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STC - Special Force!

Would be applicants to the pre-selection stages of this illustrious branch often express anxiety about their future promotion prospects. They need not worry, as this shining example from the STC's annals illustrates:

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Admiral Sir Albie Ffawked CDM STC RN who gained fame for his undercover operations throughout the treacherous swamps in the remotest regions of the Atlas mountains. As shown here in his dress uniform Sir Albie Ff'd was proud of displaying his pre-STC service as a senior rating.

For STC Ops he set forth disguised as a Berber camel rustler and was welcomed among that region's blood-thirsty tribesman as a jovial old coot. Tall and slim our Albie was rarely seen without his tattered trademark - a locally-tailored raincoat into to which he handstitched huge secret pockets for rescuing kidnapped Princesses. This soon became known as 'Albie's Berberry' yet even today many remain ignorant of the origins of what later became a Fleet-wide uniform issue for inclement weather and similar rescue operations.




Note by Editor: Pussers Oilskins have a similar STC backstory, more of which in a separate article later.
 
Survival training.

We were thrown off the back of a moving lorry at midnight in the middle of Dartmoor, dressed only in y-fronts three sizes too small with nothing more than a small sharpened stick, a Mars Bar, two safety matches and a yo-yo to utilise in our annual survival recertification. The aim was simple. Get back to base in less than nine days. "Base" was constantly changing and its location was always written on a survivors buttocks in indelible ink which meant we usually had to coerce a local to read our arses and tell us where it was....you want to try THAT sometime.
A dishevelled bloke pops up from behind a dry stone wall clad in nothing but a skin tight thong that's divided his nuts at an alarming angle who's yelling,
"Excuse me sir/madam, I mean you no harm, but can you have a quick look at my ring piece and tell me what it says on my arse cheeks please?"
I would try to read my own buttocks in streams and rivers, but I can tell you now - it 'ain't that easy.
Survival techniques and tales will be covered in fascinating detail in my forthcoming book which should be ready by this time next year.

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Survival training? No, not this. This is one of the STC married quarters just outside HMS PAINFUL perimeter fence.
You should've seen the ones that the Junior Ratings got.
 
RTU'd. Some STC Hall of Fails.

L/Sea Harry Redders. Failed Sniper School Phase 1 after missing all the targets with a LMG and completely annihilating the fifth Earl of Brecons private collection of endangered animal species during training on the Earls estate.

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CPO Jeremy Zoom. Did not complete first survival training course January 1980.
Chief Petty Officer Zoom was found living in a tree twenty five miles from his original drop off point by workers who were clearing an area near Exeter in preparation for the building of a new branch of IKEA in 2017.

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Naval Airman Mordecai Elias Jehoshaphat.
Disharged SNLR after refusing to acknowledge the existence of electricity and the internal combustion engine. It's believed he is now an instructor for the Amish Special Forces.

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The Beef brothers. Keith, Quentin, Roderick and Rocky Beef claimed that were transferring in from the RAF Regiment but it was discovered that they were actually a glam rock band called Golden Fudge Tunnel who performed hard rock versions of songs made famous by George Formby, Al Jolson and Gracie Fields. We don't do walts.

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LRO Steve Cheese. Claimed during his interview to be a karate black belt, Kung Fu master, Kendo instructor and Jujitsu expert having been brought up by Shao lin priests when his parents were killed in a plane crash. We arranged a short demo match with 108 year old Mee Kil Yu, the grandfather of one of our unarmed combat instructors just to check his credentials.

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Stopped the contest after 11 seconds and
sent LRO Cheese on a week's sick leave. He left the RN and now works in a flower shop in Croydon.

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Naval Airman Casper Rimbottom who thought it would be a great idea to get a tattoo before initial selection. Our gunnery instructor CPO Norman "Psycho" McMayhem however, did not and threw Casper over the bases perimeter fence complete with kitbag. It's thought that the patrol crocodiles had an early lunch.

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Gary Smegg (AB(1). His mother was constantly sending him Red Cross parcels filled with comics, bags of Haribo sweeties and locks of hair from his collection of pet Guinea pigs. We blew them all up on the parade ground using controlled explosions - the parcels that is because we never got hold of his Guinea pigs.
He eventually ran away and is now an Avon rep in Sunderland. We also don't bother with deserters. **** 'em.

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Gary Smegg (AB(1). His mother was constantly sending him Red Cross parcels filled with comics, bags of Haribo sweeties and locks of hair from his collection of pet Guinea pigs. We blew them all up on the parade ground using controlled explosions - the parcels that is because we never got hold of his Guinea pigs.
He eventually ran away and is now an Avon rep in Sunderland. We also don't bother with deserters. **** 'em.

View attachment 40764
Wot like the Wrens?
 
It happened during cold weather exercises in Canada. Whilst on a forced march near Medicine Hat, a distraught farmers daughter ran up to an STC patrol to ask for help in rescuing her three prize winning pedigree siamese cats when they all got stuck at the top of a tree. The three man team devised a plan to extract the cats and STC Gareth "Gravedigger" Green was chosen to lead the rescue mission.
One round from his underslung grenade launcher was all it took. We didn't know he suffered from ailurophobia at the time.

 
Accidents happen.

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Zippo Jamsarni, who came all the way from South Africa to realise his dream of being in the STC. He smashed all the training with ease but unfortunately was the victim of a fatal accident during a weekend exped.
A witness stated, "I heard him shout Wildebeest stampede!, just before he slithered rapidly out of the tent"
Not a good move to make, seeing as the tent was hanging off the side of the Matterhorn at the time.

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A brown trouser moment for a visiting
V. I. P.
The king of Transylvania tries his hand at grenade chucking whilst on an official visit to PAINFUL. Lucky for him, it was just a smoke job. We pissed ourselves laughing at the stupid twat and they broke off diplomatic relations with the UK for nigh on 25 years. No great loss. All they're famous for is ******* Dracula.
 
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An ill-considered remark was to have dire consequences for this 17 year old STC Probationer, shown here at the completion of his 12 week stamina trial.
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Medical examinations confirmed that he had plenty of grit yet his score of thirty nine for fortitude left the DS with no option other than his immediate RTU.
 

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