Sexual Deviance & Other Stories

We've all had those moments of utter deviance with loose ladies and also had sexual experiences that haven't quite gone to plan.

I recall a chap in the room next door to me in Deutschland who was known as Digger the bot frigger. He loved giving German girls one up the rusty sheriff's badge. He was particularly fond of one girl who was on the large side and i was constantly entertained by the noises in the wee hours of him trying to nudge his alcohol induced panhandle up her chutney. He did this so often, she ended up on tablets and one memorable night i was treated to a scream that registered 10 on the Richter scale and heard her shout "NEIN! Nicht up mein arsch". Ah, romance.

When i was posted to Bulford, i trapped a not bad looking girl whilst on the piss in Amesbury. She was clearly impressed with me and readily took me up on my offer of coming back to my billet for a pump. She had a cracking pair of heels on and i informed her that if she kept them on, she could ride me like Seabiscuit. In the cab, i was all over her like a tramp on chips and whispered romantic things in her ear like "I'm going to bang you like Rocky Balboa's punchbag" and "I'll lick your heels if you lick my ricker". I knew all the lines.

Arriving back at camp, i managed to smuggle my beautiful conquest past the sleeping guard, and into my room, where i stripped her quicker than an unlocked Lexus in down town Mogadishu. As she stood before me clad in nothing but heels. i gave a howl like a wolf with his knackers trapped in a door. "So big boy" she said. "What would you like me to do?". "Walk on my back in them fuck off whore heels" says i, pissed out of my head thinking this would be kinky. "Okeydoke. Get on the bed then" says my soon to be abused lover. I lay down, and she stood on the bed. Now army beds are notorious for being as unstable as an African head of state so i told her to hold on to something to steady herself. As she got on my back (which was fucking agony by the way) i heard a crack, and then nothing. 10 minutes later i woke with the contents of my above bed shelf and the shelf itself on me, with her crying at the end of the bed. Turns out she grabbed hold of the shelf which collapsed, with it's entire contents, on my head, knocking me clean out. She thought she had killed me.


I'm pleased to say that after half an hours respite, i scuttled her good, nearly knocking her out on the headboard. Anyone else ever had such a disaster?

 

Well nothing in the deviant stakes so far.:toothy8:

 

How much deviance do you want?

Pissed lying flat on my back in a room at the back of an establishment of adult entertainment in Saigon in 1974.
Bird of uncertain vintage riding me like black beauty and in comes the dog, walks over and sniffs her back crack, decides he wants a shot at it so up he gets. She screams and tries to shove him off without breaking stride on me.
Didn't work, dog 1, shag bag 0. He climbs aboard,I think it hilarious so holds her on me and Black Bob joined in the fun.
Bastard lasted longer than me. I think he was better rigged as well, most uncommon.

 

There’s the wicker basket method, Get a large wicker basket with the bottom cut out, the woman sits in the basket so her arse hangs out below, the basket is hoisted above the bed by ropes through the handles, the bloke lies on the bed and the basket is lowered until “docking” is achieved, the basket is then turned twisting the ropes until they will not get any tighter, the basket is then released, it starts to rotate slowly at first as the ropes untwist but gains speed, some cooling liquid sprayed on will prevent friction burns, if no spray is available a gag is required

 

Have you beams in your bedroom or just big hooks in the joists?

 

Antigua, met a nice young lady, she was taking me to one of the local clubs, where I was to be the only white person.

On the taxi ride to club, taxi is all over the place, I say what the fuck, he says don’t drive on left or right, drive on best side. So I sit back with young lady, my drunken wandering hands soon start to play, well she was a much better player before I know what happening she has my cock out and has jumped aboard in the back of the cab, this was turning into one hell of a ride. Taxi comes to an holt and we are at the club, she just opens door and steps away, leaving my meat and veg for the world to see, cabbie has already turned for his dosh, so quickly stuffs myself back inside trollies to stop all the black dudes outside laughing. Take note to one self this young lady is a real live wire, I spent the next week or so whilst alongside in her company, what anther glorious run.

 

Nice young lady! her mother would be so proud.

 

Never did meet her mother, I am sure she trained her well

 

Not me but we were on a jolly in the Windies when our Fwd killick stoker brought back a lady that the hotel receptionist had arranged for him, she normally worked at Camp Allegro to give a clue where we were. The killick stoker was built like a barrel on legs with his head stuck on top, they disappeared to his room, 20 minutes later a stark naked whore ran screaming through the foyer and straight out the door. Turned out the killick was mid-stride when he collapsed with heat stroke and said young lady thought he'd snuffed it. True to her calling she managed to grab his wallet on the way out...how we laughed.

 

On Killick sailor (Butcher) went ashore in South America, we were outboard of flotilla flag ship, he staggers across both gangways in just his boxer shorts at 10:15 am, still shit faced
Josh meets him on flight deck and asks a stupid question, you will find out in a mo, he asked him did he know what time it was he said no, the josh goes into rant mode and screams it’s10:15, are Stand-easy he says and wobbles of to mess, joshman gob smack, classic Kodak moment.
As the story unfolds, he went ashore a loan to pay for a ladies services, well he said he was given (he paid for) drinks and had lots of ladies, at some stage his memory went and the next thing he remembers is waking up in a gutter with kids nicking his watch, he was to pissed to stop them, where his cloths and all his belonging’s had gone he had no idea, all he said was what a run ashore and was happy.

 

Me and another lad who used to post on here (NC) were in a taxi in singers on the way to a hotel with two young ladies on our laps. At the time I am a badge man he either a Junior seaman or an OD, think former.
I know mines real and he thinks his is until he lifts the skirt and goes hand diving. He kicked it out like fuckin lightening and between thrusts me and my real woman laughed like fuck. Well we actually was so it was easy.

 

Mucker of mine pulled some drunk horror at the infamous Scorpion nightclub in Catterick. She, being a high class kind of girl, informs him that for a pernod and black, she'll suck him off in the karzi. Mucker agrees to this deal and i watch them trot off for a mouth party in the most foul smelling toilets in the world. Two minutes elapse and my mucker comes walking out the of the toilet with a load of chuck all over his lower half. Turns out he forced her head onto his hampton and as his cock hit the back of her throat, her gag reflex kicked in and she razzed all over him. Being the adonis that he was, he left her chucking up in the not to clean cubicle and told her to join him when she'd finished so she could complete the job. The unbelievable thing is, she actually did join him at the bar and then trotted off to crack on again, with his schlong covered in fucking sick. The mind boggles.

 

Once upon a time there was this ex matelot who lived next door to a bird who's hubby had played away.
Now most blokes who did this and not get caught would not come home and tell wife, unless you was leaving her.
So twat head tells wife just to rub her nose in it. She accepts it at first and after three weeks tells him to fuck off. It is relevant to say the wife was well subjugated by hubby who although could not hold his own with a local 6th grader was hard as fuck with women.
So during his absence the wife goes next door at a time when the ex matelots wife was at work ( 2-10) at the bone factory in Nuneaton.
During abandoned wife's telling of tale of woe she breaks down and starts sobbing. Neighbour puts comforting arm around abandoned wife and gives big hug. Hug carries on and abandoned wife starts pressing into hugger and looks up sad and doey eyed.
Snogging commences and out come the puppies.
But time is against them so an arrangement is made for the following night.
At 7.30 abandoned wife enters neighbouring property and at approx 7.45 devoid of under garments the abandoned wife opens her walking apparatus.
Two days later at the home of another ex matelot who is away on holiday and has conveniently left his keys and consent for access the ex matelot and abandoned wife rendezvous.
After a quick G&T and ........the mating ritual commences.
That fuckin bastard she states, I hope he rots in hell. Self pity has now morphed into revenge and the ex matelot is not slow to sense this and turn it to his advantage.
Have you ever been unfaithful before he enquires. No.
Why dont you do everything he wants that you wont give him asks the snake, I mean ex matelot.
Why not the abandoned wife states and some. Fuckin yeah thinks the ex matelot let battle commence.
Do you give him anal he asks. Only twice in 10 years, he hurt me and was fast.
Oh look replies the ex matelot surprised, KY gel.
After liberal amounts are applied the abandoned wife surrenders her pink and tight to the dirty....ex matelot who tenderly and lovingly pounds her ring like the Turkish shelling of Gallipoli.
Will you slap me while you doing it she screams in ecstasy. If you want replies the ex embarrassedly.
Round one.
Two days later the Ex and the abandoned meet again at the appointed hour and holy shit when she enters the bedroom she's a fuckin maid.
Ever played games asks the abandoned? by tonight replies the ex.
The next event was to see a schoolgirl enter the playing field... or bedroom.
Two weeks of sublimity followed and then fuckin horror the wayward hubby returned.
I've let him back states the now reunited.
Why asks the ex.
Money replies the reunited.
Suppose that figures mumbles the dissapointed.
We will carry on says the reunited.
Fuckin great roars the over excited.
And they did for many a moon until novelty went away and routine came to stay.

 

I was enjoying the favours of a Lady of Easy Virtue in Mallorca. She was Brazilian and had not a word of English, but she asked me via Spanish, a language alien to both of us, to teach her a few English phrases. I was only too keen to oblige and managed to get her word perfect in "Us do be up from Devonshire, moi burd". I hope that her next English client had a nice surprise.

 

If she was Brazilian, you should have taught her "My cock is bigger than yours".

 

The trouble is, it wasn't.

 

I picked up a beautiful girl in every respect, real top class bit of totty and posh with it. After a couple of dates wining and dining her a shag was definitely going to be on the cards and I took her back to my hotel. I lay on the bed she straddled my face, her stocking clad legs brushing my cheeks and I licked away on her perfumed trimmed pussy for all I was worth in heaven. Just then she let out the loudest smelliest fart, I felt the warm gush of wind from her arse on my neck and chest. She was so embarrassed, she just said in her posh southern voice "Oh my go i'm so sorry, I have never done that before.." with that she scooped up her clothes and ran out of the door. I did try to call her but I never heard from her again.

I was gutted she was a real babe. I didn't mind the fart but what really pissed me off was the fact I never even got to fuck her and had spent a fortune on food, wine, hotel etc......

 

Hms Malabar, Ireland Island, is situated in the beautiful tropical paradise of Bermuda. Berthed alongside the jetty one balmy Sunday afternoon lay the Rothsay class frigate HMS Plymouth. For reasons of common decency i have ommited the year to protect those involved in this lurid tale.
Picture this,my friends, it's hot, Trelawney having already having reached the dizzy heights was Quartermaster, in sole charge of the ships routine, and a rather recalcitrant boatswains mate, achned and pimpled in was self evident that apart from some self abuse, he had never known the utter delights that the female gender can bring to the solace of such a lonely mariner.
The Master at Arms strode up to flight deck and stated that as he passed the Electricll and MEM's there were strange happenings afoot and would i investigate. Having explained that the Captain was about to leave i sent the boatswains mate to investigate. He still wasn't back some 15 minutes later. MAA then dispatches me to the messdeck.
the messdeck fell silent as i decended the ladder and the only noise to be heard was the chink , chink, of a chain against one of the buggery boards. Supine, with arms above her head lay a 40 year old sun dried female of the American species, who was a guest of the mess, riding atop of this specimen, was my pimple laden boatswains mate. Watching his performance was the LHOM, several mess members and the Killick LMA, who was writing names down on a clipboard.
Grabbing the Boatswains mate by the ears i dragged him off and propelled him out of the messdeck and broke up the party.
Giving the LHOM 10 minutes to get her off the ship.
After a brief period this "thing" arrives on the flight deck, looking equally horrendous in the glaring sun, dressed in a white front,tarten skirt, that barely covered her arse,which was also on full display to anyone who wished to see it.
The captain by this time arrives back onboard as i'm kicking this tart off, turning nonchantly around she smiled at the skipper and said "What a great Fckn boat he had, and what a good fck the crew were.
took some explaining, but in summary, my boatswains mate lost his virginity and became a gobby little shite until his name appeared on the sickbay door along with several others. And best of all , no one got trooped