Skiffing. A Guide For Beginners.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Skiffing. The noble art of popping a finger up your claypipe and rubbing it over the rim of a mug, some cutlery or under someones nose. This is always best done on day five of a mad field exercise in the middle of summer where the combination of clag, dried sweat and cheese are present. In my time, i have skiffed many people and many things. For those out there that have never partaken of this childish pleasure, i thought i would regale you with my proudest skiffing tale to date.

Not long after i got back from Op Granby, i was tasked to go over to another Signal Squadron to assist with a comms exercise. When i rocked up, i found out that i would be driving around the Commander Med, who was a Lt Colonel in the RAMC. I thought this would be a doddle until i met the cunt. He was about 4ft10, bald and had Himmler specs. He also had small mans syndrome, halitosis and was as wide as he was tall. Worse, he thought that i was posted to him as his own personal batman as opposed to his comms God/driver. As you can imagine, it was a match made in heaven.

On the exercise, we had umpire status which meant that we were non tactical. Lt Col Weeble took that to mean that whenever we pulled into a location for the night, Sig Blackrat would put up his own personal 9x9 tent (i shit you not), assemble his bed, sort out his kit etc etc. I took great pleasure in this as i emptied my bladder in the bottom of his bergen, placed used arse rag in his webbing, popped his toothbrush up my hoop, you get the picture. The skiffing started when he would insist that i make him scoff in the morning and make him a mug of tea. Being the observant warrior i was back then, i noticed that Lt Col Fatcunt would always hold his mug in his right hand. This being the case, i would skiff the opposite side so whenever he drank, he would get a whiff of my stench trench which as the exercise went on, was becoming quite horrid indeed. It was a joy watching him drink his brew while watching his eyebrows raise alarmingly with each gulp.

Becoming bored with this, i took the skiffing to new levels. One night when he was snoring in his marquee while i was threaders under a basha, i sneaked in, had a good rummage around my starfish and wiped the residue on his specs. For good measure i shoved his favourite pen up my arse as i noticed he would pop it in his mouth while reading things.

My proudest moment was when he said to me "Blackrat. We are going to visit some Combat Medics. To show willing, we are going to cam up so we look the part. As you know about these things, would you be so kind to cam my face up?"

You betcha.

Popping off to get my cam cream from my webbing, i popped my finger up my dung tunnel and pulled out a bit of fresh cack. Placing more cam on my other fingers, i made sure that the cack went right under his nose (in a Hitler tash way) and made his cam as shit as possible (from memory, i managed to draw a small cock on his cheek and a pirates scar on his chin.) Do you know what? He never even checked my work. Others did and were courteous enough not to point this out to him. How i laughed when he turned his cock cheeked side to me and said "Do you know something? I think i can smell dung". "I can't Sir. It must be the cam cream"

Skiffing. It's for winners.


War Hero
:D :D :D :D

When one sticks their finger up another's asshole and smears the product onto the upper lip of that person; thus resulting in a "hitler" type mustache that smells like shit (because it is shit)

Commonly known as, A Stinky Hitler


War Hero
A cheeky bit of skiffery always goes down a treat.

My Dad has an oppo who's favourite game is to stick his fingers up his turd cutter just prior to walking into the pub. On arrival he will announce to everyone that he has some new Calvin Klein perfume which fell off the back of a lorry and would anyone like to buy a bottle? He will then walk around the boozer thrusting his shitty fingers under people's noses asking them to take a sniff of the new perfume.

Surprisingly some people say it isn't bad but I suppose they are just being polite.

Skiffing is for winners. Every girl I have ever pulled in Jo's or Emma's has got skiffed in her sleep prior to me leaving the next day. On my last RN ship our mess got put on a beer ban because we went on a night time skiffing sesh, through the escape hatch into the Wren's mess above. You could hear the screams in the morning as they all woke up with big dirty sanchez poo tashes. Obviously every Reggy I have ever met has had their entire office skiffed and their kettle pissed in as well.


War Hero
So, let's move on to 'dicking', aka the noble art of running your cheesy bellend round the rim of your obnoxious (insert rank, name or occupation of victim here) target.

Last done when I was a civvy working for an exCCPO at Big And Expensive, who was a total dicksplash. Childish I very know, but SO satisfying to watch him drinking his coffee out of his ski logo-ed mug.

Bastard, I still hate him and would not cross the road to piss on him if he was on fire.

Mmmmmm, happy now, that's better! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Dicking eh SB?

I once watched a mate of mine pick the smeg from his bellend on exercise and put it on a Biscuit Brown AB (the AB standing for **** blockage). He put a wee bit of cheese possessed on the biccie as well and handed it to a Sergeant who was well known as a class one cunt. I could not believe my eyes as said Sgt tucked into his snack with gusto. When finished, he licked his lips and said "Anymore of those? That were fookin luvverly!" Needless to say, there was no shortage of volunteers. He must have scoffed more knob cheese that day than a bag lady providing blow jobs for extra turps.


War Hero
*Pie Altering* (A fun game played in Naval Automats at chucking out time)

(1). Wobble into a Naval Automat (I know, I know - hard to do these days)

(2). Locate the Pie Machine and navigate to a shelf with only one pie remaining.

(3). Purchase Pie - remove crusty pastry lid, empty rancid meat
contents into nearest bin and *Refill* said pie with bowel contents
(always handy to have a lookout at the Automat door). Re-attach
tasty pastry lid.

(4). Re-wrap (warm) pie - and place it back on rotating shelf, so that
when the door is opened....the next gibbering mong who turns up whoops
with delight when he discovers that there's a "free pie" going begging.

(5). Hang around long enough to observe drunken person tuck in to his
free scran. Marvel at his shit-stained teeth and fetid breath as he munches
away, mumbling incoherently about "The state of the f***ing Scotch Pies
in Neptune Automat".


War Hero
Book Reviewer
I get shadowed by the same tramp when i'm at work and go out. It's quite alarming. It might well be my dad for all i know. Anyway, this has been going on for a while and he keeps trying to cadge fags off me. I saw him lurking the other day so like the top man i am, i inserted my finger into my jap flag in preparation. As i got near to him, he came towards me and said:

"Gee us a fag there mon"

I obliged. He then ejaculated:

"Yee gonnae gie us a light an all ye cunt ye?"

I obliged but this time, i ran my skiffed finger over his top lip area, as if by accident.

He didn't bat a fucking eyelid. To be fair though, he had personal hygeine that would have made a monkey blush. However, he said the following:

"What did ye fill thae zippo up with? It stinks o shite

There's just no pleasing some people.

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