Which Spice Girl can carry the most petrol? Geri can.
How do you light up a football stadium? With a football match.
What do you call it when a hen looks at a lettuce? A chicken caesar salad.
Did you hear about the man who was sacked from the calendar factory? He took a couple of days off.
What do you call a Mexican whose vehicle has been stolen? Carlos.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a reindeer with no eyes and no legs. Still no idea.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Dad: It said on the news that an actress has stabbed someone. Think her name was Reese.
Dad: No, with a knife.
I met some obsessive chess players in a hotel reception, going on about how good they were. They were chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.
A dad is washing his car with his son. The son says: ‘Dad, can’t you use a sponge?’
I accidentally handed my wife the superglue instead of her lipstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
My dog can do magic tricks. He’s a Labracadabrador.
Two cats swam the English Channel. They were called One Two Three and Un Deux Trois. Which cat won? One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.