The Birthday run ashore

[stan_the_man]

1979 4JStbd mess HMS BRISTOL and the boys decide to go on an epic birthday thrash as ever Stans up for it and we hit the Home Club at 1630. Me living with the 1st Mrs S in a flat in Fratton (shithole shit footie club) so I tell her I'm working late, plan was to be home by kicking out time.
Fcuk it thinks stan bravely at 2230 as he remains with the lads and its into Jo Spanners great night at 0100 absolutely wankered I decide soberly that it was in my best interest to get the fcuk home cos she was a real hard bastard when wound up.

So I go outside and its fcuking pissing cats and dogs no taxis outside a usual but I spot one outside the big eats shop down the road so like the drunken cnut that I am I pull my coat over my head and run towards the taxi. Although I'm no olympic sprinter I was fast approaching ramming speed - when thats just what I did - rammed a fcuking litter bin just above my knees and in I fcuking went face first.

As I slowly came too a few minutes latter I awoke to the sound of hysterical laughter - two fcuking coppers had watched me do it and were attempting to pry me out. My face had gone straight down the wire basket inside and split my top lip apart right down the middle cleft lip style.
Of to QE in Cosham by the time I got stitched up it was 0330 and off I went home in a taxi .Mrs S didn't wake up at 0630 as I got up to get back onboard and obviously not wanting to wake the Queen Boadacia I quickly exited.
Got some stange looks from the QM and BM and went down the grot for a cuppa every twat in the mess square was staring at me and I heard one say fcuk me the new guys an ugly cnut, fcukers thought I'd just joined my face was all fcuking swollen and my mouth was similar in shape to Plug out of the Beano comic.
Got home later that day and true to her nature got another kicking off the she-dragon.

Any other similar experiences guys???

 

[WreckerL]

Did the same on a run ashore and came back late (0130ish,said I'd be home by 2300).

Only been married for a few months so thought I'd quietly slip in the front door and tippy toe to bed. Unfortunately wankered jack is as quiet as an elephant tap dancing on the wardroom crockery and I must have made a bit of a racket getting the front door key in as the lock kept moving around (we've all been there!!).

Finally success and stuck my head round the door which caused instant blindness and total agony. Mrs Wrecks had heard my attempts to stop the lock from moving and assumed I was a burgler and sprayed hair spray straight in my eyes as I stuck my head round.

She was all apologetic (We'd just got married remember) and said she thought I was a robber,

With streaming eyes which were now glued shut all I could yell was "With a fcuking front door key?".

The honeymoon period didn't last long as they say.