Navy Net - Royal Navy Community

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

The 2014 Commonwealth Games (funny)

Funny one for you.........


As you know, Glasgow has won its bid to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014.

What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event are to be especially altered for 2014. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.


OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Ferguslie Park, in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.


THE EVENTS

In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.


100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in Each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.


110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, Walls etc)


HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.


FENCING

This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside Kebab shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumpchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be the one who can leave A & E first.


SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.


BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. Gloves will not be worn, though wives will be able to use Saucepans.


CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.


CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a member of the Scotland rugby team, who will witness the theft.


MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, under-age drinking and arson.


SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised .


THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.


MEN'S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...


THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water canon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans.


The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
KLNA-Cessna-Jockey Glasgow to get 2014 Commonwealth Games Current Affairs 21
MoD_RSS News story: MAA External Audit Panel report 2014 (MEAP 14) MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Statement to Parliament: Afghanistan Monthly Progress Report for November - December 2014 MoD News 0
MoD_RSS News story: Sir John Homes independent medal review 2014 update MoD News 1
MoD_RSS Speech: Annual Chief of the Defence Staff’s Royal United Services Institute Lecture 2014 MoD News 0
MoD_RSS News story: Christmas 2014: PM's message for the Falkland Islands MoD News 0
Naval_Families_Federation NFF e-update: December 2014/January 2015 Current Affairs 0
Ageing_Gracefully THE 2014 GRAND ANNUAL CHRISTMAS DRAW Competitions 28
MoD_RSS News story: Military Heroes Honoured at the 2014 Millies MoD News 1
MoD_RSS News story: CDE webinar: how to submit an effective proposal December 2014 MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Press release: Press briefing: morning 8 December 2014 MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Statement to Parliament: Afghanistan Monthly Progress Report for October 2014 MoD News 0
Naval_Families_Federation NFF e-update November/December 2014 Current Affairs 0
Bad CO Taranto Night 2014 The Fleet Air Arm 3
S PRNC December 1st 2014. Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 41
K Interview on 09/12/2014 Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 12
Naval_Families_Federation Naval Families Federation e-update: October 2014 Current Affairs 0
Chris_1805 Crowborough 2014 Royal Naval Reserve (RNR) 1
Naval_Families_Federation NFF e-update: September 2014 Current Affairs 0
DemobJob CivvyJobs - View our latest job alert - 19 Sept 2014 The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
77DEEPS77 Anyone Passed their interview for the 2014 intake yet? RFA 157
D Beaujolly 2014 Charity 0
Naval_Families_Federation Naval Families Federation e-update: August 2014 Current Affairs 0
M Joining Date 2nd November 2014 Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 10
Topstop HMS/M SCEPTRE Reunion. 29th Aug. 2014 Social & Reunions 0
Ninja_Stoker Changes to BRNC training from 14th Sept 2014 Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 13
D World Naval Review 2014 The Book Club 0
S CR2 Course August 2014 RFA 1
BFRS BFRS Catterick Careers Event - 4th September 2014 The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 5
Naval_Families_Federation NFF e-update: July 2014 Current Affairs 0
Naval_Families_Federation NFF e-update: June 2014 Current Affairs 0
sgtpepperband Website of Interest: "Portsmouth Commemorates 2014" History 0
Naval_Families_Federation Naval Families Federation: May 2014 e-update The Quarterdeck 0
BFRS BFRS Career Event - Oxford, 26th June 2014 The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 5
S Armed Forces Day Rushden 21st June 2014 Current Affairs 1
soleil BBC World Service - Witness - May 2nd 2014 - The Sinking Of The Belgrano History 1
1 BRNC May 2014 entry? (observe PERSEC!) Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 8
Naval_Families_Federation Naval Families Federation: April 2014 e-update Current Affairs 0
soleil Gallipoli Day 25th April 2014 International 1
soleil HMS Flying Fox - Channel 5 - Monday, April 14th 2014 - Gadget Show - 19:00 Royal Naval Reserve (RNR) 5
O AIB 5th - 7th May 2014 Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 5
alexissonice HMS Collingwood Official Summer Leave Dates 2014 Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 9
soleil BBC1: Antiques Roadshow World War 1 Special - Sunday, 6th April 2014 - 20:00 History 7
janner Diesel Boat Reunion 2014 Submariners 6
BFRS BFRS Career Event - Aldershot, 1st May 2014 The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 4
soleil BBC 1: 'Marine A - Criminal Or Casualty Of War' - 22:25 - Wednesday, April 9th 2014 MoD News 20
soleil ITV - Ade At Sea - Thursday, 27th March 2014 - 21:30 History 2
soleil Commando Aviation Heritage Dinner In Aid Of The FNHT - 23rd June 2014 The Fleet Air Arm 0
soleil Operational Honours and Awards List: 21 March 2014 MoD News 7
soleil The Naval Engineer, Spring 2014 The Fleet 6
Similar threads


















































Top