Should We Claim Back The USA?

Discussion in 'Current Affairs' started by Joint_Force_Harrier, Oct 26, 2006.

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  1. Lets get the states back, afterall look at the mess they have made out of it!!!


    A Message from John Cleese to the Citizens of the United States of America.
    “In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (excepting Kansas; which she does not fancy).
    Your new Prime Minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect;

    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter U will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and neighbour. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut’ without skipping half the letters and the suffix “ize†will be replaced with “iseâ€.

    Generally you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to an acceptable level – look up vocabulary. Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises - such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ – is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ‘ize’.

    You will relearn your original national anthem. God Save The Queen.

    July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you are not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you are not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you are not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) and pay roughly $6/US Gallon. Get used to it! You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to a beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as near-frozen gnats urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having ones ears removed with a cheese grater.

    You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called ‘The World Series’ for a game that is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

    You must tell us who killed JFK. It has been driving us mad.

    An internal revenue agent (i.e. Tax Collector) from Her majesties Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (back dated to 1776).

    Thank you for your co-operation.
  2. Outstanding!!! :D :D :D Loved it!!

    Is this new or did I miss it first time round?

  3. America - The only country to go from barbarism to decadence without passing through civilisation.
  4. The really daft thing is that if you hired the right Lawyers you could probably make a winable case out of this.

    The question is whether any of us would be stupid enough to want it.

  5. America back? No thanks, they are welcome to the place they call home to the many fcuked up individuals and a country who have no inclination as to what is going in the world outside the US of A.
  6. Goes back years. A reasonable history at

    Includes all the different versions, and some quite funny American responses!
  7. America - the land with no history, no present and no future!
    America - the only country that has never fought a war on it's own land, with the exception of their Civil War .... and half of them lost that!
    U/s (sorry, US!) ... Agreed!

  8. Years ago, I spent some time working in America. On 4th July, I posted this up all around the office. Some people had a complete sense of humour failure and I was called for an interview sans coffee with the Chief Executive to apologise. He, however, was an ex USArmy officer who thought it rather funny and called all those who didn't "a complete bunch of fags". A truly refreshing break in the PC-ness of corporate life in the States!!
  9. Forget it!Have you tried to get a decent cup of tea in the US??????
  10. FlagWagger

    FlagWagger Book Reviewer

    You can get PG Tips and Typhoo a little further North, here in Canada.
  11. I like the idea a lot. We could set up various homelands for various minorities in the States giving them their own independent nations with agricultural land, sea and their own government and use Texas as a giant penal colony. We could imbue their service volunteers with our traditions and customs whilst getting their excellent equipment. Rosie could become Governess-General wearing her red Prada thigh length boots and the PO Stoker could become Chancellor of the Exchequor - given his propensity to win loads-a-money.
  12. andym wrote: Forget it!Have you tried to get a decent cup of tea in the US??????

    FlagWagger wrote: You can get PG Tips and Typhoo a little further North, here in Canada.

    So, nothing decent then? :lol:

  13. Not by John Cleese and, yes, about six yeard old now, but still quite, quite amusing.
  14. No Always, he is about to be locked in an institution for his own safety. Has taken to emailing a finger puppet on the Quiz Show!

    PS anyone want to come on holiday with me in February? All inclusive to Sharm?
  15. Do we want it back? and who cares anyway?
  16. Rosy WTF are you talking about?
    RoofRat 8O
  17. Let's face it,
    I have a better chance of sprouting antlers than you do of taking this country away from us. So I propose this compromise:

    Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have announced their plans to get married in England in November (18th, I believe).
    You keep them, and in return we'll give you, say....Rhode Island, which we're not currently using, and I'll throw in a case of Red Bull, which tastes like hydraulic fluid, but makes a dandy lawnmower cleaning solvent.

    Ros, you can have George Clooney, if you'll make him shut up and go away.
  18. What about UK and Australia becoming two Amercan states. Both are so Americanised now nobody would notice the difference GDI Always wanted to call people MFs and SOB and CSs

  20. BY you will also be required to take the complete Royal Family, and anyone who has ever been or asked to be a Member or Parliament. In exchange you will receive Australia, New Zealand, Gibraltar, Falkland Islands and other places where HM The Queen is currently Head of State.

    Nutty :roll:

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