Some old some new

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by janner, Jul 25, 2011.

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  1. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

    I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

    The Dyslexic Atheist...did not believe there was a dog...

    After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
    That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

    My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

    Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

    Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…

    A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.

    The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

    Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month.

    Time to change supplier I think.

    2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white they gave me a 30 minute lecture on the benefits of brown bread.

    I think they were The Hovis Witnesses.

  2. Jonathan Ross has been accused
    of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
    Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take..
    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
    Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway.
    Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
    The driver leans into the back and says:
    "Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!"
    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
    4 immigrants were suffocated in the back of
    a Tesco lorry last night.
    ‘Every little helps.’
    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo
    with blood pouring from them.
    "B*ll*ks to that" said Paddy
    "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
    63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
    It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.
    The police are blaming AL IKEA .
    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
    Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new
    drug for depressed lesbians.. It's called Trydixagin.

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