Navy Net - Royal Navy Community

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Short'n'Sweet

taffscrivs

War Hero
Woman goes into a bookshop and buys a Holy Bible.
The shop assistant is a Rastafarian guy and as she pays he asks,
"Do you want it wrapping?" Woman replies, "Yes please."
Rastaman goes, "Our fadah who am in hevin." ....
 

Sumo

War Hero
Woman goes into a bookshop and buys a Holy Bible.
The shop assistant is a Rastafarian guy and as she pays he asks,
"Do you want it wrapping?" Woman replies, "Yes please."
Rastaman goes, "Our fadah who am in hevin." ....
You deserve this

Groan.png
 

Sumo

War Hero
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
 

taffscrivs

War Hero
Another old farmer buys a tractor to replace his horse but the tractor won't start.
He calls a mechanic out to take a look at it and leaves him with it whilst he goes off to feed his pig.
When he returns the mechanic has the tractor running sweetly.
"What was it?" he asks. "Shit in the carb." replies the mechanic.
"Bloody hell!" says the farmer, "How often do I have to do that?"
 

Dredd

War Hero
Super Moderator
A vacationing penguin is driving his car when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor so he drives to the nearest town and stops at the first garage he sees.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Blackpool, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the garage and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
 

Sumo

War Hero
A Matelot bought two cases of beer on sale at Tesco’s placed them on the front seat of his car and headed back home.
He stopped at a service station to get fuel,and a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on his passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in bartering so would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
The Matelot thought for a few seconds and asked, .... "What kind of beer have you got?'
 

Sumo

War Hero
All names sounding similar to Bob are just a coincidence and no fence should be taken, go to B&Q and get your own?




Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
'BOB, wake up....... You've shit the bed!
 

Sumo

War Hero
A traffic warden was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
 

Dredd

War Hero
Super Moderator
I hope you didn't have a coughing fit after blowing the dust off that one! Would have been quite a thick layer.
 

taffscrivs

War Hero
The old judge had a hard day in court and decided to have a drink on the way home. One drink turned into several and before he knew it he is as pissed as a rat. He staggered to the taxi rank and hails a cab. The cab driver is a bit of a speed merchant and after a rough ride home the old judge gets out of the taxi and pukes down the front of his suit. It's now gone midnight so he sneaks into the house and dumps his suit by the washing machine.
Next morning up he gets, walks into the kitchen and says to his wife; "Sorry I was late home, had rather a long hard day in court." "Yes dear," she replies, "What happened to your suit?" Judge says, "I was waiting at the taxi rank and a drunk puked all down my jacket, but never fear, he's up in front of me in court on Monday and I will fine him one hundred pounds." Wife says, "You had better fine him two hundred, he shit in the back of you trousers as well!"
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
MoD_RSS Short statement from Simon French, Chief Inspector of Rail Accidents MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Supporting LDCs through short and long-term pandemic recovery MoD News 0
G Why is Length of Service so short? Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 23
MoD_RSS Governor Dakin's radio address: additional short-term lockdown measures over Easter holiday MoD News 0
soleil PlymouthLive: "Royal Navy Too Short Of Ships To Police Fisheries After Brexit, Lords Told" The Fleet 4
soleil FB: HMS Raleigh Page: "A Short Video Of The Cornwell27s At Pier Cellars This Week" Bases / Shore Est 0
MoD_RSS News story: European Commission consultation on short-term export credit rules MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Press release: Regulator launches short consultation on its Accounting Direction MoD News 0
soleil BBC Radio 4: "The Briefing Room - Why Are The British Armed Forces Short Of Personnel?" Current Affairs 0
E R.N. 4000 short The Quarterdeck 19
A RN Still short of Engineers? Ahem! The Quarterdeck 45
S Selling ourselves short The Fleet 3
T Short Waiting Times Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 5
RAF_Groundcrew Request for assistance: Short Questionnaire for degree research. The Quarterdeck 14
P Can RNR access the Forces University Short Courses system? Royal Naval Reserve (RNR) 7
A Short Term Allocation list Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 20
P Short notice BRNC question regarding dress regs Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 14
dsgrnmcm SAFEGUARD are their any SUY(XSM) or XSM? Available for info at the short trail? Submariners 20
G search term too short Site Issues 8
Subsunk Lockerbie Bomber on short finals Current Affairs 10
trelawney126 Harry Potter Goblin gets "Short Sentance" Diamond Lil's 2
G *Urgent* Medical Purser required for short term contract... The Afterlife - Resettlement and Jobs 0
S A Short 'Cruise' Diamond Lil's 7
Good CO Short term broken forum links - known issue Site Issues 0
trelawney126 House to Let (Short or Long Lease) Diamond Lil's 0
soleil Mail: "Soldiers Went Short Of Kit As MoD Wasted £½m On Art" Current Affairs 17
BreathingOutOnTheWayUp Dependents Short-changed. Current Affairs 15
soleil Register: "Supersonic stealth jumpjet makes 'short landing'" The Fleet Air Arm 10
soleil T'grph: RAF Head warns against short-term spending decisions Current Affairs 0
P RN Pscyhometric Examination - 2 points short to be a Writer Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 17
witsend The short U-tube vids thread Diamond Lil's 2
Joint_Force_Harrier School bans short Skirts Diamond Lil's 96
diver_dan mobiliztion short falls Royal Naval Reserve (RNR) 23
pompeyexpat Short sighted pirates Current Affairs 8
higthepig To-nights short flight deck movie, Mutiny on the Bunny. Diamond Lil's 1
BillyNoMates Mutinies-a short history. History 0
T Forces short on morale... Current Affairs 7
BillyNoMates BBC4 Short Interactive Documentary Submariners 10
chockhead819 ARK ROYAL - Short notice The Fleet 3
D Making a short film Social & Reunions 8
H Funny short movie The Quarterdeck 1
higthepig 4 short of............ Diamond Lil's 27
GSSR_Vvd Short notice list???? Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 2
D Hey people just a short question Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 7
Good_CO More Site Work - Short maintenance at 1855 Tuesday Site Issues 1
FlagWagger Official Short-sightedness - a philosophical question Current Affairs 6
Stirlin Sweet Country Films, Music, TV & All Things Artsy 3
sgtpepperband "A Letter From Fred - 'Oh Sweet Lorraine'" Nearest & Dearest 5
trelawney126 Revenge is Sooo Sweet Diamond Lil's 17
soleil Mail: "Sweet (HMS) Caroline! Iconic Warship Set For £1m Renovation" History 0
Similar threads


















































Latest Threads

Top