sods operas

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by babystew, Mar 12, 2009.

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  1. due to age and bad memory:-
    can anyone remember the dits of nabob the paybob who was robbed by a bandit not any old bandit but an arse bandit.
    and the one that went :- throw daniel to the lions said the king " i am a lion tamer said daniel ! you are a lying bastard said the king.
    and shit said the king and a thousand arseholes turned to mecca, stop said the queen and a thousand turds were nipped in the bud.
    these were regular in the hooley bar s/m3 in the sixties
  2. "Shit" said the King, "shit" said the Queen, Forty thousand arses turned towarg Mecca, heaved and strained in the mid Day sun and shat. "Feck me" said the King, "feck me" said the Queen. Eighty two people were killed in the rush, for in that country. the King's word was law.............
    The Hoolie Bar in the 60s - memories, memories !!!!
  3. Is this the one?

    Scene: The Dockyard Church Pulpit

    The Padre’s Sunday Sermon.

    Harken unto me all ye ranks of low virtue, whilst I tell you about Abob, the son of Nabob who,
    whilst travelling from the land of Chatham to the land of Pompii, fell amongst Bandits:

    Not ordinary Bandits.
    Common Bandits.
    Low Bandits -
    Arse Bandits!

    Who ragged, bagged and shagged him, and left him on their way rejoicing and exceedingly glad.

    And there passed by that way a Chief Stoker, out on shore leave with the Mess savings, but he passed by on the other side.
    And there passed by that way a certain women:

    Not an ordinary women.
    A common women
    A low women -
    A Prostitute and slut!

    And she bandaged his wounds with rags:

    Not ordinary rags.
    Common rags.
    Low rags -
    Jam rags!

    And she said unto him, “Abide with me for forty days and forty nightsâ€. And he abode with her for forty days and forty nights.

    And when he returned to the land of Pompii, he said to the Picket on the gate,
    “I have dwelt forty days and forty nights with a women, and I fear I am uncleanâ€.
    And the Picket said, “Get thyself hence to the sickbayâ€. And he got himself hence.

    And he said to the Sickbay Tiffy, “ I have dwelt forty days and forty nights with a women, and I fear I am uncleanâ€.
    And the Sickbay Tiffy said, “Dropâ€, and he dropped.
    He said , “Squeezeâ€, and he squoze, and a dirty great bubble arose the size of a Pusser’s Pea.
    And he said, “Yea, verily thou art uncleanâ€.

    Here endeth the lesson.

    Over fifty years since my last Sod's Opera, so my memory may be a tad rusty.

  4. Didn't one line go -

    Arse tingling, pockets jingling ?

    Struggling to think of other (disjointed) lines!
  5. there ust have been a few versions altered over the years, many happy memories, operas in coradina canteen blank weeks, 2/6d for 10 woodbine
    double srd rum and coke, and the coke cost 10d, pay weeks the gut.
  6. It was the third day of the abolition of prostitutes

    Speaking of prositutes said Daniel how art the queen

    Upon hearing this the king was most annoyed and ordered
    DANIEL TO be thrown in the lions den

    Daniel was unfazed by the Lions and rolled a ball of lion shit
    and threw it at the King

    Shot says Daniel
    Shit says the king, and as the Kings word was law fourty thousand royal arses started straining

    The queen thinking of the Royal carpets says FUCK ME, and as the
    Queens word was law thousands were killed in the rush

    The rest will have to be recalled when I get my next delivery of pussers

    Jack McH
  7. Sharkey Ward

    It came to pass, there was no ass, there was a famine in the land. And Daniel came unto the King, and Daniel sayeth unto the King, "Why is the Queen not a prostitute?" and the King casteth Daniel into the lions' den.
    "Feck me," said the Queen, and no one moved except a decrepit old courtier, who'd sat in a corner wanking for nigh on fifty years, and grabbing hold of her by the lapels of her c**t, pulled her on like a well-worn seaboot.
    "Feck me," said the Princess and the Knight rolled on.
    On the first day the King came unto Daniel, and Daniel espying the King from afar, picked up a lump of crystallized camel shit (bullshit not being available in those days), and let fly, hitting the King between the eyes.
    "Shit," said the King, and the King's word being law in the land, 50,000 asses turned toward the East and splattered the midday sun.
    "Stop," said the Queen, and the Queen's word also being law in those days, 20,000 turds were nipped in the bud.

    ...bonus ball

    Jack Schitt

    I am the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
    fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt,
    Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

    Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
    divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and, because her
    children were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
    She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda
    Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

    Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and
    subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The
    wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt- Happens wedding.

    The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt,
    the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from
    Italy with his bride, Pisa Schitt and their new born son Tuff. So, now
    when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them!

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