Spit on the Pitsa

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by hobbit, Jul 10, 2007.

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  1. No doubt many of us are aware of the danger involved if we upset the waiter or person serving take-away or anywhere where food is involved. I'll start the ball rolling with a pussers dit ' WW2 submariner doing POs messman was abused by a PO somewhat the worse for excessive rum . Turned up late for scran all been ditched but the PO demanded a meal . Knocker White the messman , a real cockney . not to be put off proceeded to the shit bin selected various items from the said bin , rinsed them placed them neatly on a plate after heating served to the PO eeverybody happy.

  2. One of the stories of the D/E's Submarine Service's most famous Stewards, Buck Wheat Harris goes as follows:

    When entering harbour many Captains like a cup of tea or coffee on the bridge, why, cos they can thats why. To achieve this evolution the coffee must be taken thru the control room tower to the bridge, a vertical tube about 9 foot in height with a steel ladder and large hatch top and bottom which are both open to allow fresh air, at about 30 mph, to be sucked into the boat by two diesel engines the size of a small lorry each. Most stewards place coffee in Tupperware tumbler and cup and saucer in other pocket climb to bridge pour into cup and pass the cup and saucer, why cup and saucer? cos he can he is the Captain.

    Buck Wheat use to appear on the bridge with full cup of coffee no spillages and no tupper wear tumbler. After about 10 months the Captain said,

    Capt. "How do you do that Harris climb up the tower with a 30 mph wind going down and never spill a drop?

    Harris, "Its easy sir, at the bottom I slurp most of it into my mouth to keep it hot and spit it back into the cup at the top?"

    Coffee was never served on the Bridge again.


    PS On many visits to Prisons at Plod, Trusty "Officer would you like a cup of Tea". Nutty "I don't think so"
  3. wow Nutty... my Dad always said he did that.... was never sure if i was pulling my leg or not...........
  4. Returning to Faslane coffee was served on the bridge as we passed Rothesay, but always in a thermos flask, and in the winter with some brandy in it to keep out the cold.
  5. On same thread - but maybe in urban myth section - anyone heard of the old 'turd in pastry' specially prepared by the chefs on sausage roll day, for a special customer?

    Have seen chefs having a cockroach eating contest on the Amazon...
    ...also putting dead cockies in the chilli-con, cos they look like kidney beans - honest!
  6. Another Pussers dit and somewhat rough . One Blood Reid , well blessed in the lower region , favourite trick to wave said member around the messdeck at tot-time . The lads a bit fed up with this downed Blood and jammed one of the tinned cherries where the sun don't shine . The mess settled down and after the duff had been consumed Blood said to the one who suppositerised the cherry , guess who just ate the cherry . Dunno if he really did but the thought is enough for a bag muster.
  7. On the smallest ship in the Navy the skipper used to like a cup of coffee (NATO standard) as we left harbour.
    As the RO, ships postman etc the duty fell to me; one I did happily as he was a really good bloke, salt of the earth type. Also, and to be honest I had sod all else to do in any case. Two skeds a day and collecting the mail - out of range of Guzz after two hours!
    However, we got a Mid on board for sea experience who was a gobby little shite and thought himself entitled to the same privilege.
    He got his coffee which was good and strong, contained four Senokot tablets ground up, plus had been wiped around the edge with the plonker of one of the blokes, the one who spent most of his time abusing himself, and who had very poor personal hygiene; he wasn't called Smegma Sam for nothing.
    We were headed for Alderney where we arrived 7 or 8 hours later.
    All of us not on duty headed for the pub; leaving the Mid still on the pump out heads wondering what had happened.
    Ah sweet revenge were art thou!
  8. Sussex wrote:
    "He got his coffee which was good and strong, contained four Senokot tablets ground up, plus had been wiped around the edge with the plonker of one of the blokes, the one who spent most of his time abusing himself, and who had very poor personal hygiene;"

    "one of the blokes", eh, Sussex??!!!
  9. Men, blokes, people, mates, crew ...
    It was too small to have much of a hieracy, even the skipper was called by his first name when we were at sea, and, far out of sight of the Grey Funnel Line.
  10. Up in Clockwork a couple of years ago, one of the REME logs guys pissed off the Chefs in some way. Saturaday night was steak night and as a treat, they used to marinade the steak in Paul Masson Red. They also used to drink most of the marinade, but thats a perk of the job. Anyway, the idiot corporal pitched up for his steak which was brought to his table. I always get an odd feeling when all the Chefs are leaning on the servery. I asked later what they'd done to Pongoes steak. Turns out that it had been marinaded like everybody elses. Trouble is, they'd used the Killick called Dave to "filter" the wine for his steak 1st. Theres a lesson in there somewhere.

  11. A classic example of SOTP and a warning about annoying anyone in control of your food . How many undetected cases of domestic poisoning I wonder . Food for thought
  12. I recall the dit of one SSBN officer who was intending to lose a few pounds during one patrol and bought loads of those weight-loss milkshake powders, which he'd diligently put into tupperware boxes. Night before the patrol, some wag replaced the powders with beta-blocker powders, the kind that weightlifters use. He couldn't figure out why at the end of the patrol he was many stone heavier, rather than a few lighter.
  13. Was a watchkeeper in the Planning Room on Fort George during Ex Battle Griffin in 96. Five or Six of us were sitting around chatting to the RM boats and 17 P&M Beach site when the female killick who was with with us as an augmentee offered to get the wets in. About 10 minutes later she turned up with a tray of mugs of coffee. I lifted mine to mouth and was gingerly about to try a sip to see how hot it was when she piped up "Go on Sir, I didn't flap it, honest!"

    The coffee had gone lukewarm by the time I'd finished laughing. What a star she was!
  14. Another Buck Wheat story.
    Apparently, he finished his time on one the A-Boats, based in Guzz. Before he left the boat, he was wined and dined by the wardroom. Before he staggered inboard, he said "You'll never forget me, I'm leaving a little bit of me behind, so's you'll remember me".
    Couple of days later, there is a really foul smell permeating the air. They sent him a telegram, saying "We know WHAT it is, but WHERE did you put it ?"
    He'd nailed a kipper to the underside of the wardroom table.............

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