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Short'n'Sweet

taffscrivs

War Hero
Fred's wife was in the habit of sleeping on her back, knees drawn up and legs wide open.
He kept telling her "If you carry on sleeping like that your guts are going to fall out."
"Oh, don't talk such rubbish." she would reply.
Friday night down the pub Fred buys a rabbit off a poacher and on the way home hatched a cunning plan...
He guts the rabbit and sneaks upstairs and there she is, fast asleep, on her back with her legs drawn up and wide open as usual.
Fred lays the rabbit's innards between her legs, gets quietly into bed beside her and goes to sleep.
Middle of the night she shakes him awake really upset "Fred you were right," she sobs, "My guts did fall out, but with the grace of God and two knitting needles I've got them back in again!"
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
Scientists working for NASA have stated that it is possible to live safely and happily on Mars.
Well, I've been eating ten a day and nowt else for the past six months and I now weigh 31 stone and have been diagnosed with type two diabetes, so them scientists are spouting complete bollocks. I'm fuckin' doomed.
 

buffersduffer

Lantern Swinger
I went to the library and asked for a book on spinsters

‘It’s been left on the shelf’ said the librarian

I thought yeap, that’s the one
 
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taffscrivs

War Hero
Thor the Viking god goes to a party, gets pissed and traps a beautiful blonde 16 year old virgin.
After hours of wild passion they fall asleep wrapped in each others arms.
Next morning Thor wakes up and thinks "She was great but I don't even know her name."
He smiles at her and says, "I'm Thor."
The girl who has a slight lisp replies, "I'm tho thore I can't pith!"
 

Sumo

War Hero
2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike, The bike breaks down so they start hitching a lift. A friendly truck driver stops to see if he can help so the scousers ask him for a lift.
He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will have a look at the bike for them, He tried everything he knew but finally said that he was unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave, The scousers say to the driver "if we can manage to fit the bike in the back will he give them a lift" to which the driver agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and the bike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and sets off on his way.
By this time he is really late so puts his foot down, but sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding, The officer asks what he is carrying to which the driver replies "Scouse Eggs". Plod obviously doesn't believe this so demands to take a look, He opens the back door then quickly closed it again and locked it.
He then gets onto his radio and calls for immediate back up from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
His reply was "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse Eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already
 

taffscrivs

War Hero
Bloke goes to a fancy dress party with his face plastered with red poster paint and his mouth full of custard.
He knocks the door and the hostess answers.
"What have you come as?"
Bloke squeezes his cheeks and custard shoots all over her dress.
"I've come as a boil!"
 

taffscrivs

War Hero
Young girl gets a job in a sales office and the smoothie rep asks her to have a drink after work.
They go to a nice country pub and he plies her with strong drink. They end up in the back of the company car going at it like rabbits. After the performance he's pulling his trousers up and says, "If I had known you were a virgin I wouldn't have done that. She replies, "If I had known you were going to do that I'd have took me bloody tights off!"
 
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