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Social faux pas / foot in mouth dits


War Hero
We all know that most have us here can have a prety warped world view. But have you ever put your foot in it big time?

Here's my confession:

Used to have this job working in a bar. At the end of the night we'd all sit round cashing up, writing reports and having a drink. One night me and my mate Ricky start up a rather unusual idea for a porno film using mentally handicapped people as the actors. We had it all worked out, going on about how we get a couple of crack whores in to get them started, give some of them drugs like LSD and mushrooms to get them going proper mental and we were acting out the scenes with lots of appropriate noises and actions, bending over chairs going "Unnnh unnnh" and the like when this lad Liam pipes up with "Actually Ricky, my brother's got Downes Syndrome."

The words pin, drop and hear sprung to mind.

Anyway it all worked out for the best 'cos Liam ended up getting sacked for robbing.


War Hero
Years ago (1981) I was on FSU01 and we were at Portland with the Brecon at the time.

Anyway, I had just come back from a course and was joining in some chit chat with some of the stokers and one of them was having a bit of a whinge about time off and being allowed home that day etc.

Enter big mouth (me). "Fer gawds sake Dixie, you cannot keep getting time off when ya feel like it. If you miss home that much, why don't you run off home to ya Mum, ya homesick mummys boy."

Exit stage left Dixie in tears.

Me: "What the fecks the matter with that cry baby then?"

The lads as one: "You idiot Brigham, his mums just died and he is waiting to see his D.O to get home"

Me: "Bollocks."

I did later apologise to him and made it known that I was indeed a complete fcukwit. We ended up really good mates as it goes.


War Hero
i had just got back from a spot of leave and was walking down the Ortho ward At Haslar when i spied a bloke in his bed having a ciggy."It looks like you only have one leg the way youre sat there2 Says I.
"i have,look!"Says he! Oooops,retreat with crimson face.


I said rather too loudly at an Xmas party that an oppos wife looked like Jo Brand. Funny thing is she REALLY did and as the room went quiet it was almost as if you could see the penny dropping in his eyes. They were divorced within a year and all mi mates said it was cos of what I said..... ooops


War Hero
My wife did a good one a few years back.

We had just started our LFS in Norway and were in the 3 Swords club for a meet the new boys type drink with all the other Navy families.

My wife was busy talking to a PO Greenies wife who was of portly belly status...

My missus: "So Shelia, when is the baby due then?"

Shelia: "I'm not pregnant!"

The whole room went deathly quiet and my wife went a very large shade of red. Oooops.

My DO, WORS Mick White almost wet himself and said, good start Brigham.


Lantern Swinger
Simonstown 1961- hms lynx.........duty sparker in the BWO and received a telegram for stoker XXXXXX "baby boy born x number of lbs both doing well" or words to that effect. Pipes "Stoker XXXXX to BWO - Telegram"
and he duly arrives. hands him the said telegam as says worth a whet of your tot eh mate? He reads it, goes white and staggers out the office door without replying. Bugger me I though.........funny reaction............until it dawned on me that we had been away from UK for 11 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my cousin is married to a vicar, first time I met him I was half way through a bet with a mate that I couldn't stay of the beer for a year.

To celebrate their up and coming wedding my cousin and vicar decided to lay on champagne, when asked if I wanted some naturally I said no.

"Not a drinker", he asked

" no I'm a raging alcoholic so can't touch the stuff" I replied thinking I was being funny,

" good for you" he says " my dad was an alcoholic and beat my mum to death, thats when I found god"

Cue half the family chocking on their champagne and me making a quick exit,


War Hero
I was going to start a new thread but will resurrect this one instead.

How to impress your new shipmates, joined Danae through drafted from Gurkha, that made me a jack me dohby bucket 2 ships? Sprog.

Gronk board was a space on bulkhead near some bunks, over time it had spilled in to one bunks own pics, so when I say what a fucking horror he says that’s my wife, oopps, do you want a tinny I say.

When I eventually met her body of a goddess, face like a bag of spanners, I could see which part attracted him, probably never saw he face for ages?


War Hero
Super Moderator
On one boat the MEO got banned from the wardroom for two weeks, after much cajoling and tinny's the DMEO span the dit.

There was a wardroom function on with a visiting Admiral and the MEO had slightly over imbibed. The Admiral was holding court, as they do, and said his daughters name was Tilly, to which the MEO piped up "why, does she do 14 at once", cue embarrassed silence, many red faces and the MEO bundled out of the wardroom :)

the bix

I was Barrack guard at HMS Drake for a while..... one day we were expecting Rear Admiral??? someone so ALL the top brass were lined up at the gate - loads of them were there, Captains, Commanders etc. I was placed out onto the main road to identify when the Admirals car was approaching....just look for the RN in the number plate they said!!! ...... 5 mins later I call out 'Admiral Sir' and brought them all to attention....... WRONG CAR!! apparently one of the drivers had been out to collect the cleaners.....I will never forget the cleaners smiles as they waved to all the brass stood to attention............ I was replaced a few minutes later!!!


War Hero
Some years ago me and the wife were walking through town when a bloke asked me the way to Lloyd' s Bank.
"Carry on down this street," says I, "turn left go 50 yards and you'll see it on your left, great big place, can't miss it."
Thanking me he went off down the street. My missus says to me, "See it on the left? You pillock, didn't you notice his white stick, the poor man's blind!"


War Hero
Mine ain't so much social but it was a faux pax!!!
Imagine the scene. Divisions. Winter, HMS Gannet, Prestwick Scotland. (Home to 819 anti submarine squadron - Sea Kings), (Pingers). (hack spit).
We had been fallen in for about an hour, freezing our preverbal's off! Now, I was a ex 829 missile aimer, (Wasps), when dressed in noz 1's I almost resembled a boy scout. So on my right cuff I was sporting my missile aimers badge! (International darts player).
Finally some Admiral bloke arrives and divisions commence. (Hu- effin - ray). He arrives at the aircrewmans platoon and is wandering along the ranks with the usual senior officer drivel, not listening to the responses. (Sound familiar).
Gets to me, gives me an up and down glance and moves on. Then he stops! Walks back to me and says. Don't see many missile aimers on an ASW unit. "No Sir" I respond.
"Did you hit your target?" say Admiral Blah.
"I wouldn't have the fukcing badge if I missed" I reply and immediately realise - MISTAKE!!!!!
"Good - good" says Admiral Blah and walks past.
Got away with that one I think.
CO and Chief Aircrewman, (BJ Johnston), whisper in my ear, "we heard you" and BJ adds - Douglas I'm going to kick your arse around the airfield when we finish here!!!!
I blamed the cold and onset of frostbite!!!!! Still had my arse kicked though!!!!
Episode ended up in the squadron Line Book!!!!!
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War Hero
Just a faux pas.

When I was a VERY baby sailor, I was a dabber. First ship, under sailing orders and I'm the Bosun's Mate.

Get sent to do all the Wardroom shakes at about 0500 for thems as needed to do stuff. All shook, except for one - I could NOT find Lt Weed. It was in the book clear as day - 0500, Weed, Lt. Up and down the cabin flat, checking all the doors - no Lt Weed, hence no shake.

It could only have been a couple of hours later when a VERY grumpy Lt , who had been dragged out of his pit by the Navvy and given a royal bollocking, came looking for me.

Turns out he WAS a Lt but had not put his name in the shakes book, but his job initials, which in those days was the Weapons Electrical Engineering Officer, or with his gash handwriting, Lt Weed!

Baby dabber 1, up his own arrse WEO 0.


This one is not an embarrassing dit but one that I am proud of. One of our lads was getting friendly with a stores Wren and despite the fact that we were shore based, she wanted him to write dirty to her. He had no experience in this department so asked my advice. I composed a letter for him. He sent it to her and she never spoke to him again!


War Hero
Visited Corfu on Courageous along with Fort class RFA. EVERYONE was hiring mopeds to zoom around on, but the fore-ends gang rocked up to our hotel car park in a rented Fiat 500.
"Why did you rent that thing instead of a mobie then?"
"Them mobies are crap, badly maintained and probably have duff brakes"
"Well y'can have a go on mine..... it's cheaper than a feckin' car"

On climbs one of them, and kicks off - whizzing around the car park. He lost control of the thing (duff brakes) and crashed it into the side of the car he'd just hired. Big dents no wing mirror left and a nice bill heading his way for the car and the moped.

We all thought it was feckin' highly amusing.


In a similar post by Brigham 600, I was talking to a mate who was moving in to a married quarter. Having met his wife, I advised him to be careful carrying her over the threshold when they moved in. "Why is that" he asked. "Because she is pregnant" I replied. He assured that she was not. I could have saved a lot of words by telling him that his wife is a big fat girl!
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