Short'n'Sweet

Topstop

War Hero
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife... rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
One of the lads was out on the lash with his missus one night and they both went to bed absolutely ringbolted. In the morning our hero, Gordon(name changed to protect the guilty, his real name was Wiggy), woke up on the wrong side of the bed with his beloved on his side, he had followed through and/or swamped. He got up and showered and cleaned himself up. When he got back to the bedroom his wife was still out for the count so he rolled her over back to her side and got in beside her. then woke her up calling her all the dirty cows in the universe. Needless to say the marriage was over within a couple of months.
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
The checkout counters at our pound shop always have some sort of "Manager's special" that they're trying to clear. This afternoons visit to the one in Plymouth was a stroke of good fortune.
Lady on the till said "Can I interest you in our special offers today? Packs of AA batteries and large tubes of Smarties? Buy two, get two free!"
Now the wife's bedroom bottom drawerful of sex toys needed refuelling and I always wanted to play that game were one gets small crispy coated chocolate treats rammed up ones arse with with the twirling end of an Anne Summers black love torpedo, so for once in my miserable existence I've actually dipped in.
All I've got to do now is wait for her next hairdresser appointment and then it'll be a Smartie Party!
Thanks Pound Shop! An offer like that was too good to pass up.
 
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