Strategic Military Solutions

After many hours of brain-straining - I've finally come up with the solution to the Governments "Black Hole"
in the budget with regards to the British Military cash flow problem. Here's how to save millions and millions
of pounds. Anyone what knows The Secretary of State for Defences' e-mail address - forward this A.S.A.P.
I shall expect a Knighthood (or at the very least - an OBE) in the post before the end of the month.

(1). THE BRITISH ARMY. Scrap it all and replace it with Jason Statham. He gets about a couple of
million pounds per film these days, and even if you doubled THAT - the savings per head would be
ma-hoosive. Mister Statham is as hard as fu**ing nails and he'd soon sort out any stroppy bastard
who fancied a fight and he wouldn't even need a tank or heavy artillery or any of that stuff. He'd just
smash their faces in and they'd all f*ck off back home pretty sharpish.

(2). THE SBS. Give all of them a right big pay-off, except for, say a dozen of the most psychotic
(like in the film "The Dirty Dozen"). Keep them on hand and equip them with a speedboat and
one of them big inflatable yellow bananas that tourists try to sit on in the sea off the coast of
Benidorm. Now - when some fu*ker kicks off somewhere, just sneak in the speedboat and
the big inflatable banana with the Dirty Dozen sat on it and let them foreign troublemakers
think that it's just a bunch of Brit Tourists on the piss as usual. It'll be too late when they
storm the beach and give them all a fu**ing good twatting. This would save a fortune on all
that specialised equipment that the SBS keep banging on about.

(3). THE SAS. They've done a good job, but I think they'd like a suitcase full of cash each and
a villa in give them all a golden handshake and replace them with Millwall FC
supporters. You could send them anywhere in the world and they would sort out any dodgy,
nasty people what wanted a bit of a barny with us and they could "mop up" them what was
left after they'd been visited by Jason Statham. Millwall FC supporters don't have jobs, so they're
on call 24/7 almost, and what with the savings to be made if you refer to paragraph (6) - they
wouldn't even get their benefits cut, so they could still fly to away matches First Class.

(4). THE ROYAL NAVY. Bin it and replace it with just one big f*ck off ship that can be "transformed"
into an aircraft carrier/battleship/submarine/destroyer/minesweeper/shorebase/whatever and
park it in an ocean somewhere so that we can bomb/broadside/torpedo the living f*ck out of
anyone who gets above his/her station. (They made one in those *Transformer* films - so it's
not beyond the capabilities of British Aerospace or the bloke who invented the Dyson vacuum
cleaner is it?).

(5). THE ROYAL AIR FORCE. Scrap it ALL and split the contract between all the British based
low-cost airlines. Make all their aeroplanes carry at LEAST one big bomb each (as long as it
could fit in the overhead luggage stowage racks). This bomb could then be dropped out of the
plane by specially trained low-cost-no-frills airline cabin staff on to places that are stirring the
shit, using just a simple coded message from 10 Downing Street via VHF.

(6) BRITAINS NUCLEAR DETERRENT. Shift every nuclear rocket and missile from Scotland
or wherever the f*ck they are hiding to Bournemouth sea front. Bournemouth is populated by
fu**ing old people anyway so they'd never know the difference between a tactical thermonuclear
missile and a fu**ing lampost when they go for a stroll after tea. I doubt if Bournemouth is on
lets say...North Koreas shit list of strategic western nuclear attack targets, or anone elses for
that matter - so I guess you can say no fu**er would know that the sea front was full of atomic
death. In the event of a war, a British pre-emptive all-out thermonuclear strike could be arranged
to coincide with either (a). When a Z-list celebrity is hired to switch on Bournemouths Christmas
lights or (b). Missiles could be launched at the exact same time as when Bournemouth Town
Council start the New Years Eve fireworks display. Our enemies would be big steaming, bubbling
puddles of radiocative mince before any of the old people had finished the first verse of
"Auld Lang Syne". This covert move of missiles would also put paid to Faslane Peace Camp
once and for all and release enough money to keep the Millwall FC supporters in the benefits
that they all know and love.

(7). THE FALKLAND ISLANDS. We rent a load of builders and get them down there with some
really big power tools. They can saw the Falklands off the bottom of the ocean and we have them
towed back to England behind a right huge tugboat. The Falkland Islands would then be cemented
on to the Isle of Wight using loads of concrete and some big steel girders. THEN we use the
bigger version of the Isle of Wight as a home for Eastern European visitors and build loads of
affordable housing for them and move all the fu**ers over there. The SBS (on their days off)
could then patrol the waters between the I.O.W. and Southsea on their big yellow banana
and give anyone a clout if they fancied trying to swim for it.

Footnote: If Mister Statham needs to take leave or attend a film premier in Leicester Square at any
time - then I suggest we keep Ross Kemp on permanent standby as the British Army with Danny
Dyer sub-contracted to do all the biffing and kicking-in-of-heads until Jason can return to his duties.

Financial problems? Piece of piss to sort out if you ask me.

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