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Short'n'Sweet

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Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."
"My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “The ****** had a window cleaning round."
 
A guy goes to the Doctor's as he's been itching 'Down There'
The Doctor says, "I'm sorry Sir, but you have GASH"
...
"GASH?" Asks the guy, thoroughly confused, "What's that then?"
The doctor replies: "It's a nasty combination of Gonnorhea, Aids, Syphylis and Herpies"
"Shit!" The guy says, turning as white as a sheet. "Is there any treatment?"
"Yes, you'll have a special diet of pizza, naan bread, poppodums and Dover Sole" advises the Doc.
"Will that cure me then?" Asks the patient, a little more relieved.
"No. It's all we can slide under the door."
 
A guy goes to the Doctor's as he's been itching 'Down There'
The Doctor says, "I'm sorry Sir, but you have GASH"
...
You may laugh, but as a skin 18yo I was on the Exmouth when I got rubella from God knows where - so i was instantly sent to the Communicable Diseases ward at Haslar and I had to eat my meals at the communal table with these blokes from the Fez and elsewhere with all sorts of nasties and bits rotting off - longest and smelliest 2 weeks of my life
 
JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter.
I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee.
 
I dropped my phone in the sink today and some arseh0le told me to dry it out in a bowl of rice.
Ive still lost all my contacts, except for my uncle Ben.
 

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