Sexual Oddness


War Hero
Book Reviewer
In my younger days, copping off was never a problem. But lets face it, sex can be over rated unless you own a dungeon, a dwarf, some ferrets and a Kwik-Fit industrial sized tub of Swarfega. I've certainly had some odd partners in my time. There was one lady who would love me to pull her ears as if i was riding a motorbike while she was noshing me off, one who would make various animal noises on climax and the German girl who insisted on introducing me to her entire family before leading me upstairs to chuck her around the bedroom. The oddest was a posh girl i met one leave. Let's call her Penny.

Penny was gorgeous and was very jolly hockey sticks. I was clearly her token bit of rough. She had a very posh accent and was dirtier than a tramp with dysentry. How i loved her. She was a student and shared a house with four other students so there was always something going on. Penny had her bedroom on the gound floor and would love leaving the window open, so i could go out with the lads, climb in, and jump all over her telling her what was going to happen. It was a fetish with her. One night, she told me she was going out with one of her siblings, but informed me to come round later and be a real man. Surpise sex was the order of the day. Fuelled with booze and sporting a hardon akin to a totem pole, i made my way round to her gaff. The window was ajar so using all of my stealth, i climbed in. I could see a shape under the duvet so i jumped, like an American wrestler, onto the bed and restrained the figure. "There's no point struggling" said i. "I'm going to put it into you". Imagine my surprise when whipping off the duvet, i was confronted with some shit scared bloke. Turns out it was Penny's little brother. She had fucked off into her mates room, completely forgetting our deal. I thought it wise to make a hasty exit, but not before robbing a load of pop tarts from the kitchen.

Anyone care to share their odd stories?
Working in Liverpool I went out with my mate and he pulled a gorgeous French Jewess and he never told me what type of night he had with her so:I was determined to "Have at It!" so I knew where she went for a drink so off I toddled.
Saw her pulled her and off we went to see a show at a nightclub.
Her car got stuck between two bollards[she was a hopeless driver] she asked me to get it out,I misjudged and wrecked the rear end but she just said "Never mind!"
After the show we went back to her place and got down and dirty,I'm grunting and heaving away with too much drink in me trying to think of all the AFO's I read from overseas when something made me turn my head.
She was eating a fecking pork pie covered in brown sauce over my shoulder! I said "WTF?" and she said "Want a bite?"
Some lover I was! I found out later she was employed by some heavy mob to site slot machines in pubs and clubs,if you accepted a slot from her you slept with her!
I can't eat a pork pie now without remembering if I satisfied her or not!I guess not!but I did me!


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Copped off with an aussie girl in a pub in Acton once. Now this one was a right filther. I'd only been chatting with her for ten minutes and she had one of her hands down my trousers while i was at the bar getting a drink. Now even i could see i was in here. "So you're a fakkin soljer? Bet your fit hey? Can you go all night?" Christ, this woman asked more questions than Bamber fucking Gascoine. Still, i was as horny as a small dog in a Miss Lovely legs competition and although this woman was a BOBFOC (body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch), i felt drawn to her.

After a few drinks, she shouted "So d'ya wanna come back to my place and fuck us all night you big horny fukka?". Well, put it like that, yes. I would. As luck would have it, she didn't live that far from the boozer and on the way back, we stopped at a Kebab shop as she was "As hungry for some scoff as i am for cock". This woman, as you can guess, had a way with words. So, food duly purchased, we both walked along the road contentedly munching away. Me on a shish kebab, her on half the menu. Dear God, if this woman's mouth attacked my hampton with the same vigour it was attacking the burger, i was in for trouble. She made the Hungry Hippos look slow by comparison.

As we entered her foul squat, she said to me "What's that on your face? It looks like sauce." It was. In my drunken state i managed to leave half the kebab around my chops for later. Turns out this was a huge mistake. "That looks fakkin sexy" says she and then proceeded to grab hold of me and ran her tongue all over my face, licking up all the leavings. I should have guessed this before but this woman had a food sex fetish. She asked me if i'd ever had sex involving food and bar shoving my cock in my oppos mashed spud once, i replied in the negative. She went to the kitchen and took one of those massive pots of yoghurts and some strawberries out of the fridge.

We went to her bedroom which had clearly been in receipt of an airstrike. Quick as a flash, she was in the rip and strumming her bits as if playing a Jimmy Page guitar solo. "Give me a strawberry" she said so i popped one up her clack. Turns out she wanted to eat it, but enjoyed the experience. Taking off my kit i jumped astride her with the yoghurt in my hand. "Pour it gently over me. Start from the top and work your way down" i was told. Roger that. Now this yoghurt was some weird hippy thick stuff, not your normal yoghurt. It had the same consistancy as wallpaper paste. Now me, eager to stick one up her and leg it, got a bit impatient with the flow rate, so gave the pot a shake. The bloody stuff shot out of the pot quicker than a bullet and covered her entire swad. She resembled Caspar the friendly ghost. To say she was shocked was an understatement. Luckily for her, i saw the funny side and proceeded to shag the arse off her. What a sight that must have been for an onlooker. Me, in all my glory laughing like a maniac, on top of what can only be described as something from the kids programme "In the Night Garden". She fucking loved it. Adding my own bollock yoghurt to the mix, she then looked at me and told me it was one of the best shags she ever had. I couldn't keep a straight face but we agreed to meet the next day.

That's another story but it involved some hot dogs, ketchup and lots of lube.


Lantern Swinger
Many moons ago, in (funnily enough) deepest darkest Janner-land. Top secret airbase not far from Hells-town.........

Our lovable Irish rogue pulls one of Cornwall's finest maidens, only about 19 (I was 26 or 27 at the time - result!!). Blonde, tidy, and without the requisite 9 fingers on each hand. We duly jump into a cab, head back to her place in Falmouth and get down to business.

As we reach "a certain point in proceedings", she starts gasping for breath like she's just done the 30 miler on AACC, does a bloody good impression of a Bucking Bronco, starts trying to chew my ear off, and - here's the disturbing bit - as I unload, she squeals "Daaaaddy" into my ear.

I almost barfed.
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War Hero
Book Reviewer
A mucker of mine in Germany would pull most weekends. He was quite handsome and had a way with the ladies. He also had a permanent arrangement with the wife of a Belgian Para Commando Major, whom he would scuttle in lay bys. Anyway, when he had pulled up town, he would tip us the wink and bugger off back to camp. We would follow on 10 minutes later and all stand outside his room. The reason for this was because he would have the curtains open and his light on. He was fully aware of this and would always ensure that the unlucky female was in the doggy position, head down, while he would be waving and pulling faces at us looking in. To be honest, it was like watching a porn flick in a cinema. My mucker would get off on it. He's probably an accomplished dogger these days.


Lantern Swinger
Always good to hear your dits - mine are fairly tame in comparison.

Anyway. 2001, our Celtic Hero is renting a flat through a reputable Estate Agency in the town. The staff contains a "lady" with the morals of an alleycat and the cunning of a dozen foxes (basically, I was knocking her off one or two times a week and the web of lies that she had spun to keep her husband, kids, employers and friends in the dark would do credit to Mossad or MI5 as a deep cover story!!). Now, as well as having a Tues / Fri commitment with the delightful T****, I was semi-seeing a bird from the next town along, the lovely S********, who epitomised the term "BOBFOC". I mean, framework like a swimwear model, was massively into all sorts, but had a fizzog like Jimmy Tarbuck. But then again, I am (by dint of my Emerald Isle upbringing) not proud.

One Fri night, the mobile buzzes just as the lovely T**** has pitched up, telling me that S******** is getting off early (ie in about an hour and a half's time) and did I want to head round for some booze and frolics before hitting the local town. Too right, thinks I. But it would be most rude to put T**** home without the customary biffing that she has grown used to of a Fri evening.

By 2100hrs, Percy was getting parked in S********'s kisser, not 30 mins earlier having unloaded into T****'s rather perfect backside; ne'er a shower, or tap, or even wet-wipe having destroyed the "ambience" in between. S******** either noticed, and said nothing, or didn't notice a thing. Either way, from s****er to kisser in 30 mins.

Christ, I'm a pig.

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