Short'n'Sweet

BillyNoMates

War Hero
Most people have a skeleton in the cupboard....something they want to hide away.

Not David Beckham.

He takes his out for walks and stuff.
 
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Qwer78

Midshipman
Once when Dad was young,Dad got the idea that the next door neighbours were
mistreating their family pet.Every time he looked over the fence the animal seemed
to be getting thinner and thinner.
He complained to the neighbours and said he hated cruelty to animals,every time
he asked them if they were feeding the dog,they swore they were but it seemed skinnier
than ever and one day Dad could take no more. He jumped the fence,threatened the
neighbour with a beating then took the dog and drowned it to put it out of its`misery.
It was the first time he had seen a greyhound .
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
I just knew my darling wife would cry a little when she found the love letter on my pillow that I'd written to her before I went to work this morning.

I'd nailed it to her favourite cat.
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
Remember! Dogs can die in hot cars when all the windows are shut in summer after only an hour.

However, if you leave the engine running and the heaters turned up full blast, you can take about fifteen minutes off that.

(Awaiting incoming death threats)
 
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BillyNoMates

War Hero
Interesting fact of the day.

The male Gypsy Moth can smell the female Gypsy Moth from up to seven miles away.

This amazing fact is also true if you remove the word "moth".
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
Down on the Barbican tuther day and I saw this 'orrible obese munter
outside a fast food place, sittin' on a bench, legs wide apart, filling her
grid with food. The disgusting bit was that she had no nickers on.
"That's fu**ing horrible", I remarked.
"Sorry about the view", she replied,
"But it keeps the flies off my cheesburger"
 

SONAR-BENDER

War Hero
I was driving down a country lane when I shunted the car in front at a junction.The lady got out and yelled "Ram me ***********, why don't you!!!"
And there your Honour, the defence rests.





Mmmmm there appears to be a sweary filter at work! Under the stars it says 'Ram me up the arris why don't you!'
 

taffscrivs

War Hero
I was drivng down a narrow country lane and met a snooty looking woman driving a Range Rover. I pulled over to let her pass and said to her,"Cow"! "Pig"! she replied and sped away round the corner, straight into a cow that had strayed onto the road.....
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
My wife got out of bed this morning complaining of stinging chest pains.
"Of course you have stinging chest pains my dearest", I said.
"You're standing on your nipples"
 
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