Stirling v Mivvy + Wife in Tesco's

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Stirling, Dec 23, 2009.

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  1. Late morning I go to Tesco for some Haslet for Crimbo brekky and a bottle of Theakstons XB to wash down the crimbo dinner.
    Time is not an issue so I am having a skeg at the latest LG 32'' plasma, mivvy +wife park up beside me so I take one pace forward to let them pass, they stay motionless so I take one pace back and carry on admiring the HD on the box....''Excuse me'' from wife ( sarcastic tone) so I take one pace forward and as they pass....'' I have moved once already for you''

    Mivvy sez as he is walking away ''No need to be like that mate''

    ''Free country, I will be like that''

    Mivvy spins round and racks up about a foot away from me giving me hard stare, me with passive face and speak in a tone only he and wifey can hear ''yes ?''

    ''Yer fcukin want some or wot''....bad language, already lost it

    '' I don't care''

    '' Yer fcukin nob ead y'al get it''.....insults, totaly lost it

    '' I don't care''

    Mivvy breaks off hard stare and the Ref, his wife says '' Leave it Steve 'e's a nob ead''

    They shuffle off, after a few paces she looks round and seeing me still looking at them with passive face mumbles some thing to 'Steve' and they piss off, TKO in 10 seconds he he.
  2. I was in tesco earlier when this poof of a man tried to be all hard. I just wanted to get past him and look at the tv's :evil: .
  3. Not had any meds since '02

    I like to keep eye contact as a passive face against the hard man stare wins every time, I think he was just trying to impress his munter and picked the wrong bloke.
  4. You must be one unfit bastard if it takes you so much effort to move one pace...

    I take it the spirit of Christmas is lost on you... :roll:
  5. I have said this before and I will say it again

    ''Assumption is the mother of all fcuk-ups''
  6. I have confrontations like this on a daily basis, but they usually end up in myself or someone else going to hospital or the police station.

  7. Yes but they would cart me off back to Cheadle Royal mate, I like my freedom :)
  8. Was it the Tesco down Tadcaster Road/Sim Balk lane?

    There are some proper d!ck heads in there at times. And why are you drinking XB? It's sh!t and that Tesco sells spitfire :thumright:
  9. One of my favourite pastimes in Tesco's when Sunray Domestic drags me a "depth-charging" have some shit product in yer trolley, I use Red Mountain coffeee, tastes like beaver shit mixed with mud and ear wax...when some ar5eole gets on yer tits...stalk them till they leave their trolly loafing then drop the shit product in their trolley....award yourself points for bizarre "depth-charges" my ultimate was a 14 lb frozen turkey into a pair of chavs trolley, saw them argueing in the car park afterwards...dunno if I had anything to do with it...

    I'm not asked by S(D) to tag along too often...but when I doi it really makes the trip enjoyable....
  10. Like yer style Spi, I will try that........maybe some ' female' products in ' Hey we are so cool dudes in cardigans'
  11. You should've trying cracking on with his misses
  12. You should have shoved the cnuts head through the nearest HDTV so that he could get a close up on the crispness of the screen, then smash a George Foreman Grill into his chav wife's windpipe
  13. Ah the noble art of depth charging. I find slipping a home pregnancy test kit or a packet of condoms into a young couple's trolley is always worth a few giggles. Or come to think of it an OAP couple's trolley, now that would be funny.

    Another good game is to go to the place where you weigh your own fruit and veg and it prints off a barcode. Put all your weight on the scales and get a mega pricey barcode, then stick it on a tin of beans and put it back on the shelf. Hours of fun ensue as someone argues with the checkout girl over why a tin of 12p value beans costs £13.
  14. Tim, try saying that in The Black Bull in Masham, it MAY be shit where you drink it, XB takes a lot of looking after.

    And yes it was Taddy Road.
  15. Muntersville mate.
  16. Another shopping story.
    I come out of Netto (yes I shop Posh 8O ) and three chavs sitting on wall.
    I push my trolley over the car park to Quick fit who have a car I left with them to track whilst in shop.
    I do not have to pay as its on my account, so I step inside shop by door to get the keys, trolley right outside door. Chav swoops like a shite hawk and grabs a large bottle of what he thinks is vodka, but is in fact some sort of vodka base pop thingy.
    Anyway he legs it, a quick fit fitter goes after him, and then (Thank you God) the cnut falls over. Yes right on the bottle which breaks. He's cut to fcuk, blood everywhere, and the fitter does no more than kicks him straight in the head. By the time I got over there I hadn't the heart to touch him, and the last we saw of him he's limping away in a blood soaked mess.
    Fcukin car was tracked a treat.
  17. And? It would've annoyed him even more. Maybe I just don't have that high level of standards as it raises my chances of success. If you lower your standards then you have more chance lol

    I would've battered the beef curtains
  18. Remember this...........


    Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
    Boyfriend along shopping.
    This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in

    Dear Mrs. Murray,

    While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco
    Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering
    Banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
    Husband stops his antics.
    Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by
    Our surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15 : Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
    people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
    2. July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
    5-minute intervals
    3. July 7 : Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
    Feminine products aisle.
    4. July 19 : Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
    Tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.... And watched what happened.
    5. August 14 : Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 6. September 15 : Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department
    And told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages
    And a Calor gas stove.
    7. September 23 : When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help
    Him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me
    8. October 4 : Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
    Mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
    9. November 10 : While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
    Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
    Antidepressants were.
    10. December 3 : Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
    The Mission Impossible' theme.
    11. December 6 : In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the 'MadonnaLook using different size funnels.
    12.. December 18 : Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,
    Yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
    13. December 21 : When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
    Assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices
    Again.' And; last, but not least:
    14. December 23 : Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
    While; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper
  19. I don't drink because it's shit :wink:

    Everything else where I used to work was in fine feckle though. Copper Dragon is a good pint if you ever get a chance to try it like.

    I had some great fun in Tesco when I was at college. We did a fair bit of "depth charging" with huge sacks of rice. Not as funny as it was then, but it was funny back then.
  20. She was BIG ,you would have needed some chalk. :D

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