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SUBMARINERS TALES!!!!

Another Ginge Battersby dit Ginge sat on the panel again. Sitting like he always did with his back to the panel watching the world going by. It was supper time and the mess cookie boys were ferrying scran to the SR mess and Fwd mess 6 or 7 plates seperated by the usual aluminium plate separators top plate was fair game in a darkened Control room to Ginge with the stealth of a pouncing fox Ginge would 'snurgle' snorkers chips gravy anything he could get his grease ridden hands around. I always managed never to bag the first plate of scran that came in the mess when Ginge was on the panel cos I knew there be sod all on it!!
 
Tall scouse cook, small scouse PO cook+ L cook and large quantities of alcohol and deep fat frier.

As the evening went on the two scousers start to argue and the tall one tries to put the little ones head in the deep fat frier. The LC is laughing thinking its all a joke and by the time its broken up the PO has a burnt hand. Thing quieten down and they all get turned in (not together).

In the morning the tall one is given a shake early to make breakfast.He asks the lower deck trot what time the little one wants a shake and says he`ll do it.

At the appropriate time the shake is given with a rolling pin and "WAKE UP YOU LITTLE SH1T"

Result 1 broken arm, 2 disratings and a 28days

Ouch!! :dwarf:
 
Now this is a true story that happened on an RAN Boat at Christmas. I know its true cos BUngy Williams, Chief Stoker RAN told me so.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the boat
We were snortin' both sides with nothing to note,
When all of a sudden we heard such a clatter
The captain yelled out, "What the 'eff is the matter?"
The air went all fuzzy and my head imploded
Me eyeballs on me cheeks nigh on exploded,
The Chief Tiff said,"Hell !!" or something of the sort,
"I think something's stuck in our 'effin' snort !!"
We surfaced to see - amid ribald banter
The Chief Tiff yelled out, "Shit - it's 'effin' Santa !!
How he got past the float valve has me quite stuffed,
And look - there's me present - I'm bloodywell chuffed !!"
The Chief Stoker said, "Without a doubt,
In skimmers we'd soot blow the old bastard out;
Right up the funnel and into in air
But how d'you get the old sod outa there ?"
A block 'n' tackle was suggested - but they said that thought stank,
So they decided to dive 'n' flush him into the snort tank.
That worked a treat and lookin' like a drowned rat
Santa peered through the mesh and he fairly spat:
"Yer all bloody no hopers, yer all reprobates,
Yer all right royal bastards - you an' yer dieso smellin' mates;
Yer haven't a chimney so I came down yer mast
I'm tellin' you bastards - this is yer 'effin' last.
I left youse yer present suitable for yer escapades"
And there on the wardroom table - a box of green grenades.
So that's the story of Santa visiting our boat at sea at depth,
I hope the bugger comes again - but I won't be holding me breath.



Stolen from "Up Periscope" RAN Submarine site.

Nutty
 
The tall scouse cook didn't happen to have ginger hair by any chance Topstop........if he did.......I wonder if Whacker's body is mended yet?
 
SELJUK said:
The tall scouse cook didn't happen to have ginger hair by any chance Topstop........if he did.......I wonder if Whacker's body is mended yet?

Larby is bigger than frogs, larmas are bigger than larby!
 
The tall ginge cook used to carry a meat cleaver and if he court you pinching chips form the counter the 1st time he smacked you broad side ,the 2nd time back edge no one tried it a 3rd time!
The door on the fuse pannel opposite the galley had a lot of chips, marks and divets from when he was bored. His locker was toppers with vodka!
 
some of you oldies will remember this tail from the old Tclass boat in the 60's. baby chef was turned to in the galley making soup and sanny's for nine o'clockers when the skipper decided to snort.The lads closed up and the boat was duly brought up to .PD. the skipper mounted the scope and was having an all round look at what was on the roof,the baby chef was working in white light in the galley and on leaving to go to the for'd mess with the fanny of hot soup put the light off opened the curtain which hung over the top half of the galley door and set off carefully feeling his way for'd,blind as a fcukin bat of course.the skipper was swinging round on the periscope still and chef got a hefty thump as the old man turned round,the soup went tits up over the skippers feet which prompted the said captain to yell the infamous"**** you mind my feet" the planesman in the ensuing chaos shouted to the forends to flood Q and then put twenty degrees of dive on to get to 90 ft. in response to the old mans rather sharp command. The resulting fiasco could have had dire consequences as the said boat ended up at 250ft with the snort mast well full of wet stuff overflowing into the control room.A few wet knicks later the exercise was resumed successfully and everyone lived to tell the tale.(deep diving test pressure on the old T class had been reduced to 200 feet by the 60's)
 
Tales of not so long ago.

`63/64 Artful on exercise somewhere west of Ireland down below silent and listening, as we did.
An unfamiliar screw pitch crosses our bow we shoot a water shot at it from our bow tubes.
"It " went deep, silent very quickly, you sonar types analysed the tape and concluded Ivan was up to his sneaky ways,he did not know we were there.
Come forward to around `96/97, I was Export sales hosting a Ukrainian delegation,as is the custom drinks flowed stories /tales told,one of my collegues just happened to mention my days in Boats,one of the Ukrainian`s said his brother had served in Ivans Boats,. I told this story,
as true as my a**e points south, his brother recounts this story from his angle, he is now a quantity survyer,unfortunatly I`ve lost touch since I retired
O happy days never forgotten, no regrets.
 
Oberons_Knob said:
Too late, already published. The book is out next month entitled Why Should Britain Tremble? - A Submariner's Tale

Published by publish america and for sale already on Amazon co.uk and tesco.com :p :)

Price is higher than I wanted but I don't have a say. :cry:

Book looks like this Book Cover Imageand is the culmination of three years writing and 4 years trying to get it puiblished at somebody elses expense. :D

Just to drag up an old thread...

I came accross this and thought i would buy the book for a nosey, it is brilliant. I would recommend it to anyone :) .

Hopefelly i will have some stories to tell one day.

James
 
Norfolk,Va. 1972, CONQUEROR has just arrived and is about to give it welly. Unfortunately, Hurricane Whatever has followed us in and begins to blow up a good 'un. Skipper decides it would be a good idea to put out extra lines, so duty watch assembles and starts putting loads of lines across, watched by the USN from the safety of the jetty.
With waves washing over the after casing, all have dog leads on, but the Scratcher, Ginge P somehow manages to get himself overboard and bouncing up and down the side, much to the amusement of the assembled hands, who are nearly as wet under their foulies as they are on top of it. Unamused skipper turns to OOD, "Ok Mike (Boyce), we've had our fun, let's get the job finished." Quick as a flash, Boyce yells "When you've finished fecking around, Second Coxswain, could you come back inboard and give us a hand to finish getting these lines rigged ? It's rather wet up here."
The Yanks nearly added to the number of swimmers, they were laughing that much too. Large tots of wardroom brandy all round.
 
Why Should Britain Tremble - A Submariner's Tale

Some of you advised me to write a book using the dits I attached to here. The book has been out for a few years now but I think the US publishers are charging far too much so, I've published it on Kindle now and it's under a fiver.
Just go to Amazon.co.uk and search for Chas Cooke. Two books wilol come up as a result, one prointed copy and one Kindle edition.
If you do buy it then I hope you enjoy it for what it is, a comic tribute to the crews with which I served.

Cheers - Oberon's_Knob (alias Chas)
 
We’re running on the top and its as rough as a bears, its, get in the tower shut lower lid open upper lid etc, the elephants foot isn’t rigged so when the lower lid is opened water is dripping down into the control room, the oow watch seeing this tells one of the control room watch keepers to stand under the lid with a bucket and catch the water, the bloke coming down gets in the tower but before he can shut the lid a goffer fills the tower and slams the lid, the bloke in the tower manages to heave the lower lid open and a couple of thousand gallons of oggin land on the bod below holding out his one gallon bucket, stood like a drowned rat he throws the bucket across the CR and stomps off cursing and swearing, then its everybody up before the water gets to the battery.
 

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