Social faux pas / foot in mouth dits

We all know that most have us here can have a prety warped world view. But have you ever put your foot in it big time?

Here's my confession:

Used to have this job working in a bar. At the end of the night we'd all sit round cashing up, writing reports and having a drink. One night me and my mate Ricky start up a rather unusual idea for a porno film using mentally handicapped people as the actors. We had it all worked out, going on about how we get a couple of crack whores in to get them started, give some of them drugs like LSD and mushrooms to get them going proper mental and we were acting out the scenes with lots of appropriate noises and actions, bending over chairs going "Unnnh unnnh" and the like when this lad Liam pipes up with "Actually Ricky, my brother's got Downes Syndrome."

The words pin, drop and hear sprung to mind.

Anyway it all worked out for the best 'cos Liam ended up getting sacked for robbing.
Years ago (1981) I was on FSU01 and we were at Portland with the Brecon at the time.

Anyway, I had just come back from a course and was joining in some chit chat with some of the stokers and one of them was having a bit of a whinge about time off and being allowed home that day etc.

Enter big mouth (me). "Fer gawds sake Dixie, you cannot keep getting time off when ya feel like it. If you miss home that much, why don't you run off home to ya Mum, ya homesick mummys boy."

Exit stage left Dixie in tears.

Me: "What the fecks the matter with that cry baby then?"

The lads as one: "You idiot Brigham, his mums just died and he is waiting to see his D.O to get home"

Me: "Bollocks."

I did later apologise to him and made it known that I was indeed a complete fcukwit. We ended up really good mates as it goes.
i had just got back from a spot of leave and was walking down the Ortho ward At Haslar when i spied a bloke in his bed having a ciggy."It looks like you only have one leg the way youre sat there2 Says I.
"i have,look!"Says he! Oooops,retreat with crimson face.
I said rather too loudly at an Xmas party that an oppos wife looked like Jo Brand. Funny thing is she REALLY did and as the room went quiet it was almost as if you could see the penny dropping in his eyes. They were divorced within a year and all mi mates said it was cos of what I said..... ooops
My wife did a good one a few years back.

We had just started our LFS in Norway and were in the 3 Swords club for a meet the new boys type drink with all the other Navy families.

My wife was busy talking to a PO Greenies wife who was of portly belly status...

My missus: "So Shelia, when is the baby due then?"

Shelia: "I'm not pregnant!"

The whole room went deathly quiet and my wife went a very large shade of red. Oooops.

My DO, WORS Mick White almost wet himself and said, good start Brigham.


Lantern Swinger
Simonstown 1961- hms lynx.........duty sparker in the BWO and received a telegram for stoker XXXXXX "baby boy born x number of lbs both doing well" or words to that effect. Pipes "Stoker XXXXX to BWO - Telegram"
and he duly arrives. hands him the said telegam as says worth a whet of your tot eh mate? He reads it, goes white and staggers out the office door without replying. Bugger me I though.........funny reaction............until it dawned on me that we had been away from UK for 11 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my cousin is married to a vicar, first time I met him I was half way through a bet with a mate that I couldn't stay of the beer for a year.

To celebrate their up and coming wedding my cousin and vicar decided to lay on champagne, when asked if I wanted some naturally I said no.

"Not a drinker", he asked

" no I'm a raging alcoholic so can't touch the stuff" I replied thinking I was being funny,

" good for you" he says " my dad was an alcoholic and beat my mum to death, thats when I found god"

Cue half the family chocking on their champagne and me making a quick exit,
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