Swearing at Work


War Hero
Dear Staff

It has been brought to the Managing Director's attention that some ex-servicemen throughout the organisation have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their civilian work colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may have been easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 new and innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.Try Saying: "I think you could do with more training."
Instead Of: "You don't have a ******* clue do you Lofty ?"

2.Try Saying: "She's an aggressive go-getter."
Instead Of: "She's a ******* power-crazy bitch."

3.Try Saying: "Perhaps I can work late."
Instead Of: "And when the **** do you expect me to do this ?"

4.Try Saying: "I'm certain that isn't feasible."
Instead Of: "**** off you ******** !"

5.Try Saying: "Really ?"
Instead Of: "Well, **** me sideways with a telegraph pole !"

6.Try Saying: "Perhaps you should check with............"
Instead Of: "Tell someone who actually gives a **** !"

7.Try Saying: "I wasn't involved in the project."
Instead Of: "Not my ******* problem shippers !"

8.Try Saying: "That's interesting."
Instead Of: "What the ****."

9.Try Saying: "I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale."
Instead Of: "No ******* chance mate !"

10.Try Saying: "It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in."
Instead Of: "Why the **** didn't you tell me that yesterday you knob jockey ?"

11.Try Saying: "He's not familiar with the issues."
Instead Of: "He's got his head up his ******* arse !"

12.Try Saying: "Excuse me, Sir."
Instead Of: "Oi, **** face !"

13.Try Saying: "Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway."
Instead Of: "Yeah, who needs ******* holidays anyway


War Hero
Please not the swearing policy before you read the new time off & remuneration rules

Under new management we no longer support the left wing pinko fagot brigade; we expect you to work for your money, remember there are plenty of unemployed people to fill your place.

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

All employees will take their holidays at the same time every year. The holiday days are as follows: Jan. 1, Dec. 25 & Easter Sunday (which is also one of your personal days)

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

Entirely too much time is being spent in the Toilet. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing £350 Prada sneakers and carrying a £600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management