Sexual Deviance & Other Stories

Blackrat

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
We've all had those moments of utter deviance with loose ladies and also had sexual experiences that haven't quite gone to plan.

I recall a chap in the room next door to me in Deutschland who was known as Digger the bot frigger. He loved giving German girls one up the rusty sheriff's badge. He was particularly fond of one girl who was on the large side and i was constantly entertained by the noises in the wee hours of him trying to nudge his alcohol induced panhandle up her chutney. He did this so often, she ended up on tablets and one memorable night i was treated to a scream that registered 10 on the Richter scale and heard her shout "NEIN! Nicht up mein arsch". Ah, romance.

When i was posted to Bulford, i trapped a not bad looking girl whilst on the piss in Amesbury. She was clearly impressed with me and readily took me up on my offer of coming back to my billet for a pump. She had a cracking pair of heels on and i informed her that if she kept them on, she could ride me like Seabiscuit. In the cab, i was all over her like a tramp on chips and whispered romantic things in her ear like "I'm going to bang you like Rocky Balboa's punchbag" and "I'll lick your heels if you lick my ricker". I knew all the lines.

Arriving back at camp, i managed to smuggle my beautiful conquest past the sleeping guard, and into my room, where i stripped her quicker than an unlocked Lexus in down town Mogadishu. As she stood before me clad in nothing but heels. i gave a howl like a wolf with his knackers trapped in a door. "So big boy" she said. "What would you like me to do?". "Walk on my back in them **** off whore heels" says i, pissed out of my head thinking this would be kinky. "Okeydoke. Get on the bed then" says my soon to be abused lover. I lay down, and she stood on the bed. Now army beds are notorious for being as unstable as an African head of state so i told her to hold on to something to steady herself. As she got on my back (which was ******* agony by the way) i heard a crack, and then nothing. 10 minutes later i woke with the contents of my above bed shelf and the shelf itself on me, with her crying at the end of the bed. Turns out she grabbed hold of the shelf which collapsed, with it's entire contents, on my head, knocking me clean out. She thought she had killed me.


I'm pleased to say that after half an hours respite, i scuttled her good, nearly knocking her out on the headboard. Anyone else ever had such a disaster?
 

Rumrat

War Hero
How much deviance do you want?

Pissed lying flat on my back in a room at the back of an establishment of adult entertainment in Saigon in 1974.
Bird of uncertain vintage riding me like black beauty and in comes the dog, walks over and sniffs her back crack, decides he wants a shot at it so up he gets. She screams and tries to shove him off without breaking stride on me.
Didn't work, dog 1, shag bag 0. He climbs aboard,I think it hilarious so holds her on me and Black Bob joined in the fun.
Bastard lasted longer than me. I think he was better rigged as well, most uncommon.
 

Sharkey

War Hero
There’s the wicker basket method, Get a large wicker basket with the bottom cut out, the woman sits in the basket so her arse hangs out below, the basket is hoisted above the bed by ropes through the handles, the bloke lies on the bed and the basket is lowered until “docking” is achieved, the basket is then turned twisting the ropes until they will not get any tighter, the basket is then released, it starts to rotate slowly at first as the ropes untwist but gains speed, some cooling liquid sprayed on will prevent friction burns, if no spray is available a gag is required
 

Rumrat

War Hero
There’s the wicker basket method, Get a large wicker basket with the bottom cut out, the woman sits in the basket so her arse hangs out below, the basket is hoisted above the bed by ropes through the handles, the bloke lies on the bed and the basket is lowered until “docking” is achieved, the basket is then turned twisting the ropes until they will not get any tighter, the basket is then released, it starts to rotate slowly at first as the ropes untwist but gains speed, some cooling liquid sprayed on will prevent friction burns, if no spray is available a gag is required

Have you beams in your bedroom or just big hooks in the joists?
 

Sumo

War Hero
Antigua, met a nice young lady, she was taking me to one of the local clubs, where I was to be the only white person.

On the taxi ride to club, taxi is all over the place, I say what the ****, he says don’t drive on left or right, drive on best side. So I sit back with young lady, my drunken wandering hands soon start to play, well she was a much better player before I know what happening she has my cock out and has jumped aboard in the back of the cab, this was turning into one hell of a ride. Taxi comes to an holt and we are at the club, she just opens door and steps away, leaving my meat and veg for the world to see, cabbie has already turned for his dosh, so quickly stuffs myself back inside trollies to stop all the black dudes outside laughing. Take note to one self this young lady is a real live wire, I spent the next week or so whilst alongside in her company, what anther glorious run.
 

Rumrat

War Hero
Have you beams in your Basement or just big hooks in the joists?[/QUO

Very evasive answer there sharky or should we now call you Marquis with a Sade type of follow through.
Talking of following through a bloke did the old stoop lift leg and fart routine last Sunday and out it came like a fuckin whippet with bone up its blowhole.
He was mortified as was his mate but I couldn't stop laughing, fuckin classic worth half a tot on any mess deck.
 

WreckerL

War Hero
Super Moderator
Not me but we were on a jolly in the Windies when our Fwd killick stoker brought back a lady that the hotel receptionist had arranged for him, she normally worked at Camp Allegro to give a clue where we were. The killick stoker was built like a barrel on legs with his head stuck on top, they disappeared to his room, 20 minutes later a stark naked whore ran screaming through the foyer and straight out the door. Turned out the killick was mid-stride when he collapsed with heat stroke and said young lady thought he'd snuffed it. True to her calling she managed to grab his wallet on the way out...how we laughed.
 

Sumo

War Hero
On Killick sailor (Butcher) went ashore in South America, we were outboard of flotilla flag ship, he staggers across both gangways in just his boxer shorts at 10:15 am, still shit faced
Josh meets him on flight deck and asks a stupid question, you will find out in a mo, he asked him did he know what time it was he said no, the josh goes into rant mode and screams it’s10:15, are Stand-easy he says and wobbles of to mess, joshman gob smack, classic Kodak moment.
As the story unfolds, he went ashore a loan to pay for a ladies services, well he said he was given (he paid for) drinks and had lots of ladies, at some stage his memory went and the next thing he remembers is waking up in a gutter with kids nicking his watch, he was to pissed to stop them, where his cloths and all his belonging’s had gone he had no idea, all he said was what a run ashore and was happy.
 
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