uk on Athens Air, got back into Uk on 23rd december 2006 the 5th last flight to land at LHR before they closed the runways due to the horrendous fog!

Bought a Nintendo Wii on the day of its european launch out of the daily subs the crabs provided us with so it wasnt all bad

 

In My day[here the old bastard goes again] R.A.F, types were known as"Erks" When did it cahnge to crabs?

 

They bloody should be as well. No field kitchens or moving decks in the land of crabs.[/quote]

In fact, the last joint exercise (Joint Venture 05 at South Cerney) I did in the RNR was catered by the crabs using a field kitchen.... and yes, the food was excellent in terms of choice, quality and quantity.