Stupid Remarks


Lantern Swinger
Seljuk had this on the bottom of his post:The submarine is at sixty feet....'report the state of the conning tower upper lid'.........'IT'S STILL THERE'....heard many moons ago in the control room on Swiftsure at diving stations, It reminded me of a certain sparks who was on the helm of an O boat when the oow piped down the voice pipe"Who is the thick sh*t on the end of the voice pipe? the sparks quickly retorted "Which end sir?" end of conversation! So guys any more remarks out there :thumright:
Same story but in a different place. Its one of my Sods Opera monologues.

A Clash of Cultures

It’s the early 60’s when one of Her Majesties sleek black messengers of death enters Portsmouth dockyard for dry-docking. ‘Deeps’, the Tanky, an able assistant to the Coxswain and oppo of the Leading Chef is instructed to run an errand to Victory Barracks by the No1.

Resplendent in his battery acid honed No.8ts. trousers, salt encrusted steaming boots, off grey submarine roll neck sweater and nicely yellowed cap with bow strategically placed over his left eye, our hero enters Barracks. He strolls across the parade ground contemplating lighting up a DF when the strangulated cry of a “That creature there†rents the peace.

A Chief Gunnery Instructor, testicles tightly bound with black masking tape to obtain that required pitch, stands quivering on his mirror like boots with inch thick soles and 200 polished hobnails. Deeps thinks, ‘not me I am only a visitor’ and ambles on.

The Chief of the Parade, who, as we all know never runs any where, walks at great speed, pace stick clenched firmly between the cheeks of his ar-s, no under his arm really. When he gets in front of our hero he places the tip of his pace stick on Deeps chest to prevent any escape and eyes him up and down. Deeps, having suffered the wrath of various Submarine Chief Stokers, is totally unfazed by this apparition and awaits the next move.

Chief of the Parade, “There is a bit of sh-t on the end of my stickâ€

Deeps, “Not at my end Chiefâ€

P.S. CLANG, “Mind your fingers Jacâ€



Lantern Swinger
Matelot bimbling across Horse Guards Parade and he comes across a Guards officer but fails to salute.

Guards officer: Don't you salute Army officers in the Navy?

Matelot: We haven't got any Army officers in the Navy!!!


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Not so much a remark, but...

LHOM reports to the Reg Office that there may be a thief in his mess, after one of his lads had £100 nicked out of his locker. The LHOM asks for permission to hold a mess meeting and offer an amnesty to the villain to return the money or face the consequences. Reg staff tell him that it is okay to go ahead with the meeting, and report the outcome in due course.

A few hours later the LHOM reports to the Reg Office. "So did you sort out the theift issue?" he is asked. "Yes," he replies. "I said that the offender should return the money to the victim by 1200, or leave it anonymously in an envelope under my pillow".

"So what happened?" he is asked.

"Well Joss, I found an envelope under my pillow. However it only had £40 in it. And a post-dated cheque for £60 with a note, saying: "Sorry - spent the cash already. Please can you cash this in on Pay Day"...


"AB xxxxx, report to the Regulating Office!" :evil:


War Hero
Covered walk way at MPA Falklands, three of the Navy's finest walking towards the Bar.

Pongo officer approaches and true to Naval Tradition "No Saluting indoors" our hero's nod as they pass each other. Pongo comes to a halt, and enquires..." Don't you Navy Types complement an Officer when passing"..."Sorry Sir Nice trousers", and wend their way to the Bar..

Officer Stunned FARTLESS,

Suppose you had to be there really


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Duty Crew, Provost van, Guildhall Walk, typical Saturday night.

Bored with the same old comedians [sic] behaving in the usual, predictable way. One idiot approaches my side of the van and indicates that he wants to talk to me. Thinking that he wants to report some maritime crime, I wind down the window.

"Can you give me a lift, mate?"

"Yes of course, shippers - you look great; the world's your oyster. Go for it, numbnuts!"

Up window; roll eyes; drive off... leaving confused drunken matelot standing on the pavement! :thumright:
Drunken Matelot returned to HMNB Nelson after a "disturbance" in the 1980s by shore patrol, during questioning he's asked for his name, "Ken" he replies. "Ken what" asks LREG, "Kentucky Fried Chicken" replies said Matelot..........needless to say his wrist was severely slapped for that one.


War Hero
One dark night in the Control Room... a report from the Radar Office...

"CEP, Warner,no rackets all bands!" - "Warner , CEP, the boat is at 180 feet and has been for half an hour. Now that you are awake, report to the OOW!"


Lantern Swinger
Control room sweeper to Jimmy,'Ive cleaned out behind the TGCU2 Sir'
Jimmy, 'Whats it like'. Jack, ' Big grey thing with loads of dials Sir'


War Hero
Douggie on search at PD having a quick skeg and a very posh voice asks....'Ah REM...what do you estimate the range of visiblity to be'......Douggie quick as a flash...'ninety three million miles sir...I can see the sun'........'ah yes....I asked for that, very droll REM, very droll'.
Tee hee's all round in the control room!
Rather stupid Navigator OOW on D/E boat off West of Scotland.

"Captain Bridge find a trawler and we will try get some fresh fish"
"Aye Aye Sir"
"Make sure its not a Russian"
"Yes sir"

Calls up 1st trawler and request Captain to Bridge against the advice of Lookout and POOW.

Captain on Bridge "You idiot Mr xxxxx its Russian"

Ten minutes later change the watch and new helsman reports to the bridge. Mr xxxxx still has 30 minutes before he is relieved

OOW "Helm what is for Supper"
Helm "Red herrings Sir"

Stunned silence from Bridge.



Lantern Swinger
Down in the range butts on a rainy day...

Sgt replies - 'A DRY tosser, sir!'


A rather slow rating on my first ship was called Arkle because of his teeth.
One day he was making his slow, sloth way to dinner when he was overtaken by 2 dabbers having a heated debate, Arkle finally makes it to the dinner Q where the 2 dabbers are still arguing the toss.......
one exclaims ''Iv'e bin in more NAFFI Q's '' Arkle ''Nutty Fiend ''.
stirling said:
A rather slow rating on my first ship was called Arkle because of his teeth.
One day he was making his slow, sloth way to dinner when he was overtaken by 2 dabbers having a heated debate, Arkle finally makes it to the dinner Q where the 2 dabbers are still arguing the toss.......
one exclaims ''Iv'e bin in more NAFFI Q's '' Arkle ''Nutty Fiend ''.
I've a feeling that may have lost something in translation.


War Hero
Tom a greenie and my mucker on Troubridge early 1963, was sauntering across the parade ground in Vickie barracks when this high pitched yell smacks him in the back of th neck.
"You lad pick up the double on MY parade ground"
Tom, unphased, plunges his hands deeper into his pockets and carries on sauntering. The voice from yonder GI goes up two octaves. "You lad can you hear me?"
Tom still unphased continues by this time he is almost abreast Troubridges crews mess and again chooses to ignore yon GI.
GI by now is about to explode and can think of nothing to say but can see the sparks of a greenies badge on Tom's Nos eights so he yells
"You lad are you electrical?"
Where by Tom turns to face a red faced GI and retorts.
No Chief I'm clockwork if you get close enough you'll here me tick.
Tom takes to his heals and disappears into double A mess.

Me and Tom went ashore one Sunday dinner time for a few wets in the RA. We came back into Vickie barracks at half two went into the QMs lobby to ask for our station cards.
Me - West Troubridge blue card card found killick reg heaves at me.
Tom, bless him, mutters ignorant git and says Garrod Troubridge pink card.
This killick reg searched for a god ten minutes for Toms card and finaly conceeds defeat "sorry mate can't find a pink card for Garrod are you sure its pink?"
Again Tom on step to the fore says you muppet look again its dark pink, oh says the killick reg and dissappears. After another couple of minutes the killick reg realises that he perhaps has been taken for a plonker and finds a blue card with Toms name on and returns saying that this is the only card he could find. " OK " says Tom, "I'll take it" and runs like lighting to our mess. Leaving the killick reg fuming.


War Hero
Captain on search looking aft, we're on the roof just prior to trimming down on fours. The CO......'Panel on my mark open and shut number four main vents...stand by...stand by....MARK.........f*ckin' shitehawks.....messenger....find the Scratcher and tell him five nil'!


Lantern Swinger
OOW: "Bosun's Mate, what's on the engine room telegraph?"
BM: "20 blue liners and a cup of kye, Sir."

"What's the film tonite?"
"Call Me Bwana"
"OK Bwana, what's the film tonite?"

"What's you name, lad?"
"Haven't got one , Sir."
"What do you mean, haven't got one?"
"Chief GI took it, Sir."


Oldie, but goodie!
M.A.A. to sundodger on parade ground - "Am I hurting you boy?"
Sundodger - "No Master"
M.A.A. "Well I should be - I'm standing on your hair!"
Sundodger "You can't be master - it's tucked into me socks!"


Lantern Swinger
Two ringer gone back to gens is OOW on frigate, Captain: 'OOW what is the time?' 'Four o'clock Sir'. Capt. 'Use Naval terminology'
OOW; Sorry Four o'clock me hearty'
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