We've all had those moments of utter deviance with loose ladies and also had sexual experiences that haven't quite gone to plan. I recall a chap in the room next door to me in Deutschland who was known as Digger the bot frigger. He loved giving German girls one up the rusty sheriff's badge. He was particularly fond of one girl who was on the large side and i was constantly entertained by the noises in the wee hours of him trying to nudge his alcohol induced panhandle up her chutney. He did this so often, she ended up on tablets and one memorable night i was treated to a scream that registered 10 on the Richter scale and heard her shout "NEIN! Nicht up mein arsch". Ah, romance. When i was posted to Bulford, i trapped a not bad looking girl whilst on the piss in Amesbury. She was clearly impressed with me and readily took me up on my offer of coming back to my billet for a pump. She had a cracking pair of heels on and i informed her that if she kept them on, she could ride me like Seabiscuit. In the cab, i was all over her like a tramp on chips and whispered romantic things in her ear like "I'm going to bang you like Rocky Balboa's punchbag" and "I'll lick your heels if you lick my ricker". I knew all the lines. Arriving back at camp, i managed to smuggle my beautiful conquest past the sleeping guard, and into my room, where i stripped her quicker than an unlocked Lexus in down town Mogadishu. As she stood before me clad in nothing but heels. i gave a howl like a wolf with his knackers trapped in a door. "So big boy" she said. "What would you like me to do?". "Walk on my back in them fuck off whore heels" says i, pissed out of my head thinking this would be kinky. "Okeydoke. Get on the bed then" says my soon to be abused lover. I lay down, and she stood on the bed. Now army beds are notorious for being as unstable as an African head of state so i told her to hold on to something to steady herself. As she got on my back (which was fucking agony by the way) i heard a crack, and then nothing. 10 minutes later i woke with the contents of my above bed shelf and the shelf itself on me, with her crying at the end of the bed. Turns out she grabbed hold of the shelf which collapsed, with it's entire contents, on my head, knocking me clean out. She thought she had killed me. I'm pleased to say that after half an hours respite, i scuttled her good, nearly knocking her out on the headboard. Anyone else ever had such a disaster?