Does this help?
The parable of Nabob, Son of Paybob
And it came to pass that there was a great deficit of arse in the land.
And Nabob, son of Paybob, travelled the road from the city of Pompii towards the Land of the West to the city nam-ed Guzz. As he passed through a dwelling place nam-ed Fareham he was set upon by bandits. But these were not just ordinary bandits, for they were arse bandits, and they ragged him, bagged him and fucking shagged him and sent him on his way rejoicing and gasping for a tickler.
And Lo! They drew lots for his Burberry.
And it came to pass that Nabob cameth upon fellow travellers. The first traveller to pass him was a Pharasee. He was neither a tall man, nor a short man. He was neither a fat man, nor a thin man, but he was a fucking great big Jossman, who spat upon him, kicked him in the bollocks, and passed by on the other side of the road.
The next traveller was nam-ed ‘Jenny’, who came upon him saying, "What does thou sayest?" And Nabob, in the true style of the S&S branch, snivelled, whinged, and whined and cried, saying, "I am Nabob, son of Paybob, and I was travelling from Pompii to the city of Guzz, taking well earned shekels to hairy arsed matelots, when I was set upon by bandits. Not just ordinary bandits, but arse bandits, and they ragged me, bagged me and shagged me and sent me on my way rejoicing, but I gaspeth for a tickler. Then they drew lots for my Burberry. Now I shall be deprived of my customary 15% of the takings."
Jenny, though being of the Samaritan tribe, she was not one to passeth on the main chance, and sayeth, "Cometh! Dwelleth with me."
And so Nabob did dwelleth. (Well, being the scrounging, poncing sniveling git that he was, he would, wouldn't he!)
There then followed forty days and forty nights of sin and dwelling with the Samaritans at Haslar. Then in the month of the Great Spring Tides, Sister Jenny sayeth unto Nabob, son of Paybob, "Nabob, I am great with child, let us not delay. Let us go before the Sin Bosun. Wilt thou takest me unto a state of nautical wedlock, so that I might partake of your allowances of marriage, together with your nutty ration? Let us dwell forever amongst the Houses and the Quarters of Wedlock, where I may rejoice with the other Naval Wives and drink goffers at Stand Easy."
And Nabob, white with fear, trembling at the knees and urinating down his doeskin, fearing for his Pusser's 'ard, Blue Liners, tins of tickler and the greatest of all these benefits, his Tot, exclaimeth, "FUCKING HELL!!" and disappeared unto the wilderness beyond the Hill of Portsdown, for he was sore afraid.
And when he returned to the city of Pompii, he said unto the Picket on the Gate, ”I have dwelt forty days and forty nights with a women, and I fear I am unclean.”
And the Picket said, “Get thyself hence to the sickbay”. And he got himself hence.
And he said to the Sickbay Tiffy, “I have dwelt forty days and forty nights with a women, and I fear I am unclean”.
And the Sickbay Tiffy said, “Droppest thy undergarments”, and he droppeth.
And the Sickbay Tiffy said, “Squeeze” “And Nabob he squeezeth.
And lo! A dirty great bubble arose the size of a Pussers Pea.
And the Sickbay Tiffy said, “Yea, verily thou art unclean”.
And lo! Nabob was taken before the assemblage known as Commanders, and the Commander sayeth unto him "Nabob, verily thou art possessed of the pox. Thou shalt victual thyself in the stokers mess with the rest of the unclean ones until cleansed".
Here endeth the lesson.
We shall now sing the hymn:
♪♫‘Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam, But the Jimmy says I can’t be spared…’♫♪
We shall all burn in Hell!
