Spin me your dits.....

#41
On the MTB's we went to Jersey,off I went on the lash and picked up a nice girl.Everyone including the Officers were ashore apart from spring watch[bloody high those tides!] so I brought her on board for the shag.
Mine was the top bunk and I managed to get her up there where I gave her the benefit of a Gunners throbbing gun barrel[derringer!],After a while the rest straggled back on board and I passed her over to each of them for them to bat on a sticky wicket.
I dozed off then found her in my bunk again but I never fancied her after those dirty Twats had been there so I shook the Watchkeeper and told him I had a shag for him.
He was so happy I left him to get stuck in,I came back shortly after to see him having the grass sandwich with her!
I shook the others and we watched him finish his meal then told him all eight had just reamed her porthole!
He promptly spewed up every where!Happy Days,this nice girl told me later 40 men had shagged her in the 6 weeks she had been in Jersey and I thought it was my pulling power!
 
#42
On the MTB's we went to Jersey,off I went on the lash and picked up a nice girl.Everyone including the Officers were ashore apart from spring watch[bloody high those tides!] so I brought her on board for the shag.
Mine was the top bunk and I managed to get her up there where I gave her the benefit of a Gunners throbbing gun barrel[derringer!],After a while the rest straggled back on board and I passed her over to each of them for them to bat on a sticky wicket.
I dozed off then found her in my bunk again but I never fancied her after those dirty Twats had been there so I shook the Watchkeeper and told him I had a shag for him.
He was so happy I left him to get stuck in,I came back shortly after to see him having the grass sandwich with her!
I shook the others and we watched him finish his meal then told him all eight had just reamed her porthole!
He promptly spewed up every where!Happy Days,this nice girl told me later 40 men had shagged her in the 6 weeks she had been in Jersey and I thought it was my pulling power!
I pulled a Pan-Am air hostess at Murharraq airport in Bahrain and took her to Jufair. I had just finished giving her the good news and some twat taps me on my arse and says something to me.
I turned and said "fuck off pervert" expecting my oppo to be there to tell me he was going to run me and miss America back to the airport.
Got a bit of a shock to find the OOD along with half the friggin ships company doing accommodation re-scrub rounds.
The RPO told me to take myself to the gate and wait for him, but I never quite made it.
A couple of years later in Tamar barracks in Honki Fid I was picked up by the dress patrol and had to go to the reg office. Yes he did know my face but couldn't quite place it but I bet if I had shown him my arse he would have cottoned on.
 
#50
Trapped a nice little blonde waitress in a bar in Portland during work up lived in her flat but she was always skint and I had to keep giving her money to put in the electric meter cos it was fcuking freezing without the lecky fire on. Had the weekend off Manchester was berthed on Q Pier so I went with the bint for a DTS, unfortunately while I was on the piss it starts blowing a real bastard outside so I think fcuk it I'm not going back to her flat cos its freezing I'll take her back to the POs mess for a few more beers.
We could hardly stand up with the wind blowing like fcuk so just as I get near the end of the pier were the ship was berthed I notice lots of people on the upperdeck fcuk me they were at harbour stations there had been a general recall and she was sailing to avoid the weather (I was PO of the Focsle by the way) because I was pissed I thought fcuk this I'm not going back onboard if the fecker is off to sea its Saturday for fcuks sake.
So we crept back down the jetty back to her gaff and I sneakily snuck back onboard when she came back alongside the next day.
I was shitting myself especially when my killick POS told me he'd seen me and the bint do a runner. How the fcuk I got away with that I don't know.
As an add on on the way back from Global 86 the following year we picked up mail off Cyprus fcuk me if there wasn't a maillie from her saying she was working in the Calleta Palace hotel in Gib was the ship anywhere near- ha fcuking ha Gib was our last stop after 10 months away and I got my first shag in Gib!!!
 
#51
It's been a while since the last instalment.

Where was I?

Oh yes BOST.

I recall little about BOST except for the fact that it was shit. Early starts, tons of cleaning and very few weekenders.

When tied up in Guz we did get the opportunity to go out on the smash and it was a nice change from Pompey. Invariably we'd end up in the Avondale or the Keyham, both of which had topless bar maids with questionable looks. After one drunken evening a half eaten kebab was left in one of the flats on 2 Deck. It got picked up on rounds by a FOSTY and by way of punishment the Jimmy banned the consumption of any big eats onboard.

For the next two weeks, every night all the takeaways in Plymouth would turn up on the gangway with an unwanted feast for the XO. I ordered him cheesy chips.

Eventually he cracked and allowed us to order big eats if we promised not to make a mess. Unfortunately by then, no one would deliver to HMS Exeter anymore because of all the gash orders.

Eventually we finished BOST, my favourite bit was the DISTEX were they have actors pretending to be disaster victims. I got spewed on by one who had dysentery (the spew was actually soup but it still makes me gag to think about it.)

We returned to Pompey for a cheeky bit of leave before setting off on an epic 9 month Far East trip.

My mum and sisters came down to see us off, it was a shitty day and it pissed with rain. As we sailed past round tower I could see them waving along with loads of other families. We waived back, it was pretty dusty in Pompey that day and I might have had something in my eye.

Within minutes of leaving Pompey, the powers that be decided to bang in a cheeky MOBEX, so we all had to get back on the upper deck and launch he seaboat.

The next 4 days were uneventful as we transited the bay of Biscay en route to Gib. When we arrived we had two days to give it large, getting smashed in the Donkeys Flip Flop and doing all the other shit one does in Gib, Monkey shoot, ;) Rock Race, tunnel tour, chicken on a fist etc.

A few days after that we hit Cyprus. I thought it was a bit of a dump, we'd arrived in the non touristy season which meant the place was pretty much deserted. I remember getting hammered in an Irish bar and developing an infatuation with one of the wren chefs onboard. I'd only ever seen her in her manky chefs whites before and had never really noticed her. The combo of a couple of weeks away from home and seeing her in a bikini on the beach, provided me with enough material to see out the entire deployment hunched over in the aft heads, spilling my seed in her honour. I never did trap her though.

We also went to a titty bar and got a shoeing from some Russian bouncers. I stole a BMX to get back to the ship.

Next stop Suez.
 
#52
It only took a few hours to get to the entrance to the canal, we were supposed to stop in Haifa but a last minute change to the program meant we were seen off for a run ashore.

We anchored off overnight and watched as the first of many drop outs was transferred off the ship by helo. One of the junior officers had lost the plot and was threatening to top himself, it was clear to all that he just wanted to go home and was being a drama queen.

Anyway good riddance.

The next morning the looky looky men in their gash boats came alongside to pedal their wares, some purchased woodies, I watched in hysterics as my oppo tried to buy one of the boat men's sons. We even had the little wretch on the quarterdeck while my mate looked at the kid's teeth and haggled with the bloke.

Needless to say we didn't buy an 11 year old Egyptian kid that day.

Instead I bought a Tommy Cooper fez of such epically shit quality it fell apart almost immediately.

After that it was straight into defence watches and we started transiting the canal with all guns crews closed up and upper deck sentries. We were on full alert and I was so bored I really hoped I'd get to shoot someone. It was also fucking sweltering and we were all wearing body armour.

At one point we passed a 23 coming the other way, clearly terrorists only attack stealy 42s because the lads on the 23 were not closed up and appeared to be having a flight deck BBQ.

Wanker signs and middle fingers were exchanged and that was that.

We passed a building that was shaped like an AK47 and I tried to get a few phots.

And that's about all I remember until we got to Chennai a few weeks later. I was a bridge watch keeper and I know the ship didn't deviate from the same track for about two weeks as we crossed the Indian Ocean really slowly. It was dull as fuck. I think we did hands to bathe but that may have come later.
 
#55
One incident that does stand out as we crossed the Indian Ocean.

Given the fact that we were literally thousands of miles away from any land or other ships, we were running a reduced watch system in the ops room, basically one lad on the surface radar.

They were training some sprog officers on the bridge at the time, so I was taken off the bridge team for a couple of days and lumped in with the ops room team. It was fucking gash, despite the reduced number of watches. I hated being in the ops room at the best of times, let alone by myself staring at an empty radar screen for four hours alone. Anyway, one night I drifted off on the plot and awoke to find the PWO tapping me on the shoulder.

I was prepared to take a trooping, but instead the cunt decided to close up the entire ops room for two days. That's right, everyone, air team, missile desk, the works. This really upped my standing with the lads, everyone was threaders and it was all my fault. Most people sympathised with me, I must've spunked a months wages on crates of beer by way of an apology. It was a pretty fucking harsh punishment for a quick five minute nap and I'm pretty sure it cost me any chance of getting my first hook on that ship.

Did I learn my lesson? Did I fuck, a few nights later we deviated South to cross the equator, so the sprogs could cross the line and get bummed by Neptune. The usual fun and games were had and one of the bears (the PWO) got a particularly rough shoeing down the dabber's mess for some reason, resulting in a black eye. Anyway, it was all fun and games. Unfortunately for me I had the middle on the bridge that night. So after pissing up all day, I got my head down for 45 mins before turning to on the bridge totally hammered.

As luck would have it, the Officer of the watch and QM were also pissed so we all just sat there in silence, not wishing to incriminate one another. At some point I must've drifted off, because the next thing I recall is waking up at the wheel and noticing I'd knocked the auto helm off. The ship was a good 20 degrees off course. In a panic I looked around and saw the OOW zonked out in the skipper's chair and the QM no where to be seen (he was racked out under the comma console).

The ship had literally been adrift for a good 20 mins or so with the entire bridge team asleep. Realising I'd got away with it, I slowly corrected our course before subtely waking up the OOW. He checked the chart and realised we may have taken a little detour, as he proceeded to bollock me, the QM appeared with the immortal line, "we were just doing some on watch training."

Nothing more was said.

A few days later we docked in Chennai.
 
#56
Chennai AKA Madras was a real eye opener, the place was mental, I'd never seen anything like it. I was nearly decapitated before we arrived, as we docked, the tug boat unexpectedly decided to go freestyle, snapping the stern line. It went with such epic force that the recoil put a dent in the bulkhead next to me and the remainder of the rope fused to the bollard through friction.

From the minute we docked to the minute we left, we had beggars and street children waiting next to the ship, ambushing any unsuspecting fucker going ashore. Out all gash was epic, you'd get to the bottom of the gangway and about 20 kids would rip the gash from your hands, tearing it to pieces. Everything would be gone, they had a use for any old shit. I watched in amazement as a malnourished teenage girl single handedly dragged away the fucked rope from earlier. It had taken 3 lads to ditch it.

Madras was brilliant, we raced tuk tuks, saw a dead dude in the dockyard, got naked in a 5 star hotel and ate the hottest and worst tasting curry ever. A couple of lads were involved in a pretty horrific tuk tuk crash which saw the driver lose some fingers, I'm surprised more people didn't have crashes to be honest, the roads were lethal and for a few ickies, the driver would let you steer while totally hammered. We had some proper James Bond car chases with people jumping between moving vehicles at full speed.

Eventually we all got horrid Delhi belly and grew tired of the place. Most of the ship spent the next two weeks shitting blood, I lost over a stone. I can wholeheartedly recommend that any fat cunt who wants to slim down, should spend a week in India.

In all we spent nearly two weeks there and I learnt a huge amount. The poverty was unbelievable, it was also a massive eye opener as to the psyche of the matelot, we really could be completely reckless cunts. At best our behaviour could be described as obnoxious, at worst bloody dangerous, I've never risked life and limb as much as I did racing tuk tuks around the streets of Madras.

Next stop Singapore and the first of many trips to the four floors of whores.
 
#58
Where did you get that idea? I'm scum, my wife is the posh one.
It's that fuckin spin doctor of yours Blackrat, he's trying to get you a knighthood and come to Buck palace with you, it's the only way he will ever get in.
He once tried guarding it but they rumbled him and took his catapult off him.
I really do think you should watch him as..............ang on that can go in the poem.:winkrazz:
 

silverfox

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#59
Next stop Singapore and the first of many trips to the four floors of whores.
My totally sweet and delightfully naive Filipino clerk has heard my lads description of that famed place, but hasn't quite got the English right.

She has told me that she can't wait to go to Sing to visit 'the four floors of horses..' I just don't have the heart.....bless
 
#60
My totally sweet and delightfully naive Filipino clerk has heard my lads description of that famed place, but hasn't quite got the English right.

She has told me that she can't wait to go to Sing to visit 'the four floors of horses..' I just don't have the heart.....bless
If she's divs show her.
 
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