Some old some new

Discussion in 'The Gash Barge' started by janner, Jan 22, 2009.

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  1. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    New Words for 2009

    An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

    A deeply unattractive person.

    Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

    Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
    project failed, and who was responsible.

    A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
    then leaves.

    The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
    screwed and die.

    * CUBE FARM.
    An office filled with cubicles.

    When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
    people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
    (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

    * SINBAD.
    Single working girls. Single Income, No Boyfriend And Desperate.

    One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

    The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
    to work again.

    * OH - NO SECOND.
    That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just
    made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

    A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

    A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
    works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
    displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
    their level of training.

    The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
    the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

    A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
    Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

    The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
    toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
    the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

    * TART FUEL.
    Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

    Tattoo on a female

    A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
    got 4 buttocks
  2. Ha very good, particularly like the SINBAD one!
    A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

    hunting by sight or smell?
  4. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
    After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
    The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
    The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
    To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
    The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

    A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
    The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
    The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
    The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
    The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

    Finally, the rabbi turned to him and said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
  5. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
    He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the
    He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced
    limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the
    billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,
    swallows it whole.
    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
    The guy says "No, what?"
    The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in
    sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
    He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate,
    then leaves.
    Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
    He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
    While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
    on the bar.
    He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
    Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it
    out, and eats it.
    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he
    "No, what?" replies the guy.
    "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them
    out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
    "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue
    ball, he measures everything first."
  6. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    Disorder In Court

    From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people actually said in court, word for word.

    LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
    WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
    LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
    WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question..
    LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
    WITNESS: No.

    LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
    WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
    LAWYER: It was covered?
    WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
    LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
    WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

    Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

    Q: And where was the location of the accident?
    A: Approximately milepost 499.
    Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.

    Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
    A: Yes.
    Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: What did she say?
    A: What disco am I at?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: Did he kill you?

    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere
  7. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    Man goes to a fancy dress party, naked except for a glass jar on his penis.

    A woman asks, 'What are you?'

    He replies, 'I'm a Fireman'

    'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.

    'Exactly. In an emergency, break glass, pull knob - and I'll come as fast as I can
  8. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.....

    My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"

    I replied "Dust".

    And that's how the fight started.....

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

    And that's how the fight started.....

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

    I bought her a scale.

    And that's how the fight started.....

    I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

    'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

    So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

    And that's when the fight started....

    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s*x?'

    'No,' she answered.

    I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

    So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

    And that's when the fight started....

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

    And that's when the fight started.....


    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

    'Nah, she can order for herself.'

    And that's when the fight started.....
  9. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    Why Women Lie

    One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

    'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

    The Lord again dipped into the river.

    He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

    'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

    The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

    'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamst ress went home happy.

    Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!

    The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

    'Is this your husband?' the Lord


    'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

    The Lord was furious.

    'You lied! That is an untruth!'

    The seamstress replied,'Oh, forgive me, my Lord.

    It is a misunderstanding.

    You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

    Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

    And so the Lord let her keep him.

    The moral of this story is:

    Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.


    All We Women, Amen

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