'Stressed' fish get bill of rights!

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by beltfedwombat, Jul 1, 2007.

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  1. Sunday Times - 'Stressed' fish get bill of rights

    Honestly, you couldn't make this stuff up.....
    The subject article in today's Sunday Times reports that boffins at the Roslin Institute near Edinburgh have discovered that fish do indeed feel pain. One might ask, 'Why wouldn't they?' One might make the observation that the British public deserve a better service from their scientific community than another statement of the bleeding obvious! One might imagine Gordo's brand new Minister of State for clever clogs in white coats, reaching for his phone on Monday morning and demanding to know what the bloody hell they were smoking up there in the Roslin Institute. One would be wrong!

    The government response has been to order the drawing up of charter of rights for fish. This includes the inevitable New Labour list of guidelines, designed to enrich the lives of fish who find themselves working in an academic environment. In future, aquariums (or should that be aquaria?) should include cleverly designed tank furniture and features. A government spokesperson was heard to comment, 'You can't expect university fish to give of their best if they're immediate environment contains nothing more imaginative than water.'

    Not content with ensuring that some unsuspecting trout is going to get a 'makeover' from that bunch of prats on DIY SOS, the charter also stipulates that laboratories and universities should 'retire' fish at a reasonable age so that they can enjoy their old age. 'So where are they going to retire to? I ask myself. Spain's out for starters and thanks to Rick Stein their prospects of a happy old age in Cornwall wouldn't be much better! And anyway, what is a pensionable age for your average fish?

    Then it hit me, like a bolt from the briney blue. This was my once in a life-time, poke your dragon's den up your harris, billion dollar opportunity. I'd set up the country's first ever fish retirement home. Why, give me five years and I'll have one in every town and village in the land. The more I thought about it, the more I liked it. It would be the perfect client based, service industry. Clients with very modest day to day care requirements, never bitching about the food, wandering around Tescos dressed in their pyjamas, droning on about 'the good old days,' or arguing about which television channel they wanted to watch. Best of all, when they get to that age where they just can't be arsed to go to the toilet for a wee, nobody will even notice! And come the end, come the final reckoning ......

  2. What about equal rights for Potatoes!Rise up Spuds of the world!
  3. Sounds like a load of old codswallop lol
  4. It will only effect the small fry.
  5. Next there will be a five year study into whether trawler fishing is humane enough as a way to kill them.

  6. Nicely parodied; BZ.

    If, though, fish get the same protection as mammals, fishing for either sport or commercial food will be severely buggered. The anti hunt walahs, having got there own way, can have a go at the fishermen now.
  7. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Oi, you lot - stop being so shellfish! Salmon's have a laugh, surely?! :roll:
  8. Well, it's the right plaice for it.

    Semper Strenuissima
  9. Oh ffs stop carping on Sgt. :nemo: :thumright:

  10. Nothing wrong with bring an anti hunt wallah :w00t:

    Something wrong upstairs with anyone enjoying a hunt.




    Of course pheasant shooting is dangerous if you corner a cock pheasant thats why this fat slob shot the hen

  11. Isn't it just hell being at the top of the food chain.

    Seriously, though, how long before the Fisheries Protection task becomes Fish Protection. Arrest anyone who may cause harm to a pain feeling fish.
  12. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Well, it makes perfect sense, when you think about it in the COD light of day... :roll:
  13. About time to scale this thread down or fin-ish it before we all get hooked .

    :nemo: :nemo: :nemo:
  14. No way Hobbit, these are reel issues! :nemo:
  15. And Jesus went forth, and saw a great multitude, and was moved with compassion toward them, and he healed their sick. And when it was evening, his disciples came to him, saying, This is a desert place, and the crowd are Hank Marvin; send the multitude away, that they may go into the villages, and buy themselves some scran.

    But Jesus said unto them, They need not depart; give ye them to eat. And they said unto him, 'Are you having a laugh Boss? We have here but five loaves, and two fishes. Father Famine couldn't russtle up a 9 o'clockers with that!' Jesus sighed and said, 'Bring them hither to me.' And he commanded the multitude to take the weight off, and as they parked themselves on the grass he took the five loaves, and the two fishes, and looking up to heaven, he blessed, and brake, and gave the loaves to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude. And they did all scran up large and were toppers, except for one small group that stood to one side of the multitude and refused to eat of the heavenly bounty.

    And so it was that Jesus asked Peter what was their problem. And Peter said unto him, 'They have issues with the fish Boss.' 'Issues?' replied Jesus. 'They want to know what condition the fish were kept in, how they were caught, whether they suffered any pain by hook through the lip. Most importantly, they would like to know whether any smiley faced dolphins were injured during the fishing process.'

    Jesus thought for a moment and said, 'Say unto them that on the fifth day of creation my father in heaven let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven. And my Father created great whales, and every living creature that moveth upon the earth, and he blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply." Finally, my father created man and said unto him, "Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth over the earth.'

    Peter digesteth this for a moment and said unto Jesus, 'Or shall I just tell them to wind their necks in?' 'Close enough!' said Jesus.
  16. Brilliant, just brilliant!
  17. lol brilliant LD :thumright:

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