Sheds, and their uses.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Rumrat, Jun 25, 2010.

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  1. My missus should try explaining things better.
    She and her sister have an allotment between them. Until recently I always believed an allotment to be something they took out your pay and sent homers.
    So the war office decides that no allotment is complete without a shed.
    We want a big shed I am told would you see to it.?
    So I gets a 10X8ft delivered and I built it up last wed. War office goes to view it today, comes back and tells me its too big.
    Now how the fuck can a shed be too big?
    If you can't think of what you can use a shed for then you should not own one.
    I have a list of ideas that would if laid side by side be a list, and if she cannot think what to do with this newly acquired empire she should cede it to me.
    I can think of one use straight away, she could friggin move into it. :twisted: :roll:
     
  2. An extra room to fill with crap and powertools that you use once
     
  3. How absolutely cynical.
    A real man has a shed full stop.
    There is no need to put anything in it, in fact as 2DD quite rightly points out it is a necessary recreational space, and is one of the few true sanctuaries left to the male of the species. :D :roll:

    My shed,..my space. I just wish my garden finished at least another couple of miles from the back door. :twisted:
     
  4. Don't get me wrong I would have a shed if I had a garden and I would leave a can of petrol in there as I love the aroma it gives off. :oops:
     
  5. The kind of aroma I would most like to sniff in my shed has very little to do with inanimate objects or fluids.
    Feral animals might be on the list, but not high. 8O :roll: :oops:
     
  6. There in lies the problem because its the war offices allotment whatever you put in there would never be good enough.
     
  7. Cellar over-flow.
     
  8. Sheds tears :cry:
     
    • Like Like x 1
  9. Actually I drive a shed.
    Some referred to it as a Fiat Stilo.
    Its only redeeming feature is that for a 1600 16v it does go like shit off a shovel.
    Pity about the electrics. :evil: :twisted:
    They were awarded small car interior of the year, they need to be comfortable, as the time you sit waiting for the RAC.
     
  10. [​IMG]


    10' x 8'!! FFS RR, call that a shed. That's a dog kennel. Posted above is a memory from the Old Country to remind you of how all sheds should be (not mine btw). Mine is 15m x 10m but is smaller than my next door neighbour's....story of my bloody life really :(

    Edited to add: Just for you 2DD; it's got a bar in it and a full-to-the-brim, 550ltr beer fridge. I like my shed :D
     
  11. Fifty Sheds Of Grey


    V II ................ ???

    We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall…..but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

    She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
    "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
    So I took her to McDonalds.


    She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
    I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.


    Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
    She still manages to get into the shed, though.


    "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
    "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
    "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."


    "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
    So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.


    "Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
    "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"


    I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
    Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.


    "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
    "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

    "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
    "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."


    "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
    She nodded.
    "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.


    "Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
    "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.


    "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

     
    • Like Like x 4
  12. :hello2: I've not only got two sheds but I've been to Hatlepool and Basingstoke!:eek:mg:
     
  13. The bloke across from me has two sheds.

    And a blacker cat!!!!!!
     
  14. A shed is always useful when you want to escape from the other half and play with your tool;s.
     
  15. wet_blobby

    wet_blobby War Hero Moderator

    In New Zealand the locals put wheels on them and call them "Home made camper vans" I'll try and get some photo's of some for you all, it's the time of year they start crawling along the roads.
     
  16. Having once been the proud owner of Sheds x 2 - I now realise that a shed is mostly used for looking for that
    "certain-size" Phillips screwdriver which you definitely possess to be used ONLY for the removal of those
    plastic bits that support internally fixed vertical blinds. Having searched through BOTH sheds and several
    re-cycled ex-Christmas Cadburys Heroes choccy tins and all those fucking things that have been screwed
    to the sheds bulkheads for said vitally important tool....you are suddenly informed by the wife that she's
    put it in the crap drawer in the kitchen. However - you've still managed to waste an hour or two and can
    therefore postpone todays D.I.Y. tasks because it's too late and you've got to go to your real place of work.

    I'll soon be the right-chuffed owner of a really big fuck off shed with power and lighting that's attached to
    the garage. Watch me go then!

    B.N.M.
     
  17. The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled a lot ofblokes. Now a spoof, “Fifty Sheds of Grey”, offers a treat for the men. Thebook has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

    Fifty Sheds Of Grey

    We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

    She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night,"she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me." So I took her to McDonalds.

    She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, thenharder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

    Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.

    "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm,kinky!" she purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

    "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished.” So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

    "Harder!" she cried, gripping the work bench tightly."Harder!""Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

    I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

    "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing a pair of new stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then,"she said, and showed me the receipt.

    "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over myworkbench."Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

    "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks.”She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

    "Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

    "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said,gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2012
  18. Red sailor see post 13 above?
     
  19. I used to have a shed! It's gone now ... up in smoke after it became (how did 'er indoors say it???? ...) unsightly! But it was my shed ... my domain ... full of all the crap that can only be accumilated after a lifetime of ferreting things away just in case they came in useful! Ah well ...

    I just moved it all into the garage!
     

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